Diary

#NeverRockyRoad! (A Fairy Tale)

My favorite ice cream store started a contest to eliminate flavors one by one. By November, one flavor will be declared the “winner”, and that’s the only flavor we’ll have for the next four years.

My favorite freezer is on the right-hand side of the store. On the left sits a decrepit old freezer; its offerings tempt young customers and those with “special interests”; usually they are too expensive or unappetizing to me.

Several of the original seventeen flavors on the right would have been acceptable to me. Vanilla, French Vanilla, Old-Fashioned Vanilla and even Rum Raisin. Fortunately there was no Pistachio Almond — nutty and too green for my taste.

From the beginning, Heath Bar Crunch was my favorite.

Every customer was given a vote. I knew right away that the one flavor on the right I could never bear was Rocky Road. It’s too rich, too slimy; even a small sample leaves an unpleasant aftertaste. On top of that, marshmallows make me gag. Rocky Road never belonged in the freezer on the right. I vowed never to vote for Rocky Road.

When my turn came, I voted for Dulce de Leche, not because I thought it best but because I thought it had broader appeal and could beat whatever disagreeable flavor would emerge from the left freezer. At one point, it looked like Dulce de Leche might be the one, but it was overwhelmed by Double Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and never recovered.

Ultimately, the contest came down to five total flavors. To my surprise, my favorite (“Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!”) was still in the running, up against the despised Rocky Road and an old half-pint of Neapolitan that, frankly, the cleaning folks neglected to throw out.

Last Wednesday I went to the ice cream shop for my weekly visit. In the freezer on the right, all alone, stood a half-gallon of hated Rocky Road. No other choices remain in what was once my favorite freezer. My emotions: confused, angry, and betrayed. Why can’t everyone see that HB Crunch is, was, and always will be the One True Ice Cream Flavor? #NeverRockyRoad!

Hoping against hope to find a palatable alternative in the freezer on the left, I considered the two choices:

  1. From Vermont, Ben & Jerry’s Wavy Gravy: nutty, expensive, and way too pink for my taste.
  2. Hilderberry, also pink and almost certainly tainted (with listeria; target of an FDA probe that will probably never see the light of day).

While Wavy Gravy is giving favorite Hilderberry a run for her its money, all the customers expect the ultimate choice to be between Rocky Road and Hilderberry.

What did I do to deserve the choice between a flavor I hate and one that has a good chance of killing me?

Fortunately, November is six months away.

Cross-posted with trepidation.