We kept it quiet, but Hilary Clinton and I once had a torrid, admittedly strange, love affair. Each night I’d dress up in an American flag and my Sweet Hillary would attach electrodes to my genitals and throw the switch.
Vote Hillary for President! She’s got the experience to electrify the American working class!
Then, one fatal night, I picked up the ringing phone in our bedroom Paris love nest. Two A.M., and some idiot on the phone screaming about a Benghazi! I glanced over to where Darling Hillary was asleep, exhausted from far too often changing her positions on me.
“There is no Mr. Ben Ghazi here”, I said, hanging up.
Executioner Hillary literally sacked me out for that!
As a parting gift she made me an Endangered Species, which meant I got free first class air tickets to San Francisco.
So here I was, San Francisco. Attending the “Everyone’s a Pixel!” conference. The conference’s basic premise -taken from the second Captain America movie- is that citizens of America are so defined, labeled, and judged by one dimensional concepts such as “Racist” “Sexist” “”Rich” “Attractive” “Helpful” “Poor” “Young” “Old” “Scammers” “Homophobic” “Pervert” , “Insensitive To Cross Cultural Issues” that they in effect have been reduced to pixels, those basic one dimensional dots of computer screen light which are completely manipulated, enhanced, -or eliminated- as the corporate need arises.
So, if you look at a high school gymnast twice, you risk getting tagged with Pixel Point 3 -Pervert. Make an ethnic remark and you are going down with the burden of Pixel Point 2 -Racist. Make a racist remark about a high school gymnast and its the double whammy! Minus 5! You can maybe recover with Pixel Point 4 -Repentant, as long as no Transgender issues are involved.
And of course, lets not forget ones “Credit Rating Score”.
This, the conference speakers pronounced, was a good thing! It would turn irresponsible American citizens into mature Global Citizens.
I was confused. I had always thought the definition of Global Citizen was “I’m with stupid”.
Obviously, I was in danger of being tagged with Pixel Point 7! (Uncaring to Unseen Others).
I figured quickly it was Politically Correct of me- a unique Pixel Point, both plus 6 and negative 6!- to take a toilet break.
The Mens’ room had this sign on its padlocked door…
“Toilet out of order. Since America is part of the global family of nations, this toilet is firmly woven into the fabric of the rest of the toilets of the world and therefore this broken toilet is not a local plumbing problem but actually is part of the global plumbing problem. It is impossible to fix this toilet without first fixing all the toilets of the Third World. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
Well, in solidarity with my Third World Friends I went outside to Union Square Park and pissed in the bushes.
(By the way, did you know the prestigious St Francis Hotel on Union Square here in SF has a huge, mile long video screen behind its mile long Front Desk which clearly shows what everyone is doing in next door Union Square Park?)
Soon, in the carefree night, I was speaking to a cardboard box which was begging for spare change on traffic jammed Powell Street.
Sad story indeed. Its human owner had entered a package shipping store and ask the female clerk if she had a tight cardboard box. Innocent mistake! Pixel Point 8! As punishment he was sent to the Global Citizen Camp at Guantanamo. The box itself was scheduled to be sent to a Recycling Center. At the last moment it escaped, due to the complete impossibility of any sane human ever understanding just what gets recycled where.
The cardboard box, when I told it about the Pixels conference, had a good cardboard laugh.
“That is just brainwashing for white American citizens,” it said. “The large immigrant populations pay absolutely no attention to any of that mental crap. They just make money and expand their empires. Meanwhile, the whites watch all that with a phony, brittle, well, cardboard smile.” ( Like mine, the cardboard box said thoughtfully, but more, well, papery white.) “They can’t afford to be labeled with any negative Pixel Points, you see.
So, they can only create more Pixel Points of morality for themselves and get edgier with other white citizens and get downright bitchy with the people making their cappuccinos. And, chase after anything labeled “Good for You”, as those things create more positive Pixel Points rankings.
Meanwhile the immigrants just buy more American real estate while the whites study Asian etiquette and moan about Life in the West.
You know what, human? It’s the biggest non violent land grab in all of recorded human history!”
An awkward silence fell between us.
“There is a sucker born every minute”, I remarked rather lamely. And, “I’m an endangered species, myself”.
Not Hillary! Not Trump! Cardboard Box for President! And I don’t mean Jeb Bush!