(Satire Alert) Justice Department Quashes Investigation into Trillion Dollar Ponzi Scheme

Justice Department Quashes Investigation into Trillion Dollar Ponzi Scheme



The Justice Department has reportedly quashed an investigation into an alleged multi-trillion dollar ponzi scheme.  According to a source close to the inquiry, political appointees at the Justice Department overruled career lawyers and ended the investigation due to “fairness” considerations.  The source, who wishes to remain anonymous due to a potentially coincidental audit by the Internal Revenue Service stated:

“We were nearing the end of it… the investigation that is.  And  boy, you won’t believe the magnitude of this thing. I mean, WOW. We’re talking trillions… and not small trillions – Big ones. Made Bernie Madoff look like a small time nickel and dimer.  Know what I mean?  You really wouldn’t believe how elaborate this operation is…. these guys are running schemes on top of schemes.  It is something to behold. In my 20 years at Justice, I’ve never anything like it before.”

“… and here’s the golden part.  Well, golden I guess if you are one of the guys running the racket: the people contributing to it, don’t even have to go through the effort to send their money.  It’s actually taken out of their checks directly…before they even see a dime.  Funny this, they’re calling it a “voluntary contribution.”  Rich, no?!  Anyway, the guy running the show…we referred to him as Sam is slick as they come.  Get this, he takes the voluntary contributions the operation collects and spends it. He then loans the same amount  back to himself in the form of IOUs which he in turn sells to “investors.”  He then takes that money and spends most of it too.  Finally, he takes the small portion left and distributes it back to people that he had “collected” from before.  And if all that wasn’t incredible  enough, Sam can increase the voluntary contribution any time he wants.  Crazy, no.  I mean really,  who’d fall for all that?”

The source contends that “Operation Money Pit” was in its final stages when the Attorney General political appointees came in and shut the investigation down.  “We were in the process of issuing arrest warrants when XXXX came in and told us to just stop.  That further action wasn’t necessary in this case.  That political fairness issues dictated that we drop the matter entirely.  And when TP, the head of the investigation protested the decision he was asked if he had talked to his accountant lately what other pressing matters he needed to deal with.  Well, it was pretty obvious which way the wind was blowing… No one said a word after that.”

When asked to respond to the allegations, Justice Department spokesman Tom Dryden responded “While we do not publicly comment on ongoing investigations though we will leak a story later, I can assure you that there is no truth to the allegations.  We take our political job seriously and would never let any outside influences effect our judgment. We are here to make sure that all the laws are applied fairly without respect to race, color, creed, national origin, sexual orientation or the size of the contribution to the President’s campaign political affiliation.”

Republican and Democratic Congressional leaders were both unusually quiet and have refused to comment on this story; however, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) , currently seeking the GOP Presidential nomination offered this statement: “If it’s true, I’m not surprised.  This Sam guy has been running this scheme for a long time.  You know, if the government was really interested in the saving the people’s money… they’d have passed a law to stop this voluntary contribution nonsense and shut the racket down.”