Debates: Minnesota Slugfest Comes to Iowa

NOTE: Keep in mind – THIS IS SATIRE 🙂

(read my introduction post for background)


Debates: Minnesota Slugfest Comes to Iowa







Ames, Iowa

Unlike the previous GOP Presidential debate, this was no snooze-fest. 8 Republicans candidates showed up to battle it out in Ames, Iowa. 8 showed up but only two were left standing by the end of the evening.  For all intents, the candidates were out, loud and proud.

Rep. Michele “Tea Party” Bachmann (R-MN) & former Minnesota Gov. Tim “T-Paw” Pawlenty’s repeated sparring eventually erupted into a fist fight that lasted several rounds.  ”T-Paw” got in some early blows but was eventually bested by Bachmann, whose apparent experience raising 5 children and 23 foster children made her more than a match.  Afterwards, a battered Pawlenty commented, “All I said was that she was once again misstating things… I never said the era of small government was over.  I … I said the era of big government is here to stay. And then she waylays me. it’s just not fair.” Bachmann, clearly in charge during the exchange said later “I told T-Paw to Man Up but he just kept whining.  Next thing I know he’s calling me a liar.  Well, since he didn’t want to put on the Big Boy britches himself, I helped him.”

Enjoying a ringside seat to the Minnesota Slugfest  was former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt “I’m not like the other guy” Romney.  Mitt, no stranger to brutal campaigns helped Pawlenty make his way back to his side of the ring and was then asked by Chris Wallace (of FoxNews), the debate’s moderator what would he do differently if he was in the White House.  ””I’m not going to eat Barack Obama’s dog food that’s for certain.  What he serves up is not what I would serve up as President.” A somewhat baffled Wallace quickly moved on to question former Speaker Newt Gingrich.

Gingrich, still reeling from the total implosion of his campaign continued to insist that he was still a viable candidate for President of the United States.  ”I will continue to run on ideas. I know quite a lot about a lot of things. And I can tell you that from my experience as Speaker, as a Representative, a professor, a lecturer, author, marriage counselor and earmark guru that anything is possible if you have the determination, drive, willpower and financial backing to do it.”  He seemed particularly annoyed that he would have to defend the legitimacy of his campaign to someone like Chris Wallace.  He continued to speak for another 5 hours and 45 mins before Wallace could finally interject to move the debate a long.

Looming over the night’s event was the big boot of Texas Gov. Rick “Lone Star” Perry who is mulling a run for the GOP nomination.  Perry, who is expected to announce his candidacy this weekend gave a clear indicator of his intentions “Well, Texas is a big state but the Presidency is something bigger still. But like I always say, if the boot fits…”  If he does decide to run, it is is widely thought that Mr.Romney’s candidacy will be on the receiving end of that boot.”

The other contestants in the Who wants to be president game were: Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick “Hey, it’s my turn” Santorum, businessman Herman “Just say no to Domino’s” Cain; Rep. Ron “Run, run, run” Paul (R-TX), and former Utah Gov. Jon “Notice me” Huntsman.

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