A Healthcare Alternative To Planned Parenthood

The recent controversy regarding the Susan G. Komen Foundation and its decision to de-fund and then re-fund Planned Parenthood for breast exams got me thinking: there has to be another place for women to get breast exams besides going to Planned Parenthood.  After all, in any given year, over 300,000 babies are killed inside Planned Parenthood clinics.  Truly a repellent organization.  Fortunately, there is an agency already in charge of examining people all the time: the Transportation Safety Agency (TSA).

It is not as far-fetched as it sounds.

In only a few months Obamacare will kick in, and many doctors nationwide will be out of work.  So why not have the TSA hire them to conduct breast exams on women and prostate exams on men before they board their flights?  The traveler will not only be checked for weapons but will also be given a clean bill of health for breast, prostate, or other types of cancer.

And let’s have a reality check here: it is only a matter of time before terrorists will begin to smuggle explosives up their rear-ends, so body-cavity searches will someday be required in order to board a plane.  Why not have a group of professionally-trained doctors on hand, not only ready to search for weapons but also for pre-cancerous polyps in the large intestine while they are at it?

And having body-cavity searches before boarding an airplane will probably weed out 99.9% of all terrorists, so just by virtue of having such exams we will end terrorism on airplanes as we know it.

Of course, such searches will keep most non-terrorists from flying too.  But what is wrong with that?  Airplanes are too crowded anyway.  Remember those nice, un-crowded airplane flights before airplanes were de-regulated in the 1970’s?  This will be a way to return to those days.

And have you seen the searches that are already being done at the TSA security checkpoints nowadays?  Do a Google search for “TSA” and then press the images tab, and you can see all sorts of invasive, kinky searches being done on the most harmless-looking people.  For example, I just saw a slightly-overweight, balding white guy getting his genitals searched, and the TSA guy wearing latex gloves turned his palms to the outside, to pretend that he was not directly touching the guy’s crotch.  Right!  Why not just hire doctors to do this search and let them directly touch the genitals, and give the traveler a testicular check-up while they are at it?  That would be a win-win situation: safer travel and more regular testicular cancer screening!

Or how about that woman with her arms held out by her side, getting a full-frontal fondling of her breasts by the TSA agent?  What is the difference between what she is experiencing versus a regular breast cancer screening exam?  Not much.  Except the woman in the Google image went on to her flight and had no idea if her breasts contained the beginnings of breast cancer.  With specially-trained doctors and nurses at the checkpoint, checking not only for weapons but also for cancerous lumps in women’s breasts, at least the women traveler will go to her flight knowing whether she needs a follow-up mammogram or is good for another year without needing another breast exam, all courtesy of the TSA.

And someday those follow-up exams can be located right next to the security check-point area!  After the initial encounter with the TSA, mammograms and pap smears can be offered nearby, so that these follow-up tests can be conducted and still give the traveler time to make her flight.

Another advantage to doing bodily exams at security checkpoints is the fact that no one will claim they are being profiled.  Let’s face it: since 9/11 the passengers who look the most like Mohamed Atta and the rest are the ones who are most likely to be left alone by the TSA.  But a new TSA security search coupled with, for example, a prostate exam, would be a medical procedure that would not only find weapons but would also find out if that traveler needed to have a follow-up cancer screening.  Now, anyone looking like Mohamed Atta might complain if they have been left out of the security screening!

OK, that might be a little far-fetched, I admit it.  But from the stand-point of the doctor-guard, withholding a security check/prostate exam and waving through someone is not letting that traveler out of a hassle, it is withholding from the traveler a benefit.  So the doctor-guards will not even want to wave through any politically-correct class of people like Muslims, because skipping the security check would deny them a benefit.  Why would any fair-minded person want to withhold from Muslims a benefit that everyone else is receiving?  That wouldn’t be fair, and in fact would be discriminatory!  Quick — somebody give CAIR a call!

Yes, folks, this could be the way of the future.  We better get used to seeing less agents in brown shirts and more doctors and nurses in white coats nearby our airport security checkpoints.  It is good for security, good for our health, good for our national healthcare costs, heck, it’s even good for the Susan G. Komen Foundation because it can de-fund Planned Parenthood again.  Safer skies, safer breasts, safer prostates, safer colons.  It is the TSA of the future!