Diary

And You Thought Ted Kennedy Was Bad

(It may be hard to believe, but this diary is not a work of fiction, parody or sarcasm.)

You all know my former United States senator, Ted Kennedy, but wait until you get a load of my soon to be former state senator, Anthony Galluccio.

Anthony “The Gooch” Galluccio has a drinking problem. Up here, being a booze hound is not that unusual. Politicians are known to tip back a pint or two or ten in the grand ole Irish tradition, just like their constituents. But Galluccio is what we might call a “real piece of work”.

A few months ago, my alcoholic state senator was involved in a motor vehicle accident, and he wasn’t a victim or a witness. Galluccio hit a vehicle and injured a father and his son. So what do you suppose an esteemed state senator would do? Flee the scene, of course.

Unfortunately, for Galluccio, there were too many witnesses. Even dirty politicians have limitations. The Gooch couldn’t make this problem go away. He apologized for his behavior and said that he was rattled by the accident and exercised poor judgement. Something still seem a little off?

It doesn’t if you know Galluccio. You see, Galluccio already has a pair of drunk driving convictions. He is getting past the point where he just gets a slap on the wrist for his indiscretions. A third conviction and even big time pols like Galluicio are looking at a stay at the gray bar hotel.

It gets worse. Months after the accident, a story broke that Galluccio lied about the night of the accident. Galluccio actually received a private police escort home just hours before the accident. People were worried that he was too drunk, so the cops quietly took care of him. But the Gooch, apparenty, wasn’t done partying, so he hit the road again.

As the sordid details were revealed, it became apparent that not even Galluccio could completely Harry Houdini his way out of this one. He was processed and received his slap on the wrist. He was put under house arrest for a short period and ordered to stay away from the sauce. Meanwhile, he was still my senator, conducting his senate business from his home.

The Gooch was dinged, but he was still standing. A Republican will never win a city seat and the machine would quash any primary challenge. It looked like Galluccio was going to survive. But the judge did require one small thing from Galluccio, that he take a periodic breathlyzer. That’s all he had to do. Sit at home, stay off the sauce for a bit and he was in the clear.

By now, I’ll assume you know where this is headed. Galluccio failed his breathalyzer test, and then he proceeded to fail a bunch of subsequent sobriety tests just to make sure. But nevermind all those tests, the Gooch wasn’t going down without a fight. He huddled with his attorney and blamed his failed tests on… wait… wait… wait… toothpaste!!! A combination of Sensodyne toothpaste and Colgate teeth whitener I believe.

But even up here, there are limits. Gooch is finally going to jail. This evening, he received a one year prison sentence. Just another true tale from Beantown.

It’s True.

It’s All True.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up.