Here’s what’s sure to be BHO’s plan for resolving the myriad financial issues with budget deficits and entitlement spending:
1. BHO can do anything, right? Then he can expand the Gregorian calendar 50% to 18 months. The Catholic Church reformed the Julian calendar, so why not BHO? The existing month names will be jettisoned, as they refer to Roman (“white”) gods (e.g. January) or numbers (e.g. October). The new calendar’s months will form an acrostic of “B A R A C K H U S S E I N O B A M A”. The names of each month will come from the 18 most oppressed people-groups across the Earth. These groups will be revealed by BHO and the names chosen by a special subcommittee of the U.N. An example: month 1 might be named “Biafra”, after the Nigerian secessionist state of the late 1960s, mostly peopled by the Igbo. This will garner huge support not only from blighted peoples but from Europeans and Americans suffering post-colonial and / or “white” guilt.
2. Federal income tax rates will be left as they are, so as not to lose the essential middle-class vote. Not lowering the rates to account for the longer fiscal year will cause many individuals and joint-filers to slip unnoticed into higher tax brackets. The IRS will continue getting paid through withholding and at a higher clip.
3. The extension of the year to ~550 days will have the effect of lowering life expectancy in the U.S. to 50 years for males and 53 for females. No one will qualify for Social Security retirement benefits, nor will most qualify for Medicare benefits. Both programs will be flush with cash in the near-term and thus these positive balances will be allocated for other uses.
4. Due to the inherent unfairness the calendar reformation will have on the young, the voting age will be lowered 50% to 12 and the drinking age to 14. Tweens and teens will undoubtedly appreciate this move and show their support at the polls. Children in most states will be allowed to drive and begin work at age 10 & 2/3. Note that the age at which children graduate from state-run public schools will remain roughly 17-18.
5. Finally, due to the extension of the year, effective terms for elected representatives and executives will increase by 50%. This will serve to ensure the President’s new plan is endorsed by legislators and the populace has appropriate time to adjust before the ensuing elections.
It will only be a matter of time before the world adopts such a well-conceived and eloquent plan.