Kossacks Crack Me Up

But what else is new?

One of my favorite things to do in the blogosphere is fisking idiotic posts.  I’m bored, it’s snowing, I’ve actually played a full game of Monopoly with my little brother…he won, but we finished.  So I went looking for something fun to fisk on the DailyKos.

This is a bit old, but DUDE.  It’s past the make-me-angry stage, and well into the holy-crap-even-Olbermann-is-smarter range!  LET THE FISKOGRAPHY BEGIN! 😀

We’re sorry you’re stupid, but you’re not allowed to hold back the rest of the class anymore.

by MinistryOfTruth

Sat Nov 28, 2009 at 08:59:09 PM PST

Dear Conservative Americans, we are sorry that you can’t see through Sarah Palin’s bull[feathers].  We’re sorry you didn’t figure out that this country is [screwed] until after George W. Bush left office. We are sorry that you live in a fantasy alternate reality of someone else’s making, and we are inviting you out and into a better place, because stupid is not allowed to hold back the whole class anymore.

Actually, while many of us like Palin personally, some of us don’t agree with her on issues of policy.  For example, while “death panels” was not exactly in the bill, it provided the framework.  What the purpose of that phrase was, was to de-rail the entire public thought-process about the bill.  The effect was then compounded by the Democrats’ hurried amendment of that particular portion of the bill (even though Palin’s actual statement was quite a stretch from the reality of the legislation).  So you see, while I disagree with Palin’s statement of her interpretation of the facts, her phrase “death panels” was tactically useful to achieve our shared goal.  That’s not stupid, that’s Machiavelli applied — and I sincerely hope you never figure it out.

And I believe your definition of “hold back” leaves much to be desired.  Your idea of progress is to limit the progress I can make without the assistance of a benevolent, yet tyrannical government.  Thus, while I am guaranteed some modicum of success, my potential success is ultimately crushed for the sake of “fairness.”  That is neither benevolent nor fair.

While you were out in la-la land, Neo-Conservatives have stripped down, sold off and outsourced America. Our Debt came from the war in Iraq that came from the torture evidence we ripped out of the terrorists, and the economy collapsed because we de-regulated, privatized and outsourced everything. Every Conservative since Teddy Roosevelt has been a total crook, and [darn] near every Democrat is too. Our American political and economic systems are flat out broken, and now that that part is out of the way, we can move on to some basic problems in logic most media brainwashed Conservatives suffer from, so, here are some facts based on evidence for you to meet.

So I need that Ministry fellow to explain something: Wasn’t he just talking to conservatives as if we were the problem?  Now he’s hatin’ on neoconservatives, which are a somewhat different philosophical animal.  Our debt was partially driven by the war, but also partially driven by the eventual 3-trillion-dollar cost of Medicare Part D.  That, I will give you; we never should have done that.  Next, our economy collapsed because Congwessman Fwank (I’ve met him, spoken with him, and he’s an epic horse’s arse) and his Banking Committee cohorts wanted to “roll the dice” a bit longer on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac; because the regulations we had on the economy were not enforced by Tim Geithner (hey, where have I heard that name before?), and because the market distortion caused by sub-prime mortgages given by the former in bundles of paper called “securities” to giant financial institutions under the nose of the latter, abruptly met its predictable end when the over-leveraging of capital became excruciatingly obvious to Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers.  If you’re wondering who warned people about the impending economic doom, they were people such as John McCain (whom no conservative likes, but we agree in this area at least), George W. Bush (turns out he actually earned his Harvard MBA), and a ton of conservatives who watched the market twist itself into an unsustainable mess.

That’s what happens when the forces of government try to bend the invisible hand of Adam Smith to their policy whims.  It bites back, so to speak.

ACORN is NOT a bigger problem than Blackwater, Haliburton, KBR, Goldman Sachs, The Bank of America, [sic] Citigroup, and the Loch Ness Monster combined. The Republican party lost in 2008 because the were corrupt, incompetent criminals. They lost, so deal with it.

No, of course not; human trafficking of underage females for the purpose of raping them to death for profit — and eventual electoral gains of the Democrat party — is a much smaller problem than Blackwater, whose operations apparently kept Afghanistan from going a-wire; much smaller than KBR and Haliburton rebuilding Iraq after we destroyed it; much smaller than Goldman Sachs being a driving force in revitalizing the American markets.

Yeah, ACORN is no problem at all.

Socialism is NOT the problem, not even on the radar. Socialism is what rich people scream if anything threatens their profit.

Socialism is the government mucking around with mass economic decision-making.  Socialism caused the economic collapse, as it always does and always has.  And I’m not rich, I just read a lot.

ALL of the Media is BULL[FEATHERS], but especially FOX and News Corporation. THINK about it, NEWS Corporation!

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!  Does it even occur to these people that the Marxists they support on Air America and MSNBC are owned by corporations?

More troops, No Plan = Military FAILURE.

More troops + wrong plan = Military FAILURE.  More troops + plan with too many public details = Military FAILURE.  No More Troops?

Military failure, guaranteed.  So how about you shaddup and let the military figure out what it needs, hmmkay?

Without New Ideas America CAN NOT Stay Great.

I agree.  So let’s throw out everything that Karl Marx wrote, and start from the beginning, shall we? 😀

Fossil Fuels ARE THE PROBLEM. Anyone who denies climate change is denying the existance [sic] of pollution and it’s [sic] effects.

The planet, from around the seventies for about twenty years, warmed up.  The last 15 or so years?  We’ve been cooling down.  Google “climategate” for more information.

If you are not a woman, STFU about women’s rights.

If you are not a minority, STFU about that group of minorities.

If you are not LGBT, STFU about LGBT issues.

Oh yay, this is my favorite argument EVER!  If you are not a capitalist, don’t complain about the economy.  If you do not hold a full-time job, don’t complain about taxes.  If you have never been in the military, don’t complain about tactics, strategy, rules of engagement, gays in the military, and anything else to do with people who wear the uniform of the United States Military.  If you didn’t work your way through college, don’t complain about how it costs too much.  If you don’t speak Italian, don’t talk about the Amanda Knox case.  Matter of fact, if you’ve never killed someone or BEEN KILLED by someone else, don’t complain about how murder is such a problem.

If you don’t own a gun, don’t advocate gun control laws.  If you don’t pay a mortgage OR rent, don’t complain about how housing is too expensive for the poor to obtain.  If you don’t smoke, don’t complain about second-hand smoke.  If you’re not fat, don’t complain about how heart disease for one person drives up the overall health care costs of the entire nation.

Have I made my point yet?

Keep your religious views OUT of public office.

Yours is the religion of the state — everything in the state, nothing outside of it.  It is your god, your maker, your sustainer, and your animating force.  So if you’re gonna reduce the reach and power of my God, can I do the same to yours?

I thought not.

In fact, READ THE CONSTITUTION, over and over again until you can memorize it.

Memorization isn’t good enough.  Being able to merely recite the words of some grandiose work of literature does not do the work justice.  Instead, it takes wisdom, rightly dividing the word of truth, so to speak; wisdom to understand the Constitution, its meaning and intent.  That’s the difference between liberals and conservatives, or one of them: You know what it says.  We know what it means.

There really is so much more we can teach you, dear Conservatives, but only if you’ll open your minds.

We have already evaluated your philosophy, and found it morally and intellectually bankrupt.  We need not open our minds to worthless drivel such as that.

But we are sorry you don’t get it just yet.

Oh, but we do!

We are sorry that you believe every lie. We are sorry that you are misinformed. Every death panel is real, every terrorist strike is eminent [SSSIIIIIICCCC], every Conspiracy Theory might be plausible in your misinformed world, and it’s not your fault for believing the lies since they are repeated daily. You can’t help but believe in what you are told when it is reinforced over and over. You’ve been indoctrinated by it.

Indeed, we conservatives are sorry that you believe the lies you hear about us; that you think we all believe death panels are real, every terrorist strike is imminent (thanks to us, they’re not), that you believe every conspiracy theory might be plausible for such thoughtful people as us.  We generally don’t believe that 9/11 was an inside job, as you do; we generally disagree with the “birther” argument; we desperately want President Obama to be safe from the Ted Kaczynskis of the world — and not just because a President Biden would be horrific for the future of America.  And though it is your fault for believing such bollocks (individual choice, dontcha know), it is unsurprising to see that you do — since a very early age, the education system of America has geared you to love the liberal fascism in which you now believe.  You’ve been indoctrinated by it.

We are sorry that you don’t want your kids learning certain things. We are sorry that you are afraid and confused. We are sorry that you are angry and scared. We will try to make it better but it only works if you stop fighting us like it was good versus evil, because, dear Conservatives, liberals are on YOUR side, not the Pharisee establishment who couldn’t pass through a needles eye.

We are sorry you don’t want your kids to know what a brutal, inhuman world we live in.  We are sorry you are afraid and confused about that, and sorry that you have withdrawn from that reality.  We are not typically angry or scared; we suffer from the same incurable optimism that Ronald Reagan had (apparently) his whole life.  We try to make life better, to make it more free, but it only works if you stop fighting us as if we were evil.  While our struggle is good versus evil, you have been deluded into believing your malevolent dreams of government are for the greater good.

We are ashamed of the Pharisaeical establishment, such as Mark Sanford, who could not live up to the principles we espouse.  ‘Pride goeth before destruction,’ is a saying we have (Proverbs, in case you were wondering); and Mark Sanford was, unfortunately, an example of the truth in that saying.  But the failings of conservative individuals have never been the failings of conservative philosophy.  By contrast, collectivism (known also through the ages as fascism, socialism, communism, and the like), is filled with personally likeable, yet malevolent and philosophically disagreeable individuals.

And that’s the very point you miss: When conservative individuals fail to live up to conservatism, it is a moral failing.  When collectivist individuals fail to live up to collectivism, it is a moral victory. That is very telling about your philosophy, I think.

We are sorry that you live in a separate reality, dear Conservatives, and we are doing what we can to make things better. Fortunately for all of us, there are some adults in the room now, people who don’t fear monger with death panels and terror strikes, conspiracy theories and misinformation. The world WILL make progress, and we can’t afford to do it without you. We can’t have you fighting us tooth and nail anymore either. We can’t afford to wait for you to figure it out, dear Conservatives, so we may have to go on without you, because our future is too important to screw up, and right now, you’re not helping.

Indeed.  These adults whine about how horrible Fox News is, challenge the personal integrity of their correspondents (and not the facts they report), bow to world leaders like it’s going out of style, tell members of the media to “calm down” when they’re just doing their jobs, scream “ASTROTURF!” while the SEIU packs every photo-op they throw, use the military for a backdrop but not a strategic tool (as was intended), ad infinitum, ad nauseum.  You’re the adults?

I won’t hold my breath.

So this is my, “I’m sorry” to collectivist Americans.  We are sorry you’re failing the reality and history tests; but don’t worry, the class (oh, the irony) isn’t going to be held up on your account much longer.  2010 is coming sooner than you think.  But if you choose to progress toward collectivism, I would recommend progressing in the direction of Sweden.  You can’t stand in the way any more, and you know it.

To my conservative bretheren: Grab a bucket, let’s mop the floor with these fools.