The Coming Wave of Christian Terrorism

Q: What goes “Clop clop clop BOOM?”

A: An Amish car bomb.

And the Department of Homeland Security was the first to warn us about it, cautioning us not to be fooled into thinking that violent jihadists were the primary threat to our nation’s security. Those Christian fundamentalists, according to Janet Napolitano and her department, are the ones to watch, and now it appears her warnings may be coming true.

As you may have read earlier this week, Levi Detweiler, a 17-year-old Amish youth, allegedly led sheriff’s deputies in Leon, New York, on a mile-long chase, after running a stop sign in his horse and buggy and refusing to pull over. He overturned the buggy attempting to corner too quickly, and continued afoot before being caught.

What clearer indication could we ask for that Christian fundamentalists comprise a growing threat to our nation’s domestic tranquility? A number of questions immediately leap to the analytical mind when faced with an incident such as this. “Why did Mr. Detweiler flee the police?” “Was Mr. Detweiler en route to or from a secret meeting with other antigovernment radicals?” “Was his buggy stocked with explosives or subversive posters?” And “What’s with the Dumb and Dumber haircut?”

We can only hope that officials from the Justice Department, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, the F.B.I., and the Department of Homeland Security are on the scene, conducting rigorous investigations, and that members of the Department of Agriculture’s crack Shirley Sherrod Memorial Farm Aid Dissemination Squad are reviewing activities on the Detweiler farm.

To that end, your intrepid correspondent has examined Google Earth satellite images and has discovered that the Amish in the vicinity of Leon, New York, as well as other communities across that state and Pennsylvania, seem to be stockpiling inordinately large amounts of fertilizer. As everyone who remembers the Oklahoma City bombing knows, there is only one use for fertilizer, and that is the construction of car bombs.

Let’s hope the government can continue to keep us safe from the coming wave of Christian terror.