The Onion sues Nobel Prize Committee
Noted satirical newspaper, The Onion (www.theonion.com) announced today that it is suing the Nobel Peace Prize Committee for plagiarism and theft of intellectual property.
At issue is yesterday’s announcement by the Committee of its selection of U.S. President Barack Obama as this year’s recipient of the coveted Peace Prize and 1.4 million dollar award. According to Vernon Coldwater, a spokesman from The Onion legal department, his employer can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the idea of awarding Obama the Peace Prize is the intellectual property of staff writers from the Onion political satire department, and that it was stolen by spies from Oslo.
“They did this to us before,” Coldwater said, under the condition that he remain anonymous. “Where else do you think they came up with Jimmy Carter as a recipient? Fool us once, shame on you,” Coldwater quoted, “but fool us twice and we’ll sue your skinny European butts.”
Coldwater said that The Onion legal staff are still preparing their case, but when they are finished, they will be able to prove that the Prize Committee plagiarized the idea for a series of satirical pieces on Jimmy Carter as a Peace Prize nominee, and then stole The Onion’s thunder by nominating Carter for the prize. The Onion was unable to prove the original theft, but, expecting a repeat, the writers carefully documented every step of their creative process as they reworked the story with Obama as the nominee.
In addition to time-stamping all their drafts, they surgically implanted a tracking chip in the shoulder of Anrid, the Norwegian intern, after a night of heavy aquavit drinking. Data from the tracking chip, according to Coldwater, will reveal that Anrid was a mole, stealing The Onion’s best material, and spiriting it back to Oslo.
But why would the Prize committee be interesting in pilfering satirical material? Coldwater said, “The Committee has been moving into the satire business for years. Bestowing prizes is decent work, but world economic conditions have caused the committee members to look for alternative sources of income, and satire has always been big in Norway.” The counselor added, “Satire has an even stronger appeal the closer you get to the Arctic Circle, so the demand is pretty strong, year-round in Norway. The thing that really bothers us,” Coldwater said, “is that they’re really good at it already, without stealing our material. I mean, Yassir Arafat as a prize nominee? I wish we could say they stole that one too, but that was all theirs.”