Diary

Channelling Beck

Perhaps some of you are disappointed that the scheduled Glenn Beck program was changed at the last moment to cover the shooting in Binghamton, NY. Perhaps some of you just don’t care because you don’t like him. Myself, I was of two minds about it until the last segment of the show when Beck said this:

Just in case it doesn’t play right: Video Here.

Not long ago, I let a bit of information out about me. I forget which diary so I wouldn’t know where to begin looking for it so we’ll start it again because this said something to me that I think a lot of people need to hear.

You see, I was an abused spouse in my first marriage. For most of that time, I didn’t really understand that I was being abused. I believed that I was as bad as my husband said I was. There were times when I prayed to God to give me some horrible disease that would kill me quickly so as not to continue burdening my family. I was too craven to take my own life although I thought about it more than once. Silly thinking, yes? Of course, God never answered that prayer and I’m so thankful he didn’t because eventually, I realized that it wasn’t me, at least not entirely.

Although I had come to realize that much and finally took steps to get myself out of that situation, there were a lot of things I still didn’t know.  After I moved away from my ex-husband and started fending for myself, I still didn’t feel like I was worth much of anything. I had all this education and the best job I could find was a pizzeria manager. Long hours and lousy pay but it paid the bills and I didn’t have to go crawling back to the ex, admitting that I was an utter failure, with his uncountable girlfriends all laughing at me.

I met my present, online of all places (Yes sometimes those type meetings do work out.). Our ninth anniversary is this month. As great as he is I still didn’t think that I was worth much and lived in constant fear that I would let him down in some way. Then I got really sick; so sick I almost died. I had developed congestive heart failure(CHF) due to uncontrolled high blood pressure. The doctors told James, my hubby, that another 24 hours and I wouldn’t be in the emergency room but the morgue. I was so afraid of letting him down, I never told him that I felt bad in any way. I always waved it off as “I’m just tired.” I was that, not from overexertion, but the silent killer that was stealing my life away bit by bit.

It was then that I realized I actually had some worth of some kind, even if I still didn’t know the reason why I’m on this earth. Still, even with the upset clearly in James’ face, the worry and the love in the words, it really wasn’t until his mother told me about the phone calls every night, when James would talk to her about being lost without me here. He didn’t know what to do because he just couldn’t get past the emptiness or his thoughts of me not ever being there. She had to make him do things for himself while he was on the phone with her. Getting something to eat, making sure that he had clean clothes ready for work or the hospital. Did he take a shower? Brush his teeth?

Now you might be wondering what this has to do with politics and that’s probably not an easy thing to explain but I’ll try. You see, the left in this country has spent an inordinate amount of time telling people they can’t do anything for themselves properly. People don’t start out believing that about themselves. It’s something that happens over time and it started with their parents who learned it from others, some of whom were probably the social workers who said you can’t spank your child or you’ll scar them for life, or the psychiatrists and psychologists who frown upon any kind of discipline, and you certainly can’t criticize them for you’ll bruise their tiny little egos.

So, we use doublespeak; saying one thing while we mean another and raise all these little narcissists who think they’re great and wonderful and ever so smart and this is what’s guiding the country now. But it’s worse than that. They’re being told this but reality is telling them something different because there are a whole bunch of people out there just like them, thinking exactly the same things about themselves. Now, they can’t all be the most wonderful thing in the world and they have to compete for that special attention and they can’t because they weren’t equipped with the tools to accept failure and fail they must at times. So, they look to the authorities in their lives for the answers and they get them. It doesn’t make them any happier. It doesn’t make them any more successful. In fact, it doesn’t do a whole lot of anything but make them more dependent, which somehow becomes anger and resentment, mostly turned inward or toward those who try to make them see there’s a better way.

Given the takeover of the education system by the very people who set us on this cycle of dependence, the authority most now look toward is the federal government, which sooner or later, will fail utterly because it is made up of imperfect humans, too.

All of this was the real turning point for me. Sure, I was learning to have some self worth but it still hadn’t sunk in that I had real worth to anyone else in the world.  I still don’t know the reason I’m here on this earth but I’m thankful I’ll be here to find out. Perhaps, I’m here just to be able to tell this bit of my life. Perhaps sharing it will provide some of the answers needed to reach people and help them see the suicidal path they’re on.