A Fool And His Money Are Easily Parted...Tips from an Expert

As the economy fails and stock market falls, it’s amazing to someone like me, what kind of ridiculous things that companies still offer for sale, or even more ridiculous, what a person, like me, might buy, even though I’m going through a ‘Major Financial Meltdown’…and I really should be buying Christmas presents…..and now that Barry’s in charge, can we still call it Christmas?

Anyways, if they plan on selling it, you and I should plan on buying it…and this is stuff I Want…really bad…so here’s some things I have my eye on.

Headphones from iDiamond

Paris Hilton stares blankly into the crowd, every time she takes to the red carpet it seems she can’t hear the crowds yelling out her name, calling for a picture. It doesn’t faze her..How does she do it? It may be the itunes playing from her diamond studded earrings.

iDiamond headphones from Heyerdahl jewelry, it’s just the right moronic accessory to help me weather the oncoming recession.

These small earpieces boast a dazzling array of 204 diamonds set on 18 karat gold, and retailing for $6400. Compared to average headphones that cost about $20….I’ll take two sets!…the wife will love these.

Let’s get serious…I’m out of money but I’ve got lots of Credit cards…

I will continue my spending spree buy purchasing a kiss from George Clooney at an AIDS auction for $350,000. I wonder if it will be worth it?

My wife says I drink too much, so a trip to re-hab, like Lindsay Lohan, for $122,000 might be in order. Or I could just offer to throw her a birthday party for $400,000, and then buy her a Louis Vuitton bag like Beyonce’s for $45,000…perfect!

Jet fuel for my Private Jet

I love to fly out to the East coast to have real clam chowder at little restaurants on the coast of Vermont, actually I fly into Boston and make the drive up…but the $250,000 coast to coast round trip fuel cost has left me strapped for cash…I might have to start flying commercial airlines…doh.

Due to soaring oil prices, even P-Diddy was forced to make a last ditch appeal to the Saudi’s via his video podcast. “Oil Prices are too F*ing high!” exclaimed the morally-bankrupt hip hop celebrity. “I wanna give a shout out to all my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters and all my brothers and sisters from all the countries that have oil, if you all could please send me some oil for my jet, I would truly appreciate it.”

Brothers and Sisters?…anyway…I don’t know about P-diddy’s, but my private jet runs on Aviation Fuel…refined in the USA.

Wagiman LED Bubble Chair

Sometimes I find myself with too many scantily clad women lying around and nowhere to store them.

But I found a solution to my problem… English designer Ben Rousseau has lighted white fur “Wagiman” bubble chairs …these are Great!!…you can stash those pesky women out of the way of guests while still prominently displaying them from high atop your bayfront Newport Mansion.

The actual price of these chairs is mystery…but simpler non-lit models sell for upwards of $2000.00 each…I Love these Chairs!! Who needs Ikea?

Sound Investment Advice

I have often wondered…How do you tell your wife that you’ve made out with someone else without pis….making her mad? Because, I really am sorry and I still love her…Oh wait…here’s something…Chocopologie

Knipshildt’s Chocopologie chocolate truffle is the only true way to show my feelings for her! At $2600.00 per pound, she’ll know I’m really, really sorry for what I did.

Let’s not forget…I have to have my Starbucks

I must tell you..your greatest enemy is the one you know best. Let’s say you’re a dedicated Starbucks customer who likes to enjoy a Double capo-half-calf-latte with a free range Turkey and Cranberry croissant in the morning before work. The end cost each day is about $18. No sweat.

Multiply that by 5 days and you’re looking at a monthly cost of $360.00. That’s $4320.00 per year…Certainly that’s on par with 2 pounds of Chocopologie or 1 side of the iDiamond headphones, right?

Another great way of spending money is betting…errrr…Investing on NFL Football

It is a fun and stress-free activity for me. After all, it’s an easy way to throw away some of my kids college savings. And isn’t that what being a fool is all about?

I farmed, I had cattle, My wife drove a propane truck and I worked at U-haul….Now, I have less than half of my kids college money to show for my season of investing. We worked hard for our kids college fund and I blew more than half of it before the Superbowl!…I am doing my part to save Omerica.

It all started when I decided to take an “investment” course with a company called Spreadyourbread.com. I attended a free seminar that was often advertised on late-night infomercials, and soon found I was paying hundreds of dollars for more advanced training.

Spreadyourbread.com claimed it would share the secrets of successful Football investing, and connect bettors…errr…investors with expert ‘mentors’ who would guide them along the way to financial success…did they Deliver?

I…..I mean, the kids, started out with $10,000 dollars. They lost their first 8 investments at $500.00 apiece to reduce their total to $6000.00. There is always risk when Investing right?

Over the past 3 months, My chidren’s investment record is 69-72-2 for a losing percentage of 45.56%.

Let’s break that down…They have invested in 143 games at $500.00 a pop…that means they’ve risked $70,500.00 and ended up losing about $4,300.00. Dude!!..I spend more than that at Starbucks!

NFL Referees like to spend other peoples money too

Referee Scott Green and I found another great way to spend money on Football on November 16, 2008. Me and some friends lost 64 million dollars on a blown call at the end of the Steelers-Chargers game.

The Steelers were Favorites. Me and my friends took the Steelers minus 5 points, so all they had to do was win by a Touchdown, which Troy Polamalu got on the last play of the game….no problem.

Referee Scott Green decided he was going to help us spend some money. He called off the touchdown.

An estimated 100 million dollars was wagered worldwide on the Pittsburgh/San Diego game. Approximately 66% of that money was on the Steelers, with only 34% on the Chargers.

If the touchdown was properly upheld, all my friends and I would have won about 32 million dollars instead of losing big. This admittedly incorrect call resulted in a 64 million dollar swing in favor of the bookies.

Referee Scott Green later admitted that the reversal of the last second touchdown should have never happened…”The first pass was the one that was illegal, but it only kills the play if it hits the ground, it didn’t” Green said. “It was incorrect to say it was a dead ball at that point. The ruling should have let the play go on for the Touchdown.”

Great!…that was a quick way to separate me from my money. According to my observations, Las Vegas was the big winner.

Speaking of Vegas…It’s one of the Best Places to Blow Your Money

Vegas Baby, Yeah! Any self-respecting compulsive investor owes it to him or herself to invest several thousand dollars of their hard-earned cash partying, gambling and indulging in Las Vegas. Like a modern-day right of passage, that first trip to Vegas leaves no one unchanged. I suggest booking a very expensive room and using your funds to eat, drink and head to the slot machines right after you finish losing bigtime at Blackjack.

Or how about…

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Whether you head directly to this tropical party town or make it a stop on a longer journey down the Baja peninsula, you’ll find plenty of ways to fritter away your monetary assets. Bunk into one of the area’s many all-inclusive resorts for a spend-a-riffic vacation. As a Bonus…the local authorities love to take your money also.

Another great choice is New York, New York. Instead of spreading your monies out over an adventure spanning weeks, bunk into a Manhattan hotel (pin down a luxury suite!) for a weekend with a friend. Order room service multiple times a day, hit the town each night, buy frivolous souvenirs and make sure to take taxis Everywhere you go. I guarantee you’ll be able to blow your entire budget in a matter of hours.

Listen…I’m an Expert at this…The best way to blow your paycheck is to spend money before your check gets cold and blow it on a bunch of Wants. If you are really serious about blowing up your credit, then Wants are the way to go.

You ready for another way to Invest in Omerica?…

Go to a Nightclub…like the Shark club in California…..all night.

The left over change you have…from the slot machines…now needs to be converted into dollars for drinks and tips.

It’s ‘Pimps and Hoes night’ and the longer you plan on staying, the more money you will need to spend.

I hope this Info will help us save the Oconomy. And always remember to make sure you throw your money around to any and everyone that pretends to have an interest in you…..even if it’s just to get a free drink!

TMR…the other Red meat