(This is for all my liberal / uninformed friends who think recent events are a good thing)
ME: My cable bill is $112.00 this month. That’s $20.00 more than normal. Why?
CABLE BILLING DEPARTMENT LADY: Sir, thank you for calling. We are pleased to inform you that you are now receiving 82 additional channels in your programming!
ME: I didn’t order 82 more channels. I don’t want them. I want to pay the same price as before.
CBDL: Sir, thank you for calling, and I’d be hapy to explain this change to you. Our surveys show that 98% of our viewers watch Progressive Exploration and Relationship Verification programming. So, we have decided to include, at no charge, these awesome educational channels in our regular programming. We have also thrown in some other local programs, such as the “Adopt-a-Pet-of-the-Day”, and the ever popular “How to identify Emerald Ash Borers”, and “Approved Hiring List to Eradicate Emerald Ash Borers”. Our researchers and viewers have indicated these to be the most educational channels and they are endorsed by the most influential in media.
ME: Progressive Explor….. hey.. that’s PERV!!!! I’ve seen those – that’s porn! I don’t want porn! I have little kids. That better not be showing up on my television on Saturday mornings!
CBDL: Thank you for spending this time discussing this with me today sir. You can always opt to not watch these educational shows, if you choose.
ME: I DON’T WANT PORN. I DON’T WANT MY KIDS TO SEE PORN! I DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR PORN. Take it off! It goes against everything I believe in!
CBDL: I appreciate you expressing your opinions today, sir. I can assist you in blocking them, if you wish.
ME: I don’t want to block them. I have to remember to re-block everything if the box resets. Resetting options will change, and I’ll have to call you again, and wait on hold. I don’t want them. I don’t want to pay for them. Take them off my TV, and put me back to the programming I had before.
CBDL: I’m so happy you have called today sir! I just want to let you know that these channels can help educate you and your children in the methods of safe sex. And, they can provide an acceptable societal avenue for sexual deviancies. Research has shown that watching shows such as these can reduce crimes of a sexual nature.
ME: WHAT??? Take this [email protected] off my TV today! I know you only have to push a few buttons. I don’t want to wait. And, I don’t want to pay for this.
CBDL: I am grateful for the opportunity to assist you today, sir. I can see that you are not happy with the additional channels that 98% of our customers have expressed an interest in. If you would like, I can try to remove these from your feed today.
ME: Yes, please! TODAY! And, I don’t want to pay $20.00 more a month for this. And I don’t want the additional taxes and fees.
CCDL: I appreciate you taking the time to call us today, sir. I will be happy to attend to these wishes. We only hope to make you a happy customer. I am submitting a request to our programming department for these channels to be removed. That change should take effect within the next 2-4 weeks.
ME: So, I can’t let my kids watch TV for the next 4 weeks, or they might discover the porn channels?
CBDL: That’s a great question, sir. Might I suggest watching TV with them, so you can monitor their viewing. Or, spend the day outside with them exercising or recycling. Or, you can show them all the great ways to make salad today.
ME: Look, just take the freaking channels off my TV. And put my bill back to what it was before.
CBDL: Sir, I thank you again for calling us. I have submitted the request to remove these educational channels. If you or your children would like them back in the future, I would like to inform you that you or your children can call us again and we will be happy to restore these channels
ME: And my bill?
CBDL: Sir, your bill for this month is $112.00.
ME: WHAT???? That’s the same as the bill in my hand!!! I said to fix my bill.
CBDL: Sir, I have submitted the request to remove the channels offensive to you. I’m sorry, but your bill does not change, based upon your programming options.
ME: WHAT? So, you’re saying I have to PAY for these channels, whether I get them or not?
CBDL: Certainly not sir. These new channels are free. The service delivery has gone up by $20.00 for your entire region. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
ME: I want to cancel my cable. You people are crooks. I don’t want this garbage on my TV. I don’t want to pay for it.
CBDL: Sir, you are under a lifetime contract for your cable service. It has been mandated by Congress that everyone receive some sort of cable programming. It’s only fair that everyone can receive equal programming. You can not cancel it. I hope you have a nice day sir. Please call us again any time you need assistance.
(Fight Obamacare and all it stands for. Fight like hell. The time is now.)