A Modest Proposal For The Sheriff of Jefferson County, Alabama

“We have spent a substantial amount of time working with neighborhoods that are predominately Latino to build up their trust and to encourage them to come to us when it is essential to preventing and solving crimes,” Hale wrote in court documents. “HB56 may result in our deputies being viewed as state immigration officers instead of law enforcement officers trying to protect everyone in the entire Jefferson County.”

– Jefferson County “Sheriff” Mike Hale. AL.com

I want to be a good and loyal citizen of Huntsville, AL, but I’ve got this secret that holds me back. It has to do with how I make my living. I’m a union-man, you see. As a member in good standing of the Brotherhood of Meth-Cooking Mutha-….(BMCMF), Local #666, I worry some days about my relationship with community leaders and law enforcement personnel.

In my line of entrepreneurial endeavor, I witness blatant crime every day. But I feel held back from reporting it to Officer Friendly. You see, I’m afraid he’ll see all six of my illegitimate kids playing with the green, copper tubing of my meth cooking still (It’s an F-U-Up 6000). He’ll then go Bat(beep) Rambo on my gluteus maximus. This would be bad for business and significantly complicate my health insurance situation.

Really, I’d like to come forth from the shadows and no longer suffer the existential angst of leading a double life. Just think of all the Alabama State Tax revenue my operation could produce if I could report my vast and lucrative operations without getting read my Miranda Rights by some badass with a righteous case of halitosis. And I’m not just saying that from Tweaking Paranoia. I NEVER get Tweaking Paranoia. Not in the slightest. Not in the least…

But seriously; Alabama local law enforcement officials, particularly ones elected as partisan Democrats like Sheriff Mike Hale, are concerned about the difficulties the recent state immigration law would cause with the Latino community. I suppose, if there were a suitably large mosque of Wahabbi Muslims in Alabama, Sheriff Mike Hale would consult religious diversity experts before he got off his butt and prosecuted a public stoning. It would exacerbate police-minority relations if the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department got all Eurocentric over the concept of Honor Killings.

Me, I’m concerned about the difficulties in law enforcement relations between local sheriffs and the many consumers of my fine, hand-crafted nuggets of crystal meth. Therefore, I offer Sheriff Mike Hale the following modest proposal. He and I can work together and bring political pressure on the Alabama State Legislature to grant amnesty to all meth users and illegal aliens within the borders of The Great State of Alabama.

Get rid of all these pesky laws, and law enforcement becomes a safer and easier path to a comfortable, middle-class lifestyle. The loyal customers who buy my product every day may not have as many teef or brain cells as the rest of the people in Alabama, but they are people too. Illegal aliens just want to live here, earned untaxed income to repatriate to the Motherland, drive without licenses, and perpetuate Alabama’s 10% rate of U3 unemployment. I can’t see why Sheriff Mike won’t just cut them a little more slack.

Getting rid of laws solves the crime problem with no messiness, ACLU lawsuits, scolding lectures from Mein Obama or over-crowded jails. I therefore submit that my modest proposal to “Sheriff” Mike is obviously the best way forward – along the highway to total anarchy and burning hell.