How To Properly Kick the @$$ of @$$ange

WikiLeaks is the journalistic equivalent of the art world’s Piss Christ — a product of the cynical postmodern West.

– Victor Davis Hanson (HT: NRO)

Julian Assange believes that he cuts a bold figure. He is the hero of Internet Glibertarians from around the globe. He lives the life of Croesus while providing no more useful a service to society than the bums who sit on the stoop, near the neighborhood liquor store, drinking Wild Irish Rose and eating Beanie-Weenies.

He holds the powerful leaders of the West hostage to his flighty and unpredictable whims. We cringe in terror at the sight of a slightly less homosexual-looking version of Ziggy Stardust. WikiLeaks has been quite the ride for Julian Assange, but now the time has come to put it to an end.

Like the weak GOP Congress who felt they had to impeach Bill Clinton, the Obama Administration has thus far lacked the courage to really put Assange on trial for his grievous misdeeds. Instead, Assange is accused of sabotaging a condom during a One-Night Stand. The Leak of The Wick, like The Mess on The Dress deserves its place in the Coward’s Hall of Shame. Even nailing Al Capone on Tax Evasion had more relation to the actual crimes at hand than this pathetic attempt to silence Assange.

CNN examines what comes next in a piece written by Jeffrey Toobin.

Q: If Assange is extradited to the U.S., what legal action could the Department of Justice take against him? What would likely happen to him once he’s on U.S. soil? A: First, there would be a charge, and then extradition, not extradition before charge. The most likely charge is unauthorized distribution of classified information, or possibly the Espionage Act. Assange has a serious First Amendment argument that he is just like a newspaper publisher who receives a classified leak and thus should not be punished. I don’t think that argument will prevail, but it’s a serious one and it might.


What Toobin doesn’t even touch in this article is the extent to which this become as much of an ego-gasm for Assange as the OJ trial was for much of Los Angeles. The only thing I could think of to make this more of a circus would be to bring Marsha Clark out of retirement to help Eric Holder thoroughly botch the case. This is precisely the wrong way to handle this pimple on the arse of modernity.

President Obama, as a proud, registered, card-carrying member of The Hostage-Taking Party, I know a thing or two about handling this little punk of a blackmail artist. It seems Julian the Pretty has hidden a secret “Doomsday File” of vile secrets that he will unleash like a roto-rooter in the Internet Tubes. In addition, he has organized a group of hackers known as “Operation Payback” to attack lots of websites and generally cause publicity-garnering trouble. The more publicity we give to this “man”, the more trouble Assange will continue to cause.

Mr. President, the time has come to call Julian Assange’s bluff. Your speech can sound like this.

”My fellow Americans, when I ran for office on change, I intended to run the most open and free administration America had ever seen. We would not give in to the false and hollow choices of sacrificing a little liberty for a little security. For we know well that we would get and deserve neither.

”Now Mr. Assange claims that he has information so damning, so derogatory, so implicating that he can bring down The United States of America. Bring down the US? Bring down the US? YOU CANNOT bring down the US of A!

Work on that Jim Morrison persona with your teleprompter for a bit.

Mr. Assange, I hereby, directly and personally challenge you to release every, single last piece of snark, innuendo and out of context dishonesty regarding my nation’s intentions and actions that you have gathered in your venomous web-cache. Today will be the day that truth will shine forth and reveal you as the pathetic, vanity-ridden, mirror-kissing fool that you truly and utterly happen to be. Today will be the day that the information super-highway is cleared of its meth-lab-like dens of vile and untrue iniquity.

In the words of the fictional character from New Jack City, Nino Brown, ‘Today is the day you sit your five dollar Assange down before I make change!’ That, America, is change that we all can believe in. God Bless You, God Bless America, and God Bless…ME!”

That’s all you have to do Mr. President. Call Julian Assange out. Tell him to crap or leave the cybernetic porta-shed. Make him put it out there. Make him take the leak like it was a urine test for narcotics. Bullying a bully will always make that bully run in fear. That’s all you have to do, Sir, if you want to kick the @$$ of Julian @$$ange.

And as always and for-evah: CPATMR