The Ignorant Pat Robertson of The Left

Natural disaster had struck the island of Haiti. An earthquake left the place desolate and suffering. The world was sympathetic. Churches all over America passed the plate once and then a second time – just for the suffering in Haiti. Then, almost as if on queue from James Carville, Pat Robertson opened his stupid and vile mouth. He claimed the Haitians had it coming for making a pact with the devil to get rid of the French.

At this juncture, I decided, to the best of my limited abilities, to be responsible, police my own ideological allies, and condemn this despicable display of blasphemy and dishonor. I challenge anyone on the Left to do the same with their own, down-home, corn-pone, Southern-fried whack-job, CNN founder Ted Turner.

It seems the man famous for calling Christianity a religion for losers and calling Catholics in his own workplace “Jesus Freaks” for celebrating Ash Wednesday, has had his very own, personal Saul of Tarsus moment. It seems the Deepwater Horizon oil spill has led old Apostate Ted back home a-pining for Jeebus. He told his former media chattel at CNN the following.

“Could be,” God’s work, he told CNN’s Poppy Harlow. “He’s sending us a message.”

It’s a genuine shame God didn’t send Ted a message about divorcing one of his recent wives for practicing Christianity. It seems The Holy Father is as fickle to Old Uncle Ted as he is omnipotent.

Ted Turner bristles at the accusation that he hates Christians. Just because he harasses his workers for being Jesus Freaks and ditches the biotch for waking up too early on a hung-over Sunday morning is no reason to argue Ted Turner has any bone to pick with the Christian Religion. He explains himself, kinda-sorta, below.

“That’s the rap on me, that I’m impious,” Turner said. He denied it, saying that he’s read the Bible from cover to cover more than once, and that he “was born again seven times, so one of them is bound to take.”

Its amazing to hear such an ardent backer of abortion on demand brag about being born again seven times. But rather than following the First Rule of Holes, Talkative Ted seems unsatisfied until he rides further on into his steaming heap of dung.

“Look at my philanthropy!” he said. “The Bible says it’s better to give than receive. I sponsored that religious conference at the United Nations. It cost me $600,000.” (HT: Rod Dreher, National Review)

That and a tablespoon of Castor Oil will help Ted’s Leer-Jet fit quite nicely through the Eye of a Needle. I’m also quite happy Al Capone was a sterling philanthropist. Any time the Bishop of Illinois needed to fund a new school or orphanage, Good Old Al was his first number in the rolodex. You get much more with a kind word and a gun…

So Ted and I both have read the Good Book. Ted and I both have probably also read Communist Manifesto from cover to cover – all three volumes. I can tell you exactly what the difference is between mechanization and a Rate of Mechanization. I can argue the relative merits of calculating a Capital’s Surplus Value versus calculating a Capital’s Relative Surplus Value. I don’t say all this brag, (or to intimate in nay way that I’m a masochist for torturing myself with pages upon pages of Marxian subsumed class theory or even the bestial practice of commodity fetishism) but rather to point out that I’ve read Marxism from the source and still never gave Barry Commoner (or Barry Obama) a single red dime.

But what does Dog tell Ted by working in ways that are profoundly mysterious to anyone trying harvest a few shellfish for a living out of Port Arthur, TX? Predictably, he tells The Teddy what The Teddy already believed. We must all cut back and make do with less fossil fuel. Our society must stop consuming. Money, consumer goods, travel, revelry and all other accouterments to the Good Life must be shunned as we whip ourselves raw in our meditation cells.

This new revelation explains why Ted Turner is giving it all away. It explains why you can find all his mansions, all his limousines, all his private jets and all his vast investment holdings up for sale on E-Bay for cheap! Oh, wait a minute…You can’t.

That’s correct. I misunderstood The Dali Turner’s profound theological insight for a minute. I was supposed to tame my profligate lifestyle. His profligate lifestyle is different. The Dali Turner sips his Stoli martinis for a higher purpose. If The Christ takes even five minutes out of his busy celestial day to listen to this over-lucred buffoon, he has to be asking Saint Peter where Tums is stored.

The Savior will forgive me for the paragraph above. He is just, merciful and knows well, that I, like Ted Turner, am only kidding. Which is why I call upon anyone associated with the American Left to shun and denounce this man as a human pile of garbage. I took care of the Odious Reverend Robertson, it’s over to you Senor Kos. Show us your integrity by taking Ted Turner out to the dumpster like last night’s cantaloupe rinds.