I regret to inform the United Socialist States of America government that the economy is causing great stress, disalusionment and angst (no, not liberal angst…financial angst) in the town of (fill in your home address)…what do you mean my home is not a town? Are you some kind of racist? Are you redlining me?
Anyway, we are suffering from a defict (some $34.00 this month) and are in dire need of bailout…(that is the term isn’t it?). Accordingly, this is our formal application for your most beneficit assistance (what do you mean is this e-mail from Nigeria?).
Our needs are very modest by comparison to some of the requests you have received thus far. They are spelled out below:
$ 100,000.00 – this will cover last months defict and provide a reserve against any such future deficits
$ (fill in the amount) This will pay off the mortgage on the 7 flippers I am holding the bag on. If you add $ 200,000, I can arrange the filming of the transaction for “Flip This Pyramid” where you will be the gullible, greedy ass that got the 125% (possibly higher) loan to value mortgage (From Frank Raines, Barney Fwank, Jamie Gorelick, Chris Dodd and all the other great gang over at Countrywide, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, to take the newly renovated ($50,000 for new counter tops) pile of…er beautiful spread off my hands.
$ (fill in the amount) to pay of the 165 with $30,000 limits credit cards that were sent to me by the fine bankers around the country despite the last 2 bankruptcies. (I know that is funny, I did not apply because I did not think they would give them to me without steady income….pyramid flipping is so….uncertain).
$ 135,000 – this will allow me to get out from under the 125% loan to value loans I have on the 2 Mercedes (one for daylight, one for night…no I live alone). I bought after claiming that I made 200,000 a year after I made $ 10,000 profit (only real profit I made on the 20 flips I did this year).
$ 2,500,000 – this will allow me to purchase an abode outside the United States to flee to when the entire economy here rolls over after you process this and the other myriad similar requests.
$ 4,000,000,000 – this will allow us to purchase sufficient carbon credits from AlGore so that we will never face the same crushing burden the rest of our fellow citizens will when AlGore’s cap & trade scheme to Save the Planet finally takes hold. (What do you mean selfish, we are just planning ahead).
As an incentive, I (working in my part-time position as the Director General of the Bank of Whatoume, have discovered an abandoned deposit of some $397,000,000,000,000,000,000. The poor individual who controlled this deposit committed suicide after you turned down his request to purchase his real-estate development in The Bering Sea (you know the 900 story condo built on floating pontoons). I can legally transfer this to your account for us to divide 10% for me 90% for you if you can expedite my request herein (sorry there will be a slight delay while the ink dries).
Please Mr. Paulson, grant full and equal consideration to my request, my situation is most desparate…what? I know we have never met, sat on a board together or played golf together…but this is the United States….the land of other peoples milk and honey…and the land of entitlement…is it not?