Top 10 Things I'll Miss About Capitalism

From www.pretendyoureadthenews.com

The Top 10 Things I’ll Miss About Capitalism

Well, we’re all aware by now that Capitalism as we know it is coming to end. In these trying times I find it might be better to celebrate its life, than to dwell on its death. And in that, I think we can find at least some solace. So I present to you, as we enter into the era of the preamble of the death of the American Capitalist, the top ten things I will miss about Capitalism:

10. Working
Yes, working. Working in its worst form can be baseless, trite, and boring. But in its best forms it provides a sense of purpose, forward progress and a lasting effect on the world around you. In the traditional Protestant sense, hard work is the path towards a virtue worthy of God. The other sense is best summarized by 50 Cent, Lil Flip and Lloyd Banks- ‘Let’s get that money man’. In the new socialist order, I won’t have to work anymore. Someone else, probably some fat cat Wall Street elitist, will be paying my way. And that’s the way it should be, I’m entitled to a good living, after all. Either way, working stays at number ten; because I mean come on…its work.

9. Unbiased Media
Unbiased Media is up here at number nine cause its going to be difficult to miss what you’ve never experienced in the first place. With the rise of liberal ideology working hand in hand with the government, it will become more difficult to see the dividing line between the two. Lack of accountability and transparency will increase as both entities begin to see they’re on the same ‘team’. It’s quite easy to see this in practice already, as most media outlets now take the White House’s Press Releases and essentially disseminate it accordingly, with little care for investigation. See: Daschle, Geithner, Killefer, Richardson (people who would have been publicly crucified…had they been evil Republicans)

8. Educational Potential Limited Only By My Drive To Succeed
I hold no illusions about my blessings, however I also recognize that ultimately education is a direct product of one’s drive and effort to learn. It’s a real shame drive and effort will become synonyms for greed and arrogance. It has already become a staple of the educational system here in America, judging students’ performance by the lowest common denominator. In an effort to further academic achievement in the fairest and most socially acceptable way, this common denominator will gradually fall and fall… and fall. In the name of equality and democracy our educational system will become a populace of dunces, with exceptional being held back as to not hurt another student’s feelings. (See C.S. Lewis’ The Abolition Of Man, short summary here)

7.The Stock Market
As we all know, the financial instruments of the banking and corporate systems are the root of all evil in this country. Unchecked greed and manipulation are the natural course of this system. So, in an effort to stabilize the economy, financial trading of any kind will cease. After all, who’s going to need a futures contract* when the government sets the price of everything anyway? I feel safer already.

6. Canada/France/Russia Jokes
I almost placed this higher in the list, because I’m really going to miss being able to just say ‘Canada’ and someone laughs. Same goes with the French and Russian jokes. They are practically endless. Why will they no longer be endless? Because for a comparative joke to be funny, there need to be amusing differences between the two parties. i.e.: ‘John is lazier than France’. Its funny because there’s irony in the fact that, while John is certainly lazy, its doubtful he is lazier than a Frenchmen. Well, say adieu to your frog jokes, because America will become increasingly similar to these three countries, proudly so in fact. And so eliminate some of your best comedic material.

5. Immediate Emergency Room Treatment
This seems important, and the only reason its not higher on the list is because you won’t really miss it…you know, until you really miss it. I’ve got a kidney stone moving through my ureter causing excruciating pain and my kidney feels like it might burst. Unfortunately, by mandate of the new health czar, I’ve been classified as an outpatient and might get a doctor’s appointment in a month. In addition, any treatment I get must be weighed by an expensive bureaucracy to determine if its economically viable; taking into account my age, overall health, life expectancy, nutrition and medical history. Only then might my doctor be allowed to give me CAT scan to find the little bugger and determine if ultrasound treatment is necessary.** Meanwhile, a guy across the waiting room who got impaled on a road divider while riding his bike is rushed into the ER after waiting for 4 hours. Lucky bastard. See: England

4. Consuming What I Want
With the institution of socialized medicine (see number 5) consuming whatever I want will become increasingly more difficult. You see, the State will do whatever it can to limit the costs associated with taking on the massive burden of the health care and insurance industry. One of those programs would undoubtedly be a nutrition program designed to promote a healthier population, aimed at decreasing costs through preventative care. Oh, and it would have to be mandatory. A burger twice in one week? I’m sorry, but you’ve already met your trans fat limit for the week; why don’t you try a whole wheat based meal? You’ve yet to meet your fiber quota for the past 3 weeks and the NNAPCA (National Nutritional and Preventative Care Admin) will be notified if this continues. Oh, hold on guys, I’ll be right back; I think my ABAC (Alcoholic Beverage Allowance Card) just got refilled.

We could also call this one Motivation, but either way, I’ll miss both. With the government telling me most of what I’m supposed to be doing and erecting red tape around the other half I’m free to do, I’ll find myself very discouraged to do much of anything. Putting in more effort at work (Wait, I’m working? Psh, chump.) is only going to get me promoted and a raise, which places me in a higher tax bracket, and with the new extremely progressive taxes (is that graphical representation of the tax system…exponential!?***) I might even achieve a lower real wage. Start my own business? Forget about it, have you seen how much business licenses and permits cost now? When the states began seeing budget deficits from declining tax revenue *coughLafferCurvecough*, they needed a way to raise more. Its too much work, too expensive, not worth it, I earn more by being unemployed thank you very much.

Oh, he went there. Yes I did. The fundamental problem with socialism that many fail to see is that it is an infringement on the rights of citizens by the government, with the support of other citizens. Class warfare through legislation is no different in principle than outright theft. In addition, the enforcement of many social programs entails huge pushes into personal privacy with the ultimate (and stated) goal of taking away your right to decision. Capitalism and self determination are of the same body, if one dies, the other quickly follows suit. The idea that someone knows how to live your life better than you is preposterous on face value, but that is the blatant attempt of Socialism.

1. The United States of America
It is ironic coincidence that the year 1776 saw not only the birth of a new nation, but also a revolutionary publication that would epitomize the driving economic force behind the growth of that nation, Adam Smith’s The Wealth Of Nations. The ideas of the free market, meritocracy and free trade were extraordinary and revolutionary. They would drive innovation, the key in the driving cogs of the American economy, for the next 200+ years. Together they would form the lighthouse that is America today. It’s disappointing then, that we would throw away the ideas of success, and replace them with ideas proved time and again, destined for failure. Worse still, capitalism has become connotated with evil, with insatiable greed and selfishness. What then does that say of the system that intentionally places the ‘have nots’ against the demonized ‘haves’. How are greed and selfishness absent in a system voted in by a populace who wishes to see the successful torn down and themselves built up with their remains? If we are going to personify economic systems with deadly sins, would Socialism not be driven by envy, sloth and arrogance?

*Fun fact: If you’ve ever purchased a home, and taken the offer to lock in your interest rate instead of risk taking the market rate in 45 days, you are a derivatives (forward specifically) trader. Congratulations, capitalist pig.

**Yes, I’ve had a kidney stone.

***Math joke. In come circles also called a ‘nerd joke’. Whatever, I don’t have to impress you.