PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 1
Thursday December 8th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave
The year is 2017. In a world where harsh divisions and economic strife have pulled the United States apart, Stacey Martin, Kate Wilson, and the Washington Freedom Force find themselves on the front line protecting the, now, free city of Washington D.C. and the American Reconciliation Summit- an attempt to reunite the fifty states into one country once again.
But when a multi-national mega-corporation with another agenda in mind attempts to disrupt the reconciliation talks, Stacey and Kate face their biggest challenge to date. With the future of a possible reconstituted United States in the balance, can Stacey and Kate stop the forces against reconciliation from undermining the summit? Or will the corporation make sure the talks suffer a cataclysmic, catastrophic failure of nuclear proportions.
Written by the irrepressible, onerous, and uber-mysterious Mr. A. Nominous, Jesusland vs. Progressiveville is a roller coaster ride of a political satire lampooning the sorry state of today’s American politics.
Suave runs down the card to date:
PCW Title Match:
(c) Daniel-San (I) vs. Magnum P.O.’d (R) w/Robyn Masters and Newt Gingrich (R-GA)
PCW Men’s Tag Team Title Match:
(c) Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) vs. The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and Jim Schmidt
PCW Women’s Tag Team Title Match-Three Way Dance:
(c) The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey (D) vs. The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovelevski (I) vs. Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R)
PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) comes out and welcomes everyone to Iowa…no, I mean Kansas…no Nebraska.
Obama announces that he is once again is going around the PCW Competition Committee and booking a very special match for tonight’s show. His former protegee O’Beck Bahama (D) goes up against ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) and Obama adds a stipulation- if Bahama wins he will be added to the PCW title match at Jesusland vs. Progressiveville. If Scott wins, he will take the place of fellow Republican Magnum P.O.’d in the match.
MATCH #1- PCW Women’s #1 Contender Match
‘The American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)
Smith looking for a shot at the reigning PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I). KRC wants her shot at winning back the PCW Women’s title.
…Smith in control. She locks Collins up in the cobra clutch. Then Union Maid, Soccer Mom, and Code Pink (D) hit the ring. Soccer Mom yells “It’s For the Children!” and belts Smith in the mouth with a right hand. Code Pink fires off a Glitter Bomb and blinds Smith. Union Maid lifts her up and gets ready to deliver the Scabbuster when…
Suave: “IT’S LANI HARLOT- THE TRAILER PARK QUEEN!”
Harlot and the Posse clean house. Outside the ring, Harlot drags Soccer Mom down and locks in the White Trash Compactor.
Back in the ring, Smith connects with a missile drop kick and rolls up KRC. But KRC grabs the tights at the last possible second and rolls Smith. 1…2…3.
WINNER: Kathryn Randall Collins (D)
Post match, this picture appears on the screen…
Valora storms the ring with a briefcase and cracks it over KRC’s head. She puts the Democrat in a Bow and Arrow-type submission move and won’t let up.
Back from break, PCW Men’s Champion Stone Chism, seconded by Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian, is now in the ring while KRC is being attended to. Valora stands in the corner and glares at ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List.’ Chism asks that the new PCW Top 5 contenders list be put up.
#1- Magnum P.O.’d (R)
#2- ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R)
#3- O’Beck Bahama (D)
#4- Charlie Blackwell (I)
#5- Valora Salinas (I)
Chism calls Valora’s appearance in the top 5 a complete joke. He calls her extreme…
Suave: “Yeah, the Queen of Extreme, thank you.”
…and says she might be able to handle weaklings like Charlie Blackwell (I) but she could not stay in the ring with a man who actually knows what he’s doing- like him. Kim starts pointing her finger at Valora and shouts something at her. Valora’s face turns beet red but then she asks for a mic. She challenges Chism and Kardashian to a tag team match tonight against her and…Kris Humphries!
Suave announces that the match is on between Valora Salinas and Kris Humphries and Stone Chism/Kim Kardashian.
PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I) and Kris Humphries vs. PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian
The match starts and Chism refuses to wrestle Valora. He demands Humphries gets into the ring instead.
…Humphries tags in and now it’s him vs. Kim. Kardashian tries to tag out but Chism is busy jawing with some fans. Valora pounds on the ropes and tells him to go after Kim. Humphries hesitates. Valora again exhorts him to wrestle Kim. Again Humphries dithers. Finally, Valora climbs through the ropes into the ring. She gets into Humphries’ face- Kris pushes her back. Valora kicks him in the balls and hits the stunner. Kim jumps up and down and claps. Valora drags Humphries up and whips him into Kim.
They hit head to head and both Kardashian and Humphries are KO’d. Valora turns Humphries over on top of Kim. Chism puts one foot in the ring but does not attempt to rescue Kardashian. 1…2…3.
WINNER: Valora Salinas and Kris Humphries @ 8:32
Valora turns her back on Chism for a split second and then catches him trying to Pearl Harbor her. Chism scrambles back out but Valora grabs him by the hair. She kicks Chism in the balls and then stuns him, snapping his neck over the top rope and sending the Men’s Champion flying backwards to the floor.
Replay: Last Week on PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) snatches Valora from behind. Lift…HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER ON THE FLOOR!
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Valora’s out. Chism pulls her up and throws her into the ring. Kim and Kourtney get in a couple shots. Chism gets on the mic and chides Valora for actually thinking that she, the PCW Women’s Champion, can compete with him- or any man for that matter. He slaps her face and the SRB get in a couple more shots. Chism calls for his bag and a ring tech throws it to him. He reaches in and pulls out a couple oven mitts. Chism says it’s time Valora knew her role and that’s in the kitchen. He puts the oven mitts on her hands.
Suave: “I love watching the left do sexism.”
Chism pulls out an apron next. He rolls Valora over and puts the apron on her. Kim and Kourtney laugh at the PCW Women’s Champion. Chism says Valora will never, ever be good enough to be in the same ring with him. He adds that Valora should go back home, have babies, and leave pro wrestling to the big boys.
Valora opens up the briefcase she’s had with her all night long- inside is a French Maid’s uniform. She then dresses Chism up in the outfit and flips him off as she leaves.
END OF HOUR ONE