Iowa Battle Royale Results: PCW Extreme Political TV

PCW Extreme Political TV
Hilton Coliseum
Ames, Iowa
Monday August 15th, 2011 (taped Saturday)
Host: Johnny Suave

Suave introduces the line up for the Republican Battle Royal:

’Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson- representing Herman Cain
’American Citizen’ Kevin Scott- representing Mitt Romney
Jack Schmidt- representing Ron Paul
Farmer John- representing Tim Pawlenty
Dann Armey- representing Rick Santorum
Average Joe- representing Michele Bachmann
Brad Company- representing Newt Gingrich
Jamie Walker- representing Jon Huntsman

The bell rings and we’re off.

All eight Republican candidates urge their charges on at ringside.  Jamie Walker no-sells a clothesline from Brad Company.  But he stays down on a second one from Jack Schmidt.  Farmer John tries a leapfrog but is countered by a punt to the groin from Average Joe.   Dann Armey decides it’s time to break out a few suplexes!  He hits pump handle suplex on ‘Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson.  Jackson gets locked in the cross-arm-breaker from Schmidt.  ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott finally gets some offense with a hard powerbomb to Brad Company.  Dann Armey gets a Northern Lights suplex on Company and tosses him over the top rope to the floor.  Brad Company Eliminated

Newt Gingrich (R-GA) defiantly declares he’s not giving up and he’s still here…well, for the moment until the referee makes him to the back.


Average Joe nails an enzuiguri on Farmer John.  He climbs to the second rope and drops the leg.  Vertical suplex by Jamie Walker to Kevin Scott.  Walker backs Scott into a corner and charges but gets back-dropped to the floor.  Jamie Walker Eliminated.

Jon Huntsman (R-UT) is disappointed by the results but he, too, promises to keep going.

An Irish whip is reversed by Josh Jackson and he sends Farmer John crashing into the corner turnbuckle.  Nice top rope huracanrana from Scott to Average Joe.  Swandive headbutt by Jack Schmidt gets Scott.  Scott comes back with a clothesline to Schmidt and locks in a bow and arrow submission.  Schmidt escapes and connects with another powerbomb on Scott.

Schmidt takes Scott up top and tries for the Schmidt-brick.  Scott won’t play along so Schmidt settles for a top rope Belly to belly suplex.  Both men are down. But not for long. Dann Armey continues to suplex everything in sight with a German on Farmer John and a T-Bone suplex to Josh Jackson.  Average Joe is able to get an Average slam out of the corner on Schmidt.  Schmidt is taken up top by Kevin Scott.

Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play. The crowd explodes as a spotlight shines on a plaid shirted man with a Singapore cane and a cup of mocha in his hands.


The Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon Al Gore (D-TN)

The crowd sings the chorus “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion.

The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon walks down the steps to the main floor. At the bottom of the steps, Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore then wades through the main floor crowd to the ring.  He climbs up on the apron, pulls out yet another cup of mocha, guzzles that one down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Scott turns to jaw with Gore.  Schmidt recovers and pushes Scott out of the ring.  Kevin Scott Eliminated

Mitt Romney can’t believe it.


Suave is going nuts as Al Gore and Kevin Scott brawl up the aisle.

Down to five.  Schmidt dumps Jackson down and Farmer John flies off the second turnbuckle with a legdrop to Average Joe.  Side slam to Farmer John by Dann Armey.  Schmidt nails a tilt-a-whirl powerslam to Josh Jackson and Average Joe follows up with an elbow drop.  Schmidt dumps Jackson over the top rope and now it’s down to four.  ‘Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson Eliminated.

Herman Cain doesn’t exude much of a reaction after his wrestler was eliminated.

Farmer John fires back with a punt to the groin of Average Joe and a DDT to Dann Armey. Sit-out powerbomb by Jack Schmidt to Armey.  Schmidt then connects with a top rope facebuster to Armey.  Schmidt then launches Armey over the top rope and it’s now down to three.   Dann Armey Eliminated.

Rick Santorium actually looks pleased with how the evening went.


Average Joe.  Farmer John.  Jack Schmidt.

Schmidt hits a spinning stalling suplex on Farmer John for two.  Ron Paul tosses a couple of chairs in.  Average Joe and Schmidt team up to hit a double neckbreaker right onto the steel chairs!   Then they toss Farmer John out of the ring and we’re down to two.  Farmer John Eliminated.

Tim Pawlenty looks very disappointed in the result and slowly heads to the back.

Down to the final two.  Schmidt nails Average Joe with a chair.  Dropkick to the knee from Schmidt to Average Joe.  Average Joe reverses into a neckbreaker.  Then he spikes Schmidt with a piledriver.  Average Joe follows up by taking out Schmidt with a ladder that Michele Bachmann had thrown into the ring.  He tries to use it for another attack.  But here’s Jack Schmidt! Slingshot Senton drives the ladder onto Average Joe!

Bachmann hands Average Joe a trash can and he batters Schmidt from pillar to post with it.  A wild swing from Average Joe allows Jack Schmidt to hit the belly to belly suplex for two. Now it’s Ron Paul on the hunt for more weaponry. He settles on a table.  Out of the blue, Average Joe kicks Schmidt into the table.  Spinning toe hold is countered by Schmidt and he hits a back suplex.  Schmidt tries for a piledriver through the table.  Average Joe somehow gets loose and they both fall through the table.

Crowd: “HOLY @#$#!  HOLY #@[email protected]!  HOLY [email protected]#@!”

Out of nowhere, Average Joe lariats Schmidt over the top rope and that’s it.  Jack Schmidt Eliminated.

Winner @ 57:32- Average Joe (Tea Party)

Bachmann is elated.  Ron Paul is also very pleased with the results.  But then, Texas Jack (R) pushes them out of the way and hits the ring.  Lariat to Average Joe.  Vertical Suplex to Average Joe.  Inverted Atomic Drop by Texas Jack and then locks in the Texas Cloverleaf.

On the video screen, Rick Perry (R-TX) appears.  He announces that he is indeed throwing his hat in the ring to become the next PCW CEO.

Suave appears from a production studio after the replay.   He announces that Tim Pawlenty (R-MN) has dropped out of the race.

But the big story was the entrance of Rick Perry.  Suave says hang on to your hats because things are getting good.