Bachmann Draws First Blood in Iowa: 7/11 PCW Extreme Political TV

PCW Extreme Political TV
Ottumwa High School Gym
Ottumwa, Iowa
Monday July 7th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave

*10 Bell Tribute to Betty Ford*

Suave: It’s six months away from the beginning of the 2012 PCW CEO contest and things are heating up in Iowa.

Tim Pawlenty Promo
Tim Pawlenty (R-MN) cuts a promo on fellow Minnesota Republican Michele Bachmann.

Pawlenty: I like Congresswoman Bachmann. I’ve campaigned for her. I respect her, but her record of accomplishment in Congress is non-existent.  We’re not looking for folks who just have speech capabilities.  We’re looking for who can lead a large enterprise in a public setting and drive it to conclusion. I have done that; she hasn’t.  I am the serious, results-oriented candidate; I’ve even adopted the campaign slogan ‘results, not rhetoric.’

Michele Bachmann walks out.

Bachmann: Let’s find out just how serious I am.  You bring your guy.  I’ll bring mine.  Tonight.

Pawlenty: You’re on.

Match #1
Texas Jack (R)
Teddy Lewis (I)

Suave: This is Texas Jack’s debut match in PCW.  It’s not a coincidence that his arrival mirrors the possibility that Texas’s Rick Perry may jump into the PCW CEO race.

The bell rings and both wrestlers come out.   Lewis charges Texas Jack.

Suave: Texas Jack takes Lewis down with a scoop slam.

Texas Jack misses a leg drop.  Lewis grabs a leg and tries to roll him up.

Suave: It looks like Lewis is going for a pin.

The referee starts the count. ONE!

Suave: Texas Jack kicks out of the pin attempt.

Suave: It might have been a little too early to go for a pin there.

Boot to the mid section by Texas Jack.

Suave: Texas Jack scoops Lewis up and then slams him down to the mat.  Now, he stomps on the chest of Lewis.

Texas Jack lies across Lewis’s chest and hooks a leg with the arm on the opposite side

Suave: Texas Jack goes for the inside cradle.    ONE!   Lewis kicks out.

Texas Jack hits Lewis with a stomp to the face.

Suave: Lewis is dazed after that Stomp.

Texas Jack scoops Lewis up and then slams him down to the mat.  Another stomp to the face.

Suave: Texas Jack locks in a side headlock…DDT on the way…NO!  Lewis escapes and comes off the ropes.  He  hits Texas Jack with a haymaker.

Lewis hooks Texas Jack in a front facelock and then drops him on his head with a DDT.

Suave: DDT by Lewis.  Lewis gets Texas Jack in a quick inside cradle.

The referee starts the count. ONE! TWO!    Texas Jack kicks out.

Suave: That was close.  Too close if you’re Texas Jack.

Texas Jack takes Lewis down with a lariat.  He climbs from the ring and grabs a chair.  Texas Jack throws the chair into the ring.

Suave: Texas Jack going with a steel folding chair…but he doesn’t see Lewis up.

Lewis pulls Texas Jack down to the mat in an inside cradle pinning combination.

Suave: Inside Cradle came out of nowhere!   ONE!   Texas Jack kicks out and he’s not happy.   Lariat to Lewis and now he’s got the chair.  *CLANG*  HOLY CRAP!  *CLANG*  Texas Jack is systematically trying to destroy poor Teddy Lewis.

Texas Jack throws down the chair and stomps on Lewis.

Suave: That chair was bent after Texas Jack used it on Teddy Lewis.

Texas Jack hooks the leg and attempts a pin.

The referee starts the count. ONE!   Lewis gets a shoulder up!

Suave: Lewis out at one.   He gets a quick inside cradle on Texas Jack.    ONE!   TWO!    NO!  Texas Jack kicks out at the very last second.

Scoop slam by Texas Jack.   He grasps Lewis’s leg and turns 360 degrees over the leg twisting it inward.

Suave: Texas Jack with the spinning toe hold.  That can’t feel good for Teddy Lewis.

Texas Jack with a haymaker.    And another.  He grabs a lasso from his corner and wraps it around Lewis’s neck.

Suave: Blatant choke hold and the referee starts the count. ONE!

Texas Jack breaks the hold.

Suave: Texas Jack still has the chair as a weapon.  He picks it up.


Suave: HOLY CRAP!  Texas Jack with the chair shot on Lewis.  Things aren’t looking too good for Lewis here.

Texas Jack hits Lewis with a lariat and knocks him down.

Suave: I don’t know if Texas Jack got all of that Lariat.  He stomps on Lewis.  Texas Jack with a lariat and knocks him down.

Texas Jack lifts Lewis up and then slams him down with a scoop slam.

Suave: Texas Jack hit that move full force!

Texas Jack swings around and turns him upside-down, and drops into a sitting or kneeling position, driving Lewis’s head-first into the mat.

Suave: Good night!

Lewis is out cold. The referee awards the match to Texas Jack.

WINNER: Texas Jack @ 5:42

Rick Perry (R-TX) appears in the back.  He claps as the referee raises Texas Jack’s hand.

The usual suspects converge for PCW deficit talks w/PCW CEO Barack Obama & his aide de camp Joe Biden: Republicans: Leader of the PCW Competition Committee John Boehner/Eric Cantor/PCW Executive Committee Minority Leader Mitch McConnell/ Jon Kyl; Dem: PCW Competition Committee Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi/Steny Hoyer/PCW Executive Committee Majority Leader Harry Reid/Dick Durbin.

Suave: Come on guys, let’s get it together and get it done.

Rupert Murdoch Segment
Rupert Murdoch comes to the ring.

“Say,” Murdoch begins, “does anybody here think that taping phone calls of various people to generate news stories would be a good idea?” Stunned silence follows. Then the crowd roars negatively and immediately heave their chairs into the ring.

Suave: Apparently, the answer is no.

Murdoch is overwhelmed and buried underneath the steel-folding chairs.

Suave: No, not a good idea.  Main event tonight pits Farmer John representing Tim Pawlenty (R-MN) versus the Tea Party’s Average Joe representing Michele Bachmann.

Paul Ryan Segment
Paul Ryan (R-WI) comes out to defend his economic plan to save PCW and challenges CEO Barack Obama to an economic debate.

He then introduces his ‘Raiders’: Nick Ray- HT: 6′ 0″ WT: 230, HOME: Parma, OH and Kevin Collins- HT: 6’1″ WT: 225, HOME: Brookfield, WI.

Match #2
Paul Ryan’s Raiders: Nick Ray (R) and Kevin Collins (R)

The Bureaucrats: Jordan Metzger (D) and Andrew Riley (D)

Suave: Two new tag teams face off here tonight.  Republicans Nick Ray and Kevin Collins aka Paul Ryan’s Raiders versus ‘The Bureaucrats’, Democrats Jordan Metzger and Andrew Riley.  This should be an interesting match.

Ryan gives his ‘Raiders’ a thumbs up.  The bell sounds and Nick Ray and Jordan Metzger lock up.

Suave: Ray hits Metzger in the gut with a front kick.  Metzger grabs Ray from behind and lifts him overhead, hitting a release German suplex.

Metzger strikes Ray in the chest with a backhand chop.   Andrew Riley reaches out and Metzger makes the tag.

Suave: Quick tag by the Bureaucrats brings in Andrew Riley.  Riley and Ray will now go at it.

Riley leaps at Ray and hits him in the side of the head with a flying wheel kick.   He picks Ray up by the waist and slams him back down with a spinebuster.

Suave: Beautiful Spinebuster by Riley.   Riley with an overhand punch.  Another overhand punch.

Ray lifts Riley up vertically, stalls and then slams him down with a suplex.  He follows up with an overhand punch.

Suave: Ray fighting back.  But he walks into a front kick to the gut by Riley.  He picks Ray up by the waist…another spinebuster!

There’s a commotion ringside.

Suave: What the hell?  It’s Rutgers Economist Susan Feinberg and she’s berating Paul Ryan?

Ray looks to his corner for a tag but Collins is blocking Feinberg from getting to Ryan.  Feinberg screams at Ryan “how he could live with himself” for sipping expensive wine with a couple of economists while advocating for cuts to programs for seniors and the poor.

Riley flips over Ray and faces him in a reverse body scissors.  He uses the momentum to pull Ray down to the mat back first and reapplies the body scissors.

Suave: Code Red Tape by Riley!  Ray has got to get out of this hold somehow and make a tag to Collins.

Ray reaches for the ropes.

Suave: Ray grabs the ropes and the referee forces Riley to break the hold.

Riley hits Ray in the face with an overhand punch.

Suave: Nasty shot by Riley.  Ray has got to make a tag here soon or this one is over.

Riley picks Ray up onto his shoulders, swings him around and drops him with the Rack Bomb.

Suave: Rack Bomb!  Rack Bomb!

Riley makes the cover…1..2..3.

Suave: That’s it!

WINNER: The Bureaucrats: Jordan Metzger and Andrew Riley (D) @ 4:47

Suave: The Bureaucrats get their first tag team win in PCW over Paul Ryan’s Raiders.

Sarah Palin Promo
Promo spot for Sarah Palin.

Palin: The people of America are desperate for positive change, and deserving of positive change, to get us off of this wrong track.

Palin: You know, I rarely use the term ‘bipartisanship, I use the term ‘independent.’ Piper’s middle name is ‘Indie.’ That’s the Alaskan way of life. Seventy-three percent of Alaskans aren’t registered Republican or Democrat, they’re independent. Todd’s not a registered Republican. Most of the people I know, they’re independent people saying, ‘Just use common sense.

Palin: I’m not so egotistical as to believe that it has to be me, or it can only be me, to turn things around.  But I do believe that I can win.

Suave: Will she run?  I wouldn’t bet against it.

PCW CEO Barack Obama Statement
Obama: What I emphasized to the broader group of leaders yesterday is, now is the time to deal with these issues.  If not now, when?  I’ve been hearing from my Republican friends for quite some time that it is a moral imperative for us to tackle our debt and our deficits in a serious way.  I’ve been hearing from them that this is one of the things that’s creating uncertainty and holding back investment on the part of the business community.  And so what I’ve said to them is, let’s go. And it is possible for us to construct a package that would be balanced, would share sacrifice, would involve both parties taking on their sacred cows, would involved some meaningful changes to Medicare, Social Security, and Medicaid that would preserve the integrity of the programs and keep our sacred trust with our seniors, but make sure those programs were there for not just this generation but for the next generation; that it is possible for us to bring in revenues in a way that does not impede our current recovery, but is fair and balanced.

So I continue to push congressional leaders for the largest possible deal.  And there’s going to be resistance.  There is, frankly, resistance on my side to do anything on entitlements.  There is strong resistance on the Republican side to do anything on revenues.  But if each side takes a maximalist position, if each side wants 100 percent of what its ideological predispositions are, then we can’t get anything done.  And I think the American people want to see something done.  They feel a sense of urgency, both about the breakdown in our political process and also about the situation in our economy.

Mila Kunis-Marine Segment

Suave: Here’s a lucky SOB who had the balls to ask a Hollywood starlet to go to a Marine Ball.

Lucky Marine and Mila Kunis

Suave: And the good news, she said yes.  The ball takes place Nov. 18 in Greenville, N.C.  Semper Fi.

John Boehner Statement
Boehner: I appreciate what PCW CEO Barack Obama said today about the need for us to come together and get this done. Our disagreements are not personal. They never have been. The gulf between the two parties right now is about policy.  It’s not about process, and it’s not about personalities

CEO Obama and I agree that the current levels of spending, including entitlement spending, are unsustainable. He and I do not agree on his view that government needs more revenues through higher taxes on job creators. The CEO and I also disagree on the extent of the entitlement problem, and what is necessary in order to solve it.

“Most Americans would say that a ‘balanced’ approach is a simple one: the administration gets its debt limit increase, and the American people get their spending cuts and their reforms. And adding tax increases to the equation doesn’t ‘balance’ anything.

PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein Interview With Rutgers Economist Susan Feinberg
On tape, Bernstein catches up with Feinberg…

Bernstein: Susan, what price constituted outrageous in your mind.  Would you have been as upset if Ryan’s wine were $150, $100, or even $80 a bottle, like the one you had the other night — more than a day’s labor for a worker making the minimum wage.

Feinberg: I’m sorry, I have no comment on this.

Bernstein:  Was it because you thought Rep. Ryan was a hypocrite for drinking expensive wine while recommending reduced spending on Medicare and Medicaid?  Was it because she believed Rep. Ryan was corrupt for drinking with two men you suspected were lobbyists?

Feinberg: No really, I have no comment.

Bernstein: And finally, do you believe you behaved appropriately in the matter?  Would it be appropriate for a conservative who felt strongly about, say, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, or Rep. Barney Frank, to do something similar to them under similar circumstances?

Feinberg just walks away.

Farmer Ted (R) w/Tim Pawlenty
Average Joe (Tea Party) w/Michele Bachmann

Suave:  Farmer Ted head-to-head against Average Joe.

The bell rings.  Both men lock up in the middle.  Average Joe takes down Farmer Ted with a leg sweep.  Farmer Ted tries to fight back with kicks but Average Joe takes his head off with a forearm.

Suave: That was nasty.   Average Joe has Farmer Ted up…and he drives his head into the mat with a piledriver.  HOLY CRAP!

Average Joe has Farmer Ted’s shoulders pinned to the mat and the referee starts the count. ONE!   TWO!  Farmer Ted kicks out.

Average Joe charges at Farmer Ted and takes him down with a clothesline.

Suave: Oh!  Poke to the eye by Farmer Ted.   That changes the momentum in the match.  He lifts Average Joe up in a fireman’s carry, spins him around and hits him with the Barn Burner.

Farmer Ted drops the leg on Average Joe.  Average Joe rolls away and clotheslines Farmer Ted, taking him down to the mat.

Suave: Farmer Ted reaches back and hits Average Joe with a haymaker.  Average Joe comes back with a right hand.  Farmer Ted with another right hand.  Average Joe- right hand.

Farmer Ted with a wild right.  Average Joe ducks, spins him around 180, and hits an Atomic Drop.   Average Joe then lifts Farmer Ted up and hits a second piledriver.


Average Joe goes for the cover but the referee is distracted when Tim Pawlenty climbs onto the apron to complain.  Michele Bachmann then starts yelling at Pawlenty.  Average Joe backs up and waits for the referee to rejoin the match.  Once he does, Average Joe takes Farmer Ted down with a drop toe hold.

Suave: Average Joe with a stomp to the face.    OH!  HELLO!  Farmer Ted drops down and goes low on Average Joe.

Average Joe is bent over.  Farmer Ted grabs the back of Joe’s neck and hits a swinging neckbreaker.  Farmer Ted for the cover. ONE!

Suave: Average Joe shoots a shoulder up.

Average Joe clotheslines Farmer Ted.    Farmer Ted comes back and clotheslines Average Joe.    Stomp to the chest of Average Joe.  Tim Pawlenty claps his hands.

Suave: We could see Farmer Ted’s Tractor Bomb here.  Can he do it?

Farmer Ted goes for the finisher.  Average Joe reaches back and hits Farmer Ted with a reverse neckbreaker.

Suave: Average Joe runs at Farmer Ted and knocks him down.

Farmer Ted scoops Average Joe up and then slams him down to the mat.

Suave: Scoop slam by Farmer Ted!   Right hand by Farmer Ted!  Whip to the corner.  PAWLENTY GRABS AVERAGE JOE!  AND HERE COMES BACHMANN!

Bachmann runs around the ring and pulls Pawlenty off the ring apron.

Suave: Average Joe hooks Farmer Ted in a front facelock…DDT!

Average Joe lifts Farmer Ted up and slams him to the mat.


WINNER: Average Joe (Tea Party) @ 6:09

Big win for Average Joe and Michele Bachmann.

Alan Grayson Promo
Alan Grayson stands in front of a giant poster of Green Lantern.

Grayson: The movie Green Lantern opened on Friday, to mixed reviews.  Maybe the reviews would have been better if the movie had included this powerful exchange, from Green Lantern #76:

African-American Man: I’ve been readin’ about you . . . How you work for the blue skins . . . and how on a planet someplace you helped out the orange skins . . . and you done considerable for the purple skins! Only there’s skins you never bother with – the black skins!  I want to know . . . how come?!  Answer me that, Mr. Green Lantern!

Green Lantern: I  . . . can’t . . . .

I may never have the chance to talk to George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, or any of the other Masters of the Universe who led and misled our country for eight long years.  Nor may I ever have the chance to speak to Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, or any of the other savage right-wing loons who want to finish the job that Bush et al. started.  But if I could, I might say:

Me: I’ve been readin’ about you . . . How you work for multinational corporations like Big Oil. . . .  And how you say you built all those roads and schools and bridges in some country in Asia.   And in some other country in the Middle East someplace you got rid of some dictator.  Only there’s one country you never bother with – America!  I want to know . . . how come?!  Answer me that, Mr. Flag-Waiving Patriot!

Them: I  . . . can’t . . . .

Well, I can answer that.  For a generation now, we have seen the heartless, callous erosion and destruction of all the things that make you a member of the middle class in America:

A job.

A home.

A car.

The chance to see a doctor when you are sick.

A pension or retirement account.

Social Security and Medicare.

And we’ve seen them replaced by endless war, falling home values, no pensions, lower wages, and now what Karl Marx called a “reserve army of the unemployed” – to keep wages down forever.

Even after only two years in office, as one out of 435 in the House, I can point to a lot of things that I did to preserve, protect and expand the middle class in America, and to help those of us who were falling through the cracks.

I look at our so-called leaders on the other side of the aisle, and I see nothing like that.  Only a perverse delight in eliminating programs that help my fellow Americans in need.  They’ll lead us, all right – they’ll lead us straight to ruin.

The next time you see one of them — at a town hall meeting, in their plush offices, or just on the street – ask them this:  “What have you done to help the people?  Answer me that!”

If they’re honest, they’ll say what Green Lantern said:  “I can’t.”