The Obama White House has dropped the ball again. While the administration is probably attempting to pin the earthquake on George W. Bush — might I humbly suggest: “George W. Bush left me a weak tectonic situation and Republicans in Congress blocked my every attempt to fix it due to the pernicious influence of the Washington Monument Crack Repairers Lobby” — they’ve missed the bigger issue here: the earthquake was caused by global warming.
It’s come to my attention that scientists believe the earth is made up of tectonic plates and, when one grinds against another, it triggers earthquakes. Well, with the earth heating up like an adolescent boy holding his first copy of Playboy, it’s obviously causing the plates to expand. As they continue to expand, it makes them more likely to bump into one another. As a result, we get events completely unheard of in all of human history (that is, the last 5 years) like earthquakes on the east coast.
Clearly, then, American prosperity and productivity is causing earthquakes. I don’t want to hear about how American enterprise built the houses withstood a fairly large earthquake with no deaths and limited damage. If not for greenhouse gasses, we wouldn’t have had the earthquake in the first place. I’m calling on my fellow conservatives to immediately pressure the White House to stop American technological progress so that we can return to peace with the land — like the people of Haiti enjoy.