Help Wanted: Prognosticators

From Global Warming to the Fall of The United States, it has become most fashionable to predict the future and call it “news”.

Perhaps reality has (to them) become a boring topic. I mean, with the increase in “fake but accurate” reporting of current events these days (or the advent of the internet, which has enabled us average folk to find the truth the “professionals” have been hiding) and the hastening decline of once powerful print (and televised) news organizations, what journalist wants to take a chance at being caught making up headlines? 

And what is the price paid by these modern day Sooth Sayers of doom?


Al Gore Interestingly, in spite of the mounting quantities of scientific data proving that the earth is (in fact) cooling (and several Global Warming Summits have been cancelled due to ice and snow storms) and that the polar bear population is on a significant rise (rather than drowning and starving as they were supposed to be doing) he has won an Oscar and the Nobel Peace Prize for his exhaustive efforts to promote world-wide awareness of the pending doom of the planet due to the carbon emissions generated by the human population (and flatulent cowsand pigs…). and his doomsday followers refuse to let go of their hope (their need) that the world (as we know it) will end… soon… and on their predetermined schedule

In Russia, they have their own Prognosticator of Certain Doom. His prediction is that America will endreal soon.

His name is Igor Panarin, a 50-year old Russian academic who has been for the past 10 years predicting that the United States will fall apart in 2010. He as even narrowed it down to the season… Summertime… More specifically in late June or early July. Professor Panarin is a former KGB analyst and is currently dean of the Russian Foreign Ministry’s academy for future diplomats.

Imagine that. A man who predicts the future fall of other countries makes a living predicting who will be the future leaders of his own. And here I was thinking only we here in the United States had it’s Al Gore’s to offer up some comic relief during these stressful times.

Mr. Panarin posits, in brief, that mass immigration, economic decline, and moral degradation will trigger a civil war next fall and the collapse of the dollar. Around the end of June 2010, or early July, he says, the U.S. will break into six pieces — with Alaska reverting to Russian control.

“Reverting to Russian Control”…? Do they mean, “reverting to Russian control” the way Georgia “reverted” to Russian control?

Another individual who has devoted his life looking for signs that the world will end is Frank DiMora. He uses Iggy’s nonsense as proof that the Biblical “End of Times” is upon us as he has been telling us for years. Even the National Intelligence Council (NIC) is getting as excited as Frankie Boy about this End of The World thing.

Although Igor admits that few took his silly predictions seriously, (that a complete collapse in both our economy and morality will trigger a civil war and result in the eventual breakup of the United States), he has recently found an eager ear, quite enthusiastic to hear more details regarding his little prophesies of America’s Fall.

And who are those anxious ears attached to… leaning with hands cupped… holding their breath as to not miss any of the glorious details…? The Russian state media. (the Dan Ratherov’s and Tom Brokawski’s of the once mighty USSR, you might say…)

Where, in the past, Panarin and his foreboding visions of America meeting its end were ignored, he is now being interviewed as much as twice a day. “It’s a record,” says Prof. Panarin. “But I think the attention is going to grow even stronger.”

Wouldn’t that be nice? Who knows, Igor… maybe there’s a Nobel Peace Prize in this for you too! I mean, the Kremlin has been blaming the United States for the instability in the Middle East… and everyone knows that everyone in the Middle East got along just hunky-dorey just until shortly after we declared our Independence from England… Right? And, of course, we are also to blame for the global financial crisis, ’cause Lord knows YOU and the other struggling countries aren’t responsible for your own problems. Let’s face it, Iggy, just as George Bush has caused all of America’s problems, the United States is the root of the Worlds evils and challenges.

Actually, the only reason why you aren’t still being ignored or laughed out of the rooms where you are now welcomed with open arms is because (like Al and his global warming minions who need an enemy to blame for all of their personal problems)… your views of America’s fall are only getting air-time because they are exactly the sort of BS the yutzes in the Kremlin and the rest of the America Haters want to hear right now. These Russians WANT to believe they are going to return to their former glory. They WANT to believe it is their rightful place to be front and center on the world stage, especially after the weakness and humiliation of the 1990s” when many were predicting the same fate for Russia, which you are wishing predicting will happen to the United States in a little less than two years.

Now China is on the End of America bandwagon. From the website, China View, Sun Ruijun and Bao Erwen discuss with much delight how the financial turmoil, which broke out in the U.S. on Wall Street in September, “showed its vulnerability” and will lead to the fall of the U.S. as THE Super Power of the World.

Would that be the same “vulnerability” being demonstrated by China’s crashing exports and sky-rocketing housing prices… which caused the need to cut back on fuel consumption, which is killing other industries in your country like delivery/courier services… anything that has to do with getting something somewhere by way of anything other than an electric bike?

Alternatively, Sun and Bao proudly remind us of how in 2008, after standing the test of natural disasters following the Wenchuan earthquake in May, (while the U.S was “acting as the world’s only superpower”) China succeeded in hosting the “truly exceptional” 29th Olympic Games in August.

They must have missed that “under-aged” athlete controversy… and that fake but  flawless in image” of a lip-synching 7-year old who sang their national anthem… the fake opening ceremony fireworks… and the “eye-searing” smog choking their competition… Not even their media/internet black-out could prevent that kind of news from getting out. And they must have been napping when their government built all of those shoddy schools, which collapsed during the quake and killed 19,000 students and refused offers of help from the United States and other countries while they lied to their own people about everything… But we didn’t.

Sun and Bao also boast of how China sent the Shenzhou-7 spacecraft into orbit, accomplishing its first ever space walk… only 43 years after Ed White became the first American to do that at 3:45 p.m. on June 3rd of 1965.

Who knows, in another decade or so, maybe they’ll even LAND on the moon… and with a little luck, they might even have a man WALK on the moon and plant one of their flags… right next to the one we put there over 39 years ago.

Wouldn’t that be somethin!?!

Heck, by that time, we might even have a hotel on the moon you guys could stay at while you’re there!

It is also the opinion of Sun and Bao that we are “still deep in trouble” in Iraq and Afghanistan, which has “undermined” our “international image”.

Perhaps in their next Op-Ed, Sun and Bao will remind us of that time on earth when our “international image” was that of “loved and admired”… You know… for all of the times we bailed the other countries around the world out of wars… and famine… and disease… and ran to their rescue and brought freedom to their citizens who were being tortured, raped and slaughtered by some ruthless dictator

Yeah… Those were the days, weren’t they? I can still feel the love.

Sun and Bao also reveal to us that “some analysts” attribute the decline of America to its “policy of unilateralism” and its “expansionism on international issues”, and its “practice of a laissez-faire free market economy at home”.

Of course, they forget to mention who “some analysts” are and they fail to give specifics regarding those unilateral policies, expansionisms and laissez-faire-nesses and they don’t even bother to guess “what consequences” these policies will have on U.S. national strength. Of course, maybe what Sun and Bao don’t understand that looking out for ourselves and not asking for the world’s permission to defend ourselves is rather what makes us unique in this world and that it’s kinda “our thing”, our chosen purpose to bring that same independence and freedom to anyone else who wants it and that “practice of laissez-faire free market” thing… We call that “capitalism”. It’s how we grow so many wealthy people over here… This and those other things you hate about us are precisely what inspires just as many people to flock TO our borders as there are people ESCAPING yours. 


Or maybe it’s me… Maybe I am simply too ignorant, too fragile of mind to understand the intricacies and complications of these “truths yet to come”, which is why me and the rest of my mentally challenged friends must have these revelations translated to us by Higher Powers through our Modern Worldwide Ministers of Information (as we were through their brothers, Nostradamus… Edgar Cayce… Pat Robertson… Al, Iggy, Sun and Bao… Oh..  and… um… what’s his name





I imagine they will simply sit there… and wait… with their collective fingers crossed and their combined breath held… hoping for the change… praying hard that their predictions of Armageddon will come to pass and life as we know it will end… or at least that the end of America will come soon, so that life as we know it will at least be substantially diminished so there won’t be as many witnesses left of them making blathering idiots of themselves.