Citizens of the World:
After our initial attempts to deflect and explain away the growing scientific scandal with snooty jargon, claims of speaking in scientific tongues and lots of really big words, we apparently have failed to head off the swelling, stampeding unenlightened masses and return them to their blissful state of inattentive ignorance. Therefore, we at A.U.P.S.L.O.P.T.P. (Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, Sages, Luminaries and other Professional Thinking Persons) have decided the time has come to simply come clean with the Truth.
There is no Global Warming or Climate Change. Never has been and never likely will be. There you have it. But of course we were forced to tell you these things for your own good. We had no other choice than to convince you that you had to give up your freedom, your wealth and your place as a leader in the world to save the planet from Global Warming and then from Climate Change………..because the real truth is too frightening, too fantastic, too terrible to speak of………. too dreadful to have trusted any of you ….. with the Truth. You couldn’t have handled the Truth. The stakes involved are too mind bogglingly enormous and so risky that no one but us enlightened and unimpeachably trustworthy scientists in concert with your elite rulers could be trusted with this knowledge. Only we could be trusted to take whatever action was necessary to Save the World.
Unfortunately, we have now all been placed in the most perilous jeopardy by some bottom feeding slinking slimy aberrant……….either a closet conservative mole that got through our internal screening process or worse a rabid, radical, ideologically challenged, blasphemous computer hacker. But then, I digress from the point of our coming clean in an open and honest manner. What has been revealed is not as it appears….. it is not a conspiracy of deception……..it is a conspiracy of protection to save you all!!!!!
The truth is that we must stop all man-made emissions of greenhouse gas immediately. We have no choice. The true threat that has been too terrible to speak of until now is…………..is…………………is:
That the entire planet is in imminent danger of being eaten by an enormous mutant star goat!!! Yes, a space beast of celestial proportions….. bad tempered, with sharp pointy teeth. It is well known in the scientific community, at least the part of any import, that there is nothing more delectable and enticing to mutant star goats than planets awash in greenhouse gases ……. and the absolutely most irresistible greenhouse gases are, of course, anthropogenic gases ……like we are furiously pumping out. This goat was initially drawn to our solar system by the greenhouse gases wafting out into the cosmos from the planet Venus. Sadly, the star goat is currently finishing off Venus and is likely to still be a bit peckish. We are undoubtedly next…………..our fate looks to become goat dessert, unless we can stop the gases that will so insidiously lure the Beast to our home world.
We know this is difficult to believe……….but then you bought our Global Warming cover story for years!!!! But now is not the time to point indignant fingers and shout irrational things like “You lying pack of vermin !!!” Now is the time to act. We are now free to come together as One World shouting our true rallying cry: On to Copenhagen: Remember the Planet Venus !!!! ……Stop the Gases Now or Get Goat Gotten !!!!!!
It is such an incredible relief for us to finally be able to be completely open and honest with you……since we must now all come together to join in this epic struggle for our very existence. Sacrifices will have to be made…… pretty much by all of you. We have been on top of this for years. We are humanity’s last best hope for survival. We are way smarter than everyone else……at least anyone that matters. The facts are clear and we have carefully and thoroughly peer reviewed….. ourselves. We have repeatedly reached consensus on the consensus of our conclusions, each time achieving the same exact previously concluded conclusion that we knew we would conclude upon…….thereby confirming its correctness. But don’t be confused by our highly technical talk; sadly, it is just a language we speak amongst ourselves that is foreign to the outside world. Simply stated: we must stop the gases now!! Unfortunately we cannot release our original data, since you do not speak our language………nor are your brains as highly trained as ours……. besides, the urgency and immediacy of the impending disaster would not allow time anyway…….. and besides, the goat ate it all anyway……
The Star Goat could come at anytime now!!!…….or it could be on the way even as we speak!!! If we should, by some miracle of Herculean planet wide cooperative sacrifice and effort, escape the mutant star goat, we can never return to our previous ways. Just remember……the mutant star goat could always come back……and we don’t know how many goats there are out there……….
SAVE THE PLANET……WE KNOW NOT THE HOUR OF THE GOAT !!!!!!
Good Luck and Thanks for all the Carbon Credits,
Your Servants in Humility at the A.U.P.S.L.O.P.T.P.
Many satirical hat tips to Douglas Adams