Diary

Cuba Revolucion Makes Grande Reforms!

Have you heard about Cuba?! They are making major reforms! They are going to allow… private auto sales!

Yes, indeed, after 52 years of dictatorship a “major” reform is being instituted that is going to bring peace and happiness to all the oppressed Cuban people… the freedom to buy and sell automobiles. Next thing you know they’ll be able to vote in rigged elections!

Oh, wait. I think they can already do that…

Indeed Cuba finally is moving into the 20th century. Wonderful, isn’t it? With its forward-looking leaders like the Castro brothers. Fidel Castro even has been called a “genius” by a Follywood thug…. uh, actor… Jack Nicholson and praised lavishly by another Follywood thug… uh, director… Stephen Spielberg.

Car sales, indeed.  Yes, amigo, real freedom finally has arrived for the Cuban people. Do you want it with gasoline or without?

Under the new law buyers and sellers must each pay a 4% tax.

So the government gets 8% right off the top.  And you wonder why they want to allow car sales!?

Unrestricted sales had been limited to cars built before the 1959 revolution, which is the reason that Cuba’s streets are filled with American cars from the 1950s

So finally Cuba is ready to move beyond the 1959 revolution into the… 1960s!

Here are some of the other freedoms Cuba apparently has in mind according to secret tape recordings of a conversation between the two benevolent dictators… uh, benevolent brothers…  Fidel and Raul Castro:

FIDEL: “What about cigars? Should we allow the mighty Cuban people to smoke cigars?

RAUL: “Non, commandante. The American Lung Association says that cigars are bad for The People’s health!”

FIDEL: “Si, yes, you are right. We shall only export the cigars. They bring great wealth into our egalitarian society. Almost $20 million last year alone!”

RAUL: “Yes, commandante. Such a bountiful export. That is, what, $10 per person to redistribute in the glorious revolution!”

FIDEL: “Such abundance! Or, perhaps we can invest it on behalf of the people, to build a new resort to bring in the European communists… uh, tourists… who support our cause! Viva Cuba!”

RAUL: “Yes, great leader. Perhaps we can get Stephen Spielberg and Jack Nicholson to make ads for our wonderful tourist economy! Saying something like ‘Come on down! The water’s fine! You’ll be happy like all the Cubans themselves are with our free People’s Ocean to swim in!’”

FIDEL: “Bueno, bueno. That is a wonderful idea. I shall call Spielberg personally. I have him on rotary speed dial on my bakelite phone. Please… call the operator for me.”

RAUL: “Yes, and what about other freedoms, like the freedom to buy food?”

FIDEL: “Food?! That is unnecessary. Who needs food! It is plentiful today! We are all happy with our beans and rice and plenty of nutritious water!”

RAUL: “Yes commandante, the water is very refreshing. I have heard that all the rivers in the capitalist nations are polluted.”

FIDEL: “Yes, polluted with the gold that the rich capitalist swine hoard so much of that it flows into the rivers while the people in America suffer eating Ring Dings and Pepsi three times a day!”

RAUL: “Unlike Cuba where everyone has the same amount of everything! Like cars!”

FIDEL: “Yes, just think of how jealous are the car collectors in perverted America to see all the 1950s cars in our streets, like a free car show every day for our wonderful people, just another attraction while the Americans slave away all day in the factories! Do they have free car shows every day in America?!”

RAUL: “No, never. Only a few people have the newer cars that only rich exploiters can afford after they have stolen the labors of their employees.”

FIDEL: “How they can sleep at night I will never know, those capitalist pigs…”

RAUL: “Certainly only with the help of the expensive sleeping pills at $100 each sold by their insatiably greedy pharmaceutical companies.”

FIDEL: “The Cuban people sleep soundly knowing that they are not going to wake up to another day of exploitation and slavery.”

RAUL: “Yes commandante. It is only in our socialist paradise that people are allowed to become the World Citizens they really want to be!”

FIDEL: “Indeed, they have no material things to worry about…”

RAUL: “Because they have no material things in the first place to worry about! That is the genius of communism!”

FIDEL: “Yes, isn’t communism brilliant! Viva Cuba!”

RAUL: “Si! Viva Cuba! Now let’s go into the streets! I just saw a hot ’55 Chevy with a V6 for sale! It looks like my kind of car! And it comes with a gallon of gas!”

FIDEL: “You would look sharp in that ride, comrade!”