Unwatchable 'Unstoppable'

Once every 8 years I go to the movies. Since I love trains, I usually only go to see movies about trains. One of the last such films I saw was Runaway Train in 1985, which is a cult classic today. It was shot in Alaska.


There is a new train movie out called Unstoppable. It is also about a runaway freight train, a classic action thriller. It has some good train photography, but after watching it I was reminded about the many reasons why I avoid Follywood movies altogether.


Unstoppable stars Denzel Washington but does not seem to have any other big names in it – although I wouldn’t know who they are anyway. It must have been a budget film because it has some pretty limited cinematography, mostly a lot of long telephoto shots of two trains – one the runaway, the other the rescue train – speeding through rural Pennsylvania, occasionally through small towns where locals obviously were paid to be extras in the movie.


There are lots of cop cars speeding alongside the train and sometimes crashing and flipping; media helicopters chasing the train and filming the action for the nightly news; and one scene where two locomotives fall on their side and burst into flame. Wow! 


In fact, the whole movie seems to have been shot with a really, really powerful telephoto lens to add to the visual dynamic of moving trains. For a train nut like myself, it was pretty visually interesting. Unfortunately, the movie is so full of political correctness and leftist bluster that it becomes Unwatchable for a conservative.


First the hero of the film is Washington, who is black. He plays the clean-shaven, well-spoken thoughtful engineer named Frank Barnes who is in his last few weeks on the job after being fired from the company in a union-busting tactic. He has been terminated without his pension by the evil capitalist railroad run by white males. To add to the pitiful situation, his wife died of cancer. (Violins playing…)


The yard where the runaway train escapes from is run by a black female yardmaster named Connie Hooper who has all the answers to every question, just like black females do all over the railroad industry (that’s a joke…) Barnes and Hooper are the two ‘good people’ in the film.


Meanwhile all the evil and stupid people in the movie are profane white working-class males with three days’ growth of beard, or selfish, clueless caucasian railroad executives with all the wrong ideas for stopping the train, all of which Hooper argues against and Barnes knows won’t work. In fact the conductor on Barnes’ rescue train is a white guy with a three day beard and big marital problems who also happens to be a moron who got his job only because he is the nephew of the malicious union-buster company president.


Phew! This is getting hard to watch.


OK, OK, so it’s Follywood. You try to forget all that stuff. But then it gets worse. There is lots of profanity in the movie, working-class white railroad employees with three-day old beards cursing and cursing. But not Frank Barnes. No, he is Shakespeare. And when you consider that the film obviously is intended for kids too, the profanity is clearly another Follywood affront. But then again it is important to remember that the liberals who make these movies wish to degrade us at every turn by any means necessary. A kids’ movie is fine.


The plot is this: An engineer (a white guy, of course) stupidly hops off his crawling train to throw a switch just ahead of his train – something that would never, ever happen in real life, trust me. He trips and falls to the ground and the train gets away then somehow magically speeds up to 70 MPH. Yardmaster Hooper, obviously the Smartest Woman in the World After Oprah Winfrey, then tracks the train across Pennsylvania on a map that looks like a kid’s light-up board game from the 1950s, meanwhile hollering through the phone at all the paleface railroad executives about how venal, greedy and ignorant they are (i.e., that all white people obviously are).


Of course, there needs to be an environmental angle so that the kids in the audience can have nightmares about the trains going through their towns in addition to all the other enviro nightmares they have like ‘global warming’. So the runaway train is carrying toxic chemicals which the wicked caucasian railroad mangers don’t care about, but only about how to stop the train at the lowest possible cost. There’s even the obligatory scene of the railroad president being called on the golf course to be apprised of efforts to stop the runaway with the least amount of damage to his company’s stock.


Man, they sure lay it on thick! You might think that the people who made Unstoppable are communists!


Ultimately all the management attempts to stop the runaway fail and engineer Barnes and the dumb white conductor on his train are the only guys who can stop it before it reaches the big city of Stanton and explodes, killing thousands. So you can guess what happens: Big-hearted Frank Barnes, with his 28 years of experience, puts his life on the line – despite the fact that the railroad already sent him his walking papers – and pulls his speeding locomotive up to the rear of the runaway train and couples onto it, then slows it down.


And in two minor sops to us conservatives, it is all covered on a Fox News station and the inept white guy conductor actually plays a heroic role and gets his wife back.


In the final scene, we are told that Frank Barnes got his full pension from the tight-fisted capitalist railroad owners.


Unbelievable should be the title of this movie. So I have decided to write a screenplay for a conservative movie called Stoppable to show liberals how ridiculously biased they are.


Stoppable will feature a caucasian railroad executive named Elliot Stevenson who just has returned from ferrying orphans out of Thailand and is back in Pennsylvania writing some checks to charity before departing to work on the hospital that he is building with his own hands in Kyrgizstan.


But there is trouble on the rails. A black drug dealer nicknamed 40 Cent, who just murdered a Sikh convenience store owner and impregnated his ninth separate female, hijacks a train full of big-screen hi-def TV sets made proudly by a non-union company in Texas, which he plans to run to Philly to peddle in the ‘hood. Unfortunately, however, the hapless 40 Cent falls into a crack-induced daze and the train runs out of control.


Stevenson’s nephew Woodward, a Constitutional scholar who is arguing on behalf of white Connecticut firefighters who have been denied promotions simply because no black applicants passed the promotion test, happens to be visiting the railroad’s headquarters that day when he is called in to stop the runaway train. He knows how to do that because he worked on his uncle’s railroad in his youth during which time he gave all his wages to a fund to help kids with cystic fibrosis.


Woodward hops into a locomotive and rushes up to the rear of the runaway train and couples onto it, slowing it to a stop while texting his brief about the Constitution’s establishment clause to his secretary in a free-speech case. In the final scene, Woodward thanks God and his English great-great-great-great grandfather for the wonderful life he has been given in America. In the final scene of Stoppable, Woodward finds a $100 bill on the street and gives it to a black homeless person.


Stoppable! In theaters in 2012, just in time for Obama’s defeat!


Please visit my website at www.nikitas3.com for more. You can read excerpts from my book, Right Is Right, which explains why only conservatism can maintain our freedom and prosperity.