The REDSTATE geological survey team has predicted a political earthquake on the magnitude of a 10.0 on the victor scale tomorrow beginning at exactly 8:01 PM EST. This will be a serious and real earthquake and could pose a danger to all affected which will be the entire U.S. land mass and lefties everywhere.
You are advised to take these recommended precautions.
1. Secure all cabinets by duct taping the door handles so they do not spill their contents causing potential injury.
2. Make sure that you have plenty of liquor and beer, Doritos and microwave popcorn as the night could be very long and satisfying.
3. Be prepared to listen to alternative reality theories that somehow this is not a rejection of Barack Obama and his policies.
4. It is advisable to keep some sort of mid section waist harness if you intend to watch MSNBC or CNN as your sides may split from laughter.
5.Secure all loose table beverages as they could spill onto your laptop as your feet suddenly burst forward and kick the coffee table across the room as the projection totals trickle in.
6. Remain indoors at all times as the thought of running into the street screaming at the moon could be hazardous as you could run into traffic unexpectedly.
7.Keep your cell phone charger nearby so as to not lose your cell phone charge as you call everybody you know and scream into the phone “Are you freakin’ watchin’ this….?”
8.Be advised to keep all pets down in the basement as they could be panicked by sudden shrieks of joy as you leap into the air like a crazy person.
9.Move back all the furniture near the television as you may find yourself furiously pacing back and forth in front of the television screaming “In your face…Aaarrgggh…in your FACE you bleepin’ jerk off”
10. You also may want to wear oven mitts on your hands all night so you do not pull out your own hair in complete disbelief that we stole the bluest of the blue state Senate seats in the home court of the father of the healthcare bill with a guy who vowed to kill the bill and shocked the political world and our own GOP leadership by proving that a good conservative candidate can win ANYWHERE !!!!!
I’m so friggin’ happy and excited that I am wearing an adult undergarment to protect the cushions on my couch from sudden stains.
I love you all.