The Keys to the Presidency

Given all the recent talk about Sarah Palin, and specifically whether she’d be a better President than the incumbent, we give you the Slurm® Keys to the Presidency, brought to you by new Slurm® Energy Drink. Keep the energy to party all night, Slurms MacKenzie™ Style!


Under the stress of the job, the personal failings of “the man behind the desk” will come out. It’s no contest on this one. We’ve got a mother whose worst failings were to use the wrong email account and to stand up to a wife beater, versus the cokehead Community Organizer.

Score: Wholesome Mom 1, Chicago Roughhouser 0


Particularly for a Republican, you have to be able to engage the people and bypass the press and the Congress. However any President must be able to get his message across to be able to lead. I’ll call this a tie because while Palin can whip up a crowd, Obama’s stiff-necked approach can work in the right settings.

Score: Doncha Know 1.5, TelePrompTer 0.5


Any President will have signature issues he wants progress on. They have to be good ones he can win on, or he winds up short of political capital and long on enemies. I’ll call this one a tie because Palin hasn’t really expressed anything specific (of course, as she’s not running for anything), and Obama’s a miserable failure at his whole long-term agenda to date.

Score: Blank Slate 2, I 1


The unforeseen will happen. The President must have the right way of thinking about the country and the world to react in the right way to crises foreign and domestic. Obama again is a proven failure, from Honduras to the economy, while Palin has proven herself at least an authentic American.

Score: Pitbull 3, Bower in Chief 1

Political winner

Our system is designed to give political obstacles to anyone who wants anything done. You have to be able to win those fights. Let’s face it, between the ex-Governor and Mr. 45%, neither is looking that hot right now despite each winning their last elections after being underdogs in the primary.

Score: Quitter 3.5, Filibuster-Proof Flopper 1.5


The executive branch is big. You have to be able to hire good people who will hire good people and run the bureaucracy. Again, I think they’re both probably lousy at it. Palin is a lone wolf but the Smoothest Transition Ever™ wasn’t.

Score: Maverick 4, Tax Cheat City 2

So with the final score 4-2, I still think Palin’s on top though we can do way better than either, in theory. In practice, we have to wait and keep our minds wide open as 2012 approaches.