Some Sound Advice For Former Senator George LeMieux

Dear George:

We have been doing some political “gaming” at PracticalState and we have decided that we would let you know we have developed some sophisticated political tactics you could take to ease your way to the Florida GOP Nomination for Senator.

We first had to establish a ground truth assumption in order to come up with our eventual strategies. The ground truth assumption was that you, along with Charlie Crist and Jim Greer, were in on the funneling of funds to Greer’s political consulting firm from the start and you were aware of the continuous rape of Republican Party Of Florida (RPOF) funds during the Governorship of Charlie Crist and RPOF Chairmanship of Jim Greer.  We also took the liberty of assuming that when Jim Greer is tried in Federal Court, you are going to subpoenaed as a hostile witness on behalf of the defense and might have to plead the Fifth when you take the stand.

I like to refer you to this early post of ours that pretty much sums up the pickle you and Charlie Crist are going to find yourselves in:   Who do You Believe: “Sammy the Bull” Gravano or Jim Greer?…Answer: Both

So, We started with this “Hypothetical” fundamental issue that stands in your way to the Florida GOP Senate nomination. We presented the assumption to our PracticalState “think tank” as follows:

Resolved: It is painfully obvious that George LeMieux was up to his neck in probable illegal and definitely corrupt actions with his Boss, then Governor Charlie “Talking Head” Crist and then RPOF Chairman Jim Greer.  What strategies can best be utilized to fool enough Republicans to still vote for an obviously compromised and probably very corrupt George LeMieux in his, frankly, absurd quest to be elected the GOP Senate Candidate to run against Senator Bill “I’ve Never Heard of This Obama Fellow” Nelson.

After intense brainstorming and not some little effort on our part, we think we have come up three possible strategies that might help you get the 2012 Senate GOP nomination (we can’t guarantee anything except that if you ARE elected to run against Bill Nelson, you WILL lose).

Strategy Number One: You have been drunk since 2005.

For most of mankind’s history and specifically American history up until 1919, being drunk was a socially acceptable state of existence for men to be in and most definitely for all politicians of all ideologies.  U.S. Grant kicked Robert E. Lee’s ass while drunk and went on to be one of the more celebrated drunk presidents in our nation’s history. Admittedly ever since Prohibition this has, at least publically, been an unacceptable state for our political class to be in, but as the stellar career of Ted Kennedy proves, it does not disqualify you to be a member of the Senate.  To be honest, the only reason that being continuously drunk fell into disfavor in our society was the really stupid decision (for men) to let women have an increasingly active role in our nations politics and eventually giving them the vote.  Carrie Nation anyone? Yes ladies, your gender is responsible for the Mafia, Al Capone and Murder, Inc.

However, George, it has been a hundred years since Ms. Nation (thankfully) met her maker and since then women have increasingly been a) Drinking like men; b) Smoking like men; b) Screwing around like men; and d) Dying of cancer and psoriasis of the liver like men.  So we at the PracticalState political think tank have come to the conclusion that if you step forward and disclose that you have been a “hog swilling drunk” since at least since 2005 and have openly embraced this as an acceptable lifestyle for yourself, then there is damn good chance a good percentage of the electorate (especially amongst the College Crowd) will respond positively to your announcement and might be willing to believe that because you have been drunk since 2005 so therefore had no idea what Jim Greer and Charlie Crist were doing (or at least don’t remember).

Strategy Number Two: You were victim of the “Silver Tongue” of Charlie Crist

Like a majority of Florida’s voters in 2006, you fell under the spell of the Charlie Crist.  Yep, just tell folks that like a lot of men, you were seduced by seductive, sinuous solicitations by that master of oral ministrations, Charles Joseph “Charlie” Crist Jr.

You probably not the first (nor the last) man to come under that voodoo that Charlie do so well. Just tell folks that Charlie kept you in the closet about what he and Greer were doing and that, like a young Schoolboy, you were totally infatuated with the then Governor and believed everything he told you. But, since then, you have gone to the political equivalent of aversion therapy to Charlie Crist and men like him and/or became a Scientologist.

However, we at the PracticalState think that this is the weakest of the three strategies due the increasing scientific evidence that people are hardwired from birth as to their true nature (in your case, our lawyers at PracticalState are telling us to state in no uncertain terms that we are talking about being “gullible” in order to avoid any lawsuits) and no amount of therapy or purging of Thetans is going to change that. Which leads us to what we at PracticalState think is the best solution to your problems:

Strategy Number Three: “The Weasel Gambit”

This is, in our humble opinion, has the best chance of success because most folks will believe this and like a lot of political tactics, it has a kernel of truth to it. You claim that due to your French ancestry, you are by nature and by culture, a natural born “weasel” and that by electing you, you will prove to be the much sought after GOP counter-weight to Chuck Schumer of New York.

If someone brings up the fact that Republicans already have Lindsay Graham, you counter that there is no way anyone of Scot-Irish ancestry can be a “weasel” and with that one proclamation you will secure 95% of the Republican vote in the primary from Pensacola to Jacksonville. If Mike Haridopolos brings up the fact that the current French President, Nicolas Sarkozy doesn’t seem like a weasel (especially when compared to the current U.S. President) immediately counter that Sarkozy is really Hungarian and not a true Frenchman.

When the press and your primary opponents bring up the obvious fact that there is NO WAY Jim Greer did what he did without you personally knowing about it, you go into full weasel mode and deny, deny, deny. You then bring up Haridopolos’s book deal and that if you had been in Haridopolos’s shoes, you would have figured out a way not to have gotten caught misreporting income and would have had absolutely no problem weaseling your way out of getting admonished by your fellow Senators.

By embracing the concept of being a “natural born weasel”, it also gives the option of denying actually being a weasel when people remind you that you admitted to being one.

The permutations and possible political conundrums presented by using this method are endless so we at PracticalState formally endorse this tactic for you to use.

You will be getting a bill from PracticalState for this political “think tank” work on behalf of your campaign, but, if you adopt “The Weasel Gambit”, you will of course, figure out a way to “weasel out” of paying us.

We understand.