Diary

Feds Target Gibson Again: English Muffins and Swiss Cheese up Next

OBAMA REGIME ON SPANISH RICE AND CANADIAN BACON: ‘THEIR DAYS ARE NUMBERED AS WELL’

 

The Obama Regime, in another daring attack on Gibson Guitar, went back after the company today in a demand for 25 more bundles of illegal Indian wood. (In a related story, the Regime said it would “ruthlessly pursue” the illegal importation of English muffins and Swiss cheese.)

“These are matters of national security,” said Attorney General, Eric Holder: “The president has made it very clear that this Regime will not stand idly by while those who smuggle Indian wood, English muffins and Swiss cheese into this country walk the streets of America as free men.”

Today’s action by the Regime comes on the heals of its lightning strike on the Gibson factory last month, when stormtroopers federal agents stormed company headquarters in a search for IED UIW. (unfinished Indian wood) The high-risk covert mission miraculously ended without major casualties. Working from an anonymous tip, the Regime demanded the additional UIW, which Gibson allegedly planned to use to “build guitars” – but Vice President Biden isn’t buying the company’s story:

“Guitars, schmuitars, this is raw wood we’re talking about; it is not finished; have you ever seen a guitar made of unfinished wood?  Listen – it doesn’t take a tree-hugger to realize that if this wood falls into the wrong hands, it could be the end of the wacko environmental regulations era as we know it.”

According to Holder, “If the wood in question had been finished, the Obama Regime would not have deemed Gibson to be the grave security threat to the environmental movement that it is – pure and simple.”

In addition, the Attorney General announced that similar raids will be conducted on Thomas’ English Muffins and the Sargento Cheese plant in Wisconsin, which makes the company’s Swiss cheese. (An unidentified source in the White House claims that President Obama initially opposed the planned action against Sargento, saying, “It sure sounds like an Italian company to me.”)

Said Holder of Thomas’ English Muffins: “As is the case with unfinished wood from India, the fact that muffins are being brought into the United States before they are toasted is the issue; if they were toasted in England prior to shipment, this would not be a major international crisis.”

After a reporter from HuffPo explained to Holder that there is in fact, no such thing as an “English muffin” in England – and that while they are similar to crumpets – English muffins are actually made in the United States, Holder huddled with an unidentified aide for a moment before announcing that he would consult with “B” and “get back to you on this at a later time.”

As Holder hurriedly left the podium, a reporter from MSNBC called out: “What about Sargento? Will you get back to us on that too?”, to which Holder sneered, “Whatever.”

In similar news, an item on the White House website claiming that manufacturers of Spanish rice and Canadian bacon were also under federal investigation has been pulled – without explanation.

On a lighter note, Gibson is the only major non-union guitar manufacturer in the United States, and is located in Tennessee, a right-to-work state – while Fender, Taylor, Rickenbacker, Martin and Alvarez are all located in forced-union states. On second thought, I’m guessing Barack Obama’s union buddies don’t see much humor in it.

You don’t suppose Richard Trumka plays a Gibson guitar, do you?