I’d like to sign up for the New World Order in the Black Ops UFO division. I’d rather not do the neo-fascist thing, but Capitalist Masonic Pig Dog would be fine with me. My grandfather was a Mason, and I know he would have encouraged me to join had he not died before I was born. I’m cool with it. I’ve heard so many good things about the NWO that I think it’s time for me to make my contribution to the greater good. Does anyone know how to submit an application? I mean, do the Men in Black monitor this board looking for recruits, or maybe the top secret black ops guys? I don’t know, of course, but I’m assuming they must, so I thought I’d just ask them right here since their phone number is, like, unlisted.
Look, I’m well qualified. I have a lifetime of experience in both conspiracies, UFOs, and bureaucracies. I’m computer literate and height/weight proportionate. I don’t smoke. I lean conservative and I’m a loyal American. I feel my education, experience, and loyalty qualify me as a commissioned officer. Considering that time is of the essence here (I’m no spring chicken), I suggest you start me off as, say, a Lieutenant Colonel. I’m not asking to set policy or anything, but I’d like to contribute at a meaningful level and I simply do not have the time to work up through the ranks. I’m a pretty good mission specialist. Just give me direction and I’ll get the job done whatever it is. Once you see my resume you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Eventually I’d like to join the General Staff. I know I have to prove myself first, but I wanted you to know I have goals. Oh, also! I’ve had a Secret Clearance before, so we don’t have to start from scratch.
So if you would just contact me, which should be easy enough for folks like you. I’m not really hiding, but I don’t want to deal with the cranks. I mean, I’ve got Caller ID on purpose. Other than that I’m easy to find. Contact me and I’ll point you to my online resume (if you haven’t found it already) and we can go from there. There’s a big open field directly in front of my house (see Google Earth to verify), so if you are restricted to, shall we say, more exotic means of travel, it should be no problem. You could always just drive up in a black sedan and knock on the door. That would be okay, too. Don’t worry about the dog. He has a big bark, but he’s really harmless. If he knows who you are he’ll hide under the bed anyway. That’s what he did last time the cops showed up. (It was no big deal. I’ll tell you all about it.)
Oh, by the way, I don’t require payment except for expenses incurred. I’ll volunteer. I wanted you to know how serious I am about this. And I’m a pretty good shot.
Thanks. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.