Soccer Stinks, And Not Just Because It's a Commie Sport

A Pew Research poll has found that only 40% of “solid liberals” are proud to be American. I know, you’re shocked. No doubt, 95% of these same liberals love Soccer. I’m sure the other, curiously designated subgroups in the poll that lean left, are big fans as well. Soccer is after all, the “most popular sport in the world.” We’re told this all the time by leftist journalists who probably wish that they lived in a more advanced culture like Spain, France, or perhaps Uruguay.

Why throw off on Soccer, you say? Because, it’s a commie sport. The Washington Free Beacon puts it this way:

The World Cup is great because, like the election and reelection of Barack Obama, it gives American hipsters a chance to partake in unironic expressions of patriotism. It also provides a convenient segue to telling your friends about the “football” “club” you grew to love during the 5 ½ weeks you “lived” in Spain that summer after your junior year at Oberlin. (And check out this cool scarf I got!)

We all know that soccer is a socialist sport. That’s simply beyond dispute at this point. The “USA” team’s recently unveiled World Cup uniforms are proof enough. In fact, they appear to be modeled after the flag of theSocialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.

Of course liberals become righteously indignant when you say that their beloved Soccer was somehow inspired by Karl Marx’s philosophy on government and culture. Put your indignation away, lefties; you could hurt somebody with that thing!

One of the left’s favorite pincushion’s, Anne Coulter, summarizes the ridiculous infatuation that America goes through every four years when the World Cup is in progress. She gives nine bullet points worth your time to read about why it’s so ludicrous to even consider Soccer to be a serious sport in the same category as Baseball, Basketball, and Football. That’s another thing, Soccer is not, the real football, as Soccer nuts love to assert. Have you ever heard the “Soccer is rougher than football” line? Soccer snobs break that one out often, without the least bit of evidence.

Seriously, dude. Football is likely to be banned in our lifetime because it’s so freaking dangerous, didn’t you get the leftist memo? Nobody’s banning Soccer. Unfortunately.

I can hear the leftist, Soccer apologists now, “What about you, you weasel? You probably never even played Soccer, did you?” Well no, no I didn’t. I was always a baseball guy. Soccer to me still reminds me of that weird subculture in High School of uppity, wealthy, white kids who thought they were better than everyone else.

As if being able to dribble the damn ball on your knees and bounce it off of your own skull is a miraculous achievement or something. Hit a 95 mph fastball or a wicked breaking ball, do that and then I’ll be impressed.

Anyway, that group of snobs was the worst. Jerks, one and all. I had a girlfriend who played Soccer on the girls team, she wanted so bad to be a part of the Soccer clique, that I knew our relationship was doomed. Besides, Baseball players had plenty of choices out there as far as women went, so it didn’t bother me. In comparison, the Soccer jocks were pretty much dipping their buckets into the same pool of wannabe Soccer groupies. Over and over, if you get what I’m saying. I’m “friends” with some of them on Facebook, once a Soccer groupie always a Soccer groupie, I suppose.

Politics and dating habits of Soccer groupies aside, those in charge have made the whole thing way too complicated. For a game that’s so simple a two year old could understand it; you know, kick the ball into the net, don’t touch it with your hands, and run around like a mad person. Despite it’s simplicity, the World Cup gods have devised a system so labyrinthine that it would take a doctorate in physics to come anywhere close to understanding it.

In the NCAA Basketball tournament, in my opinion the greatest sporting event ever devised, you lose you go home. You have to keep winning to win the championship. Makes sense. No, not Soccer. I saw the Drudge headline, USA Goes On. I clicked expecting to see that the USA World Cup team had won. Turns out they actually lost, 1-0 to Germany. Okay. Color me surprised.

Only in Soccer is advancing in a tournament determined by obscure things like, how many chapters did Benito Mussolini’s great, great granddaughter (I don’t actually know if he has a great, great granddaughter, and I didn’t care to look it up) read last night about the mating habits of migrating birds in the Northern Hemisphere. If she read more than three chapters, the US team advances, if she read less than that it means they didn’t advance. That is unless Uruguay happens to lose to Easter Island by less than 2 goals while wearing Richard Nixon masks. And don’t even get me started about the way the referee’s have complete and total tyrannical control over the clock. It’s like, “Hey Phillippe, didn’t you notice that the allotted time has elapsed?” (That’s another thing, why does the clock mover forward instead of counting down?) “Yeah, I just thought I’d give one of these lousy teams another five minutes to score even though they’ve been unsuccessful for the last ninety.” Who do they think they are? Barack Obama?

(cross-posted at Rotten to the Core)