Boni 'R Us

Hello.  My name is Alfred G. Iles and I am Chair and CEO of Boni ‘R Us.  If you’re not familiar with the term “Boni,” it’s the plural form of “Bonus.”  We thought it was more accurate and ‘cool’ to use the formal plural word rather than the more cumbersom “Bonuses ‘R Us.”

We have a rather unique business strategy.  We process and provide executive and managerial bonuses (boni) to hundred of corporations and firms in the U.S.  Bonuses are our business.  Not only do we provide the logistics for our clients’ bonus programs, we employ a team who is compensated entirely by incentive bonuses.  The more clients we obtain and the more bonus dollars we process, the higher the bonus payout to our team members.

All was going well until about six months ago.  We had grown remarkably.  In fact, some might say we were the best kept secret in the business community.  We were processing the bonuses for most of the Fortune 500 companies, handling tens of billions of dollars in cash.

When the economy turned sour, our business hit a cash flow ‘wall.’  We were on the brink of bankruptcy.  However, through the influence of our corporate clients and their political ‘friends,’ we were able to secure more than $70 billion dollars in stimulus cash from the federal government to keep our doors open.

As a result, our clients were able to pay out their earned boni to senior and middle management for 2008.

Now the feds are upset and want their money back.  It seems they didn’t know the stimulus package they provided to us would be to pay our own employees and our clients their earned boni.  With a name such as “Boni ‘R Us,” you’d think they would have known what the money would be used for.

Of course, the money the feds gave us has already been spent, so we have nothing to give back.  Our fallback position is to acquire Ponzis ‘R Us, which will immediately inject needed cash for us to remain in business.

If that doesn’t work, I know a prince in Nigeria.

Thanks for your time.