The future is here, brought to you by the bailed-out engineers at USGMAC.
First, let’s not even call it a car. That’s been deemed racist, or sexist. Or both. This is activism with its training wheels off. A green-dream-machine given form. Except there won’t be any machinery to speak of. The only working cog will be the operator.
Marvel at the first car designed by Washington, for Washington. The Congressional sub-committee on sub-compacts, working alongside the Cabinet Sec. for Green Energy, announced the Obama will be available in limited markets on or around Fiscal Year 2019. Until then, you’re a pedestrian pal. (We could be into our 3rd Obama administration by then, if Michelle runs, so foot sores are the least of your worries.)
All citizens are required to apply for licensing through the IRS. The Obama’s availability is needs-based, meaning supplies are extremely limited. If you can’t get one, it’s probably your fault. Refile again next year.
It will not arrive completed. 18 skilled union workers will be required to visit your home. They’ll work in shifts, round the clock, until the job is done. Or they retire. Whatever comes first. Lodging for the skilled workers will be added to the cost. And it will cost you whether you own one or not.
It will run entirely on alternate power. You pushing is a source of power, right? Not like it’s heavy though, made of recycled Conservative literature (think Bible, Constitution, etc). The hybrid motor was designed by the greatest minds at the EPA, who managed to get it to work after lengthy cost overruns and design flaws were covered up. The solar cell will become active during the hours of night, and generate enough of a charge to shock you where you sit.
The entire car is a crumple zone. But it, like you, is 100% biodegradable, making cleanup a snap. Gotta keep those lanes open for the truckers from Mexico, right?
Driving the Obama will make you forget that, because of his policies, you now have nowhere left to go. But we’ll still be watching you anyway. Just in case.
Since driving is a privilege, not a right, you will be taxed; not by the mile, but by the foot. Think of a taxi, only the meter will turn much faster. Too bad the speedometer only goes to 10.
Be the envy of Hollywood, and a friend to the Planet, or both. Buy the Obama. It’s the only thing that can get you where you’re going. And it’s not like you have a choice in the matter. Do you, citizen?