Rest in Peace, Obama Prays Daily

Boy, do I feel better. Knowing that President Obama prays every day changes everything. He just has to be a Christian. Anyway, at least a dozen Catholics have already nominated him for sainthood.

What an eye-opener for American Independents, all 18% who thought Obama was a Muslim! Doesn’t it make your head spin? How dumb can they be to add 2 and 2 and expect to get 4?

Talk about jumping the gun. Those guys should be ashamed of themselves. They’re so dim, they might as well be Democrats and Republicans. 

Next thing we know, White House spokesmen will be describing Obama’s prayer rituals. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for more juicy details.

Any day now, Americans will be privy to how and when Obama prays. He might even pull a fast one and go to church on Martha’s Vineyard, proof positive he’s on his way to heaven, the one where all the woman are over 50.

What inquiring minds really want to know is does Obama kneel by his bed every night? Mornings? Any old time of day? Is his head bowed in solemn prayer? Does he bow from the waist down? Is his rear-end grounded? Is it ever air-borne, out of respect for his deceased father? His stepfather?  

Does Obama pray alone, or wait until 2 or 3 are gathered together in God’s name?

Speaking of, what does Obama call God? Does he keep it simple and call God “God”? Or does he dare to bump it up a notch, calling Him “My Lord and Savior”? Does he pray to Jesus, the Christ, JC, Joe Christmas?  Are any saints involved? If so, which ones? 

Does the president go in for incense? Holy Water?

After Labor Day, I have it on good authority that the Pope will start emailing Obama every week. We the People can read their Twitters.

Praise the Lord, I can hardly wait. I don’t know about you, but they’re on my agenda right after Housewives of New Jersey.

In October, Black Christians who have never been Muslims will be summoned for vespers with the First Family. That leaves Rev. Wright out in the cold again; but verily I say to you, it’s better than being run over by a bus. Sorry, Jeremiah, you had a good run.

On Thanksgiving, Obama will attend his first high mass at Camp David Chapel, hours before the dawning of his newly-designated Green Friday.

God only knows what the Obamas will do for Christmas. They could easily cause another traffic jam on Massachusetts Avenue and head to the Washington Cathedral.

In 2011, if Michelle can find enough USDEA-Approved eggs to hide, Franklin Graham and Family will be invited to the Easter Egg Roll.

Of course, on that occasion, it’s not spiritually correct to invite Muslims. As a consolation prize, Daisy and her Imam will be sent on an Alaskan cruise, paid for by the Palin Defense Fund. From the highest mountain they can find, the Muslim couple will speak to the world brotherhood, all of whose feelings have been devastated by yet another unreliable US President.

Meanwhile in the lower 48, polls show that 93.5 % of Americans believe that going to church makes one a Christian. A full 99.3% believe that each time we enter garages, we become cars. 

What a 2-fer. Christians for Clunkers, and they go both ways. If we drive into a ditch, it’s God’s fault. If we drive off a cliff, it’s ours.

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