The Koch Brothers Ate My Homework


In a stunning development, the Associated Press announced on April 1 that “President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul was on track to sign up more than seven million Americans for health insurance on deadline day Monday.”

You may recall that the Congressional Budget Office determined that seven million people would need to sign up for health insurance on the government run exchanges for Affordable Care Act to work. The fact that exactly as many enrolled as required  makes this achievement all the more impressive, especially when you consider that, as recently as March 30, the day before the deadline, most people doubted they could even come up with six million sign ups.

As remarkable as this accomplishment is, it gets even more astounding considering that Obamacare’s official fan site, er, website, healthcare.gov, was down for four hours on March 31. Since this constitutes fully one sixth of the day, signing up more than a million customers is damn near miraculous. Since even after billions of dollars of fixes and revisions the site still tends to crash when more than 100,000 people access it at the same time, one has to feel so proud of the more than one million people who patiently waited at the portal until number 100,000 left the site, so as not to overwhelm it.

For all those who claimed Obamacare was a train wreck, here is a profound rebuttal. It works. More than a million people signed up in one day. People all over America who did not have health care can now get health care. Fifty-year-old men who lived in fear of a sudden, unwanted pregnancy, can now face each day with confidence knowing their maternity costs will be covered. Gay men and women can get married without worrying where their contraception will come from.

It is a bright, shining day in America. It is, to borrow a phrase, Morning in America. And it is all the result of The Affordable Care Act. For all those who claimed it couldn’t be done, we can say with pride, go crawl back into your cave you racist haters.

In other news today, the AP reported that the CIA has identified the powerful “tractor beams” which lifted MH370 out of the earth’s atmosphere. President Obama, taking a break from filming an episode of “Girls” remarked that “while we don’t know these aliens’ intentions, we’re going to assume they are peaceful.” The president also called up the world’s media to refrain from using the term “alien” to describe the otherwordly creatures. “It’s such a hateful term,” he noted. “We prefer to call them unexpected visitors.”

Also, Secretary of State John Kerry announced a breakthrough in the latest round of peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians. Apparently Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu admitted that his country is a imperialist tool, that the perfidious Zionists stole Palestine from its rightful owners, and that Jews do in fact drink the blood of Christian children. In order to make things right Netanyahu announced that all Israelis would commit suicide at midnight tonight.

“This is a great achievement,” an exultant Kerry exclaimed. “We identified mass suicide as perhaps the major stumbling block standing in the way of a comprehensive peace agreement. Thanks to Prime Minister Netanyahu, we have indeed, achieved peace in our time.”

In a related story moderate President something-something Rahmani (get actual name from Wikipedia before posting–Ed) announced that Iran was ending the nuclear weapons program they never actually had. “If all the Jews are already dead, then building nukes is just a waste of  time and money,” Roumahni explained. A jubilant Obama gleefully welcomed Iran back into the family of enlightened nations.

Finally, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that he was giving Crimea “back to its rightful owners,” and withdrawing all troops from the Ukrainian border. “Watching the way President Obama consistently took the high road and refused to react to any of my provocations, I realized we really were living in the Nineteenth Century. I am so ashamed. So from here on, I’m surfing on the arc of history. Plus from now on, I keep my shirt on.”

It is so exciting to live in a world in which all problems, no matter how intractable they might seem to be, can be solved just by wishing them so. Thanks, President Obama, for making our world better and better in every possible way. Or, to put it another way, in Obama’s America, every day is April Fool’s Day.