In a hastily called press conference today, former CEO Jeff Bezos announced that Amazon.com would be merging with the U.S. government. “We really had no choice,” Bezos explained. “We needed to revamp our website, but we discovered all the top level programmers, the ‘A Team,’ you might say, were in Washington, improving healthcare.gov. Since our objective has always been to provide the sort of ‘private sector velocity and efficiency’ found in government run programs, it only made sense that we combine our vision with the expertise only government programmers can offer.”

Bezos went on to assure his customers that there would be no change to the Amazon shopping experience, “for the most part.” He did allow that there would be a few small “refinements to enhance your shopping experience. First, in order to maximize efficiency, we suggest that you limit ‘peak hour’ usage of the website. Really, there are incredible bargains at two a.m.,” he explained.

In addition, to prevent unexpected delays or shut downs, Bezos advised people to check their social security numbers. “If ‘the last four of your social’ end in an even number, you may visit Amazon.com on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. If an odd number, you can go to the site on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. The site will be closed on Sundays for maintenance.” When asked about those who don’t have social security numbers, Bezos said they are probably here illegally, living in the shadows. “If that’s the case, don’t worry. We’ll find you and deliver your books, DVD’s and hand towels free.”

Bezos admitted there were a few adjustments to make, especially in blending the corporate culture with that of the public trough, but they were outweighed by the benefits, namely the new federal mandate requiring every American to buy at least one book a month or pay a fine. “We’re particularly excited to learn that every man, woman and child in this country will be required to purchase a copy of ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting,’” Bezos concluded.