End the War in Germany!


Serious peace advocates are waking up this morning at open air day care centers throughout America. They crawl rumpled and scraggly-bearded from their tents to share a breakfast a breakfast of Lucky Charms and Ovaltine with opportunistic drug addicts.  But something is different today. In the wake of the American President’s recent announcement of unilateral surrender in “the War in Iraq,” many of these serious peace advocates are wondering, “If He can stop the war in Iraq, why can’t He stop the war in Germany?”

It may come as a surprise to many people to learn that the United States remains mired in a 67-year-long war with Germany, yet that is the only logical conclusion after hearing the manchild who occupies the White House blithely bleating that this long war has finally ended. If having troops in Iraq means we are at War with Iraq, then having troops in Germany must mean we are at war with Germany.

Anyone not making a career of slurping soup with slackers knows the war in Iraq has been over for years. In fact, it was in the fall of 2007, around the same time the current Secretary of State was calling  General David Petraeus a liar on the Senate floor, that the war in Iraq effectively ended. Since that time, more American soldiers have died in stateside traffic accidents than have died in Iraq. In fact, nearly as many American soldiers have been killed by Islamic terrorists on their stateside bases as have died in Iraq.

Despite this, and despite the vast benefits both to our national interests and to regional stability which accrue from continuing to base US troops in Iraq, the hapless community organizer currently occupying the White House chooses to view Iraq as in a state of war. This is the same person who gave a speech opposing the liberation of Iraq back in 2002, during which he said we must not “allow those who would march off and pay the ultimate sacrifice, who would prove the full measure of devotion with their blood, to make such an awful sacrifice in vain.” Well, guess what, Barry? That’s exactly what you’ve done by abandoning our bases in Iraq.

The Wannabe Weatherman currently occupying the White House must deeply regret being too young to participate in the anti-Vietnam War movement, but hopes to at least replicate one achievement from that era. After the US abandoned Vietnam, the Soviet Union moved in and occupied huge, state-of-the-art airfields and naval bases. Soon, until the steady, steely-eyed guidance of the visionary currently occupying the White House, Iran will do the same in Iraq.

But the important thing is the American President has ended the War in Iraq. Surely, then, it is time to end the war in Germany. Or what about the War in North Korea, or the soon to be launched War in Kuwait? Oh, you hadn’t heard about that? Well, according to the New York Times, the US is planning to base “new combat forces in Kuwait able to respond to a collapse of security in Iraq or a military confrontation with Iran.”

Whoa! We’re basing troops in Kuwait? Must mean we’re at war with Kuwait! Wonder what that’s going to cost  us. Let us only hope that those brave men and women won’t suffer heat prostration for nothing. Who will lead the first chant to End the war–end the war–In Kuwait–in Kuwait? Justin? Caitlyn? Jessica? Kyle? What’s that? Maybe after General Assembly? Good. You kids keep working on your demands. We’ll wait to hear from you.