Report: Global Threat-Level Changes Worldwide

Recent events have forced a change in security levels across the civilized world. Here are the latest threat levels:

The U.K. is feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and has therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance“. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards”. They have no other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

France announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased its alert level from “Shout Loudly and Gesture Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.

Germany has increased its alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.

As usual, Belgium is on holiday; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Spain is all excited to see their new submarines launched. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Canada has no alert levels.

Meanwhile (and as usual) the USA is carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of its allies “just in case.”

New Zealand has raised its levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend,” and “The barbie is cancelled” No situation in modern times has ever warranted use of the final Aussie threat escalation level.

We here at MinnCon Central hope that this answers all your questions about where the world stands today regarding the terrorist threat.