Diary

What If God Had Changed The Democrat Debate?

Here is a sample of what God would have made the debaters say last night, as a window into their souls, or the Id, whichever was ‘topping’ last night, if He were pulling their strings. Being omnipotent He could have done it, but His schedule being as tight as it is, He just left it to me to communicate a transcript of His thoughts to you…FULL DISCLOSURE…The following is not to be used to disparage, abuse, or discomfit Democrat supporters in any way. It’s just another Divine Revelation, and, to prove His non-partisan attitude in these matters the Heavenly Office will soon be issuing a press release stating that Jeb Bush was swapped at birth in the maternity hospital with the baby in the next crib, the scion of the most phlegmatic mortician from the grayest, most non-descript small town in mid-West America. The crab apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all. Now let your mind drift back to last night…

Anderson Cooper (AC-DC): Welcome everybody to the CNN Democratic Debate. We have five candidates on the stage tonight, but missing prominently from tonight’s debate is Vice-President Joe Biden who is at this moment communicating with his dead son, with the help of a spiritualist medium, to help him make the most important decision in his life…what firmness setting to program into the new Biden king-sized Sleepmatic mattress…and after sleeping on it to finally shit or get off the can. And so, without further ado I will let the five candidates introduce themselves. Lincoln Chafee, you go first…

Jim Webb (JW): Er, excuse me Anderson, but I’m an ex-Marine officer and I have taken an oath to take the lead in everything in life so I think I should go first.

Hillary Clinton (HC): Shut up you dumb jarhead! You’re acting like another typical ‘man.’ Uggh! How I HATE men! Wait till I get into the Oval Office, I’ll have a ‘man-free’ zone declared on the White House grounds where only fems and diesel dyke lesbians will be allowed to gambol and perform abortions…take that Ann Coulter!

Bernie Sanders (BS): Well, look Anderson, right away I think we’re seeing the bad effects of the ‘Plutocracy’ at work in American politics. For too long the billionaire class has been carrying out the orders of the Overlords of Pluto, subverting the democratic process, and here is the result…bickering already about who gets to go first. In a Sanders administration the top 1% will have to wait in line at the Porta-Potty like everyone else…

Martin O’Malley (MO) (whispering to Chafee): He’s gone potty in the head…(aloud) Anderson, can you have the old geezer wheeled to a nursing home or something, there’s no room in presidential politics for someone wearing Depends adult diapers.

BS: Why you…you…rapscallion! I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich if you don’t watch yourself. You’re gonna feel the ‘Bern!’

Lincoln Chafee (LC): I just want to address America. America, don’t you think it’s time to have another President named…Lincoln? I’m the most naturally suited to sleep in the…Lincoln Bedroom after all. And in my Presidential Motorcade there will be only…Lincolns!

JW: Ta-daa Chafee! How long did it take you to think of that? Like when you first noticed on a ruler that the other side is metric and you had a brainstorm, right?

LC: I’m a rock of granite America.

HC: Yeah, he’s got rocks in his head alright. I’m the only one here who can both bake cookies and bomb Syria…my Fallopian Tube launched missile system will make a little fat boy like Kim Jong Un of North Korea pee his short pants.

AC-DC: As the moderator of this debate, and a prominent celebrity homosexual, I reserve the right to comment on any ‘peeing’ references, and tea-bagging too. Do any of the debaters like camomile tea?

HC: Anyway, why is your hair so white Cooper? You look like a Q-Tip with a load of cum on the top. It’s not like you’re a centenarian like Bernie…

BS: Watch it Hillary…

JW: Incoming! Everybody duck! (he lunges under Sanders’ podium)

MO: He’s having a Vietnam flashback. Is there a PTSD counsellor in the audience? This is a Democratic debate…uhh, well, maybe a talk therapist?

BS: Anderson, the corporations foist on us these imperialistic wars that have traumatized so many of our finest young men and women…

HC: I’m traumatized just listening to a cantankerous old fart like you Bernie.

BS: You’re no spring chicklet yourself honey, let me tell you…Take a look in the mirror, you could be a stand-in for Bette Davis in ‘Whatever Happened To Baby Jane.’

(Webb suddenly bolts upright knocking over all 5 podia like a row of dominoes as he screams about the Ia Drang valley…

…and Anderson Cooper’s face fills the camera frame as all bedlam is breaking out behind him)…

AC-DC: Well there you have it folks, the conclusion to the first Democratic Presidential Debate…Please join us again in the future when the topic for discussion will be Lincoln Chafee’s next plan for making Esperanto the official language of the U.S.,…So goodnight for now (turning away from the camera he doesn’t know it’s a hot mike)…I don’t really look like a Q-Tip…do I?