Diary

The Secret Transcript Of Obama's UN Meeting With Putin

When Presidents Obama and Putin talked privately at their tense UN meeting a couple of weeks ago Yours Truly had a microphoned robo-roach scurrying underfoot, able to pick up, record, and transmit their otherwise very private frank and blunt exchange of views.  I now publish the record of that conversation that no other human being or agency, earth-bound or extra-terrestrial, including Jack Black, has been privy to…until now. Note To Readers: Due to the Universal Translator the roach was equipped with you will be able to read President Putin’s statements translated immediately into heavily Russian-accented English…all burps, belches and twitters have been deleted… for really no reason at all…

President Obama (BHO): Hello Vladimir. First, I want to thank you for that vintage Soviet Hammer and Sickle flag you sent me for my birthday. Michelle thinks it won’t clash at all with the Black Panther banner we intend to set up in my study after I leave the White House.

President Vladimir Putin (VP): No problem Barack…oh, and thank you for those realistic lawn jockeys and Florida pink flamingos you sent me. You know how much I love collecting American kitsch…although there isn’t that much green in Rah-shah I think the contrast of the black jockeys with the white ice of the rink, where I will keep them, will wow the guys at the curling club. And my wife thanks Michelle for the false eyelashes…she looks more like Comrade Brezhnev everyday thanks to that little touch.

BHO: Now Vlad, about this Syria thing, I am facing a shit storm of bitching at home from the cave people about how America is looking weak in the world, and…

VP (stamping down his foot): I thought I just saw a bug…sorry, but the accommodations here are beginning to resemble more and more the Bulgarian consulate where I had to spend the most boh-ring (rolling his eyes) evening one time…

BHO: Vlad, will you pleaz listen for once…I can’t tackle global warming if I have to focus on this macho stuff your people will be pulling…

VP (rolling his eyes again): You’re sounding like that what’s-her-name in ‘Desperate Housewives of Moscow’, the one who’s always complaining about the skateboarders in Gorki Park, and how the fake caviar at the deli is 3 months old…you know, you should try tai chi (VP springs to his feet coiling and uncoiling some funky martial arts moves…and promptly knocks over a UN bidet)…oops, better yet, just burn some sage in a brazier…chill out.

BHO: Right…you don’t have [mc_name name=’Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)’ chamber=’senate’ mcid=’M000303′ ] and his sidekick, that Lyndsey Graham, like twin screeching monkeys on my back, calling me a wimp and a sissy…I swear Graham and McCain must take baths together, I saw that on Bill Maher, America’s most reliable news source after the National Enquirer…I’m going to have to throw some red meat to the knuckle-draggers soon. You could at least show some sympathy you know.

VP: At least you don’t have Bashar Assad whining to you all the time, calling me on my cell night and day…”Oh Vladimir can you send me some more barrels?”…barrels!…WTF…I’m thinking he’s gone into the herring pickling business. He’s like a needy retarded brother-in-law living in a Middle Eastern trailer park whose furniture just caught fire from cooking meth…and I’m supposed to bail him out. You know I had him over once and, let me tell you, that puppy won’t ever need to build a ‘dirty bomb’…we had cabbage that time and, pee-yoo!! (VP holding his nose and fanning the air with one hand), you could have cut the air with a Cossack sabre, it was that bad. He’s also so dumb, by the way, that, when he had all those bodies of the people to bury in mass graves, in the pits, you know, well, you’re supposed to use LIME to slather the stiffs like Don Lemon on a Cuban beach with young boys greased with edible lube…so, the dumb fuck asks me, on the phone, can he use three-day old ‘Key Lime Pie’ from the Damascus bakery instead cuz the price of FRESH limes at the bazaar was killing his ‘killing budget’…HUH?…HELLO!…Earth to Bashar…(arms out to the sides in a gesture of exasperation). There should be a ‘Remedial Class for Dictators’…hmm, could be a second line for me when I retire (winks at Obama)…just to keep my hand in. And I can’t just dump the bonehead because of all the sunk costs the Rah-shun tax payers have put into that jerk. And the Kremlin book-keeping leaves a lot to be desired, let me tell you, it’s not like I can afford the accounting whizkids that that ISIS’s got, have you seen their quarterly reports online?…real boss.

BHO (tapping his foot impatiently): Yeah, look, that’s also what I wanted to talk to you about, ISIL…

VP (pantomiming tearing the hair out of his head): ISIL, ISIL, ISIL…everybody else calls it ISIS…it’s ISIS!… goddammit, can’t you people A-GREEH on just one name once and for all for the bad guys?! It’s damn confusing, like the fake roadmaps the Commie governments in Rah-shah used to print to CONFUSE actually everybody, forget the Amerikanski Strategic Air Command, you know, I bought one of those trick maps and drove to Siberia on a roadtrip once instead of Crimea…

BHO: And that’s the other thing, Crimea…

VP: Aaghh! You promised last time NOT to mention Crimea if I didn’t mention Ferguson…and the crappy Disney Vacations rip-off bait-and-switch advertising that Rah-ssian tourists got sucked into, I’m still getting a shitload of hatemail at the Kremlin for helping the Russian-American Business Council promote that one!

BHO: We’re still going to have to do something about the terrorists.

VP (inserting his I-Pod earbuds): Tourists? Are we still talking about the tourists?

BHO: That’s not funny Vladimir. I’m going to close my eyes now and pretend that at heart you can feel ‘the magnificent ARC of history’ too, sweeping us up onto HER bosom, thrusting us toward the inevitable Historical singularity…

VP (humming a Psychedelic Furs tune, then snapping to attention): What you want to go and talk about hooters for, at my height sometimes the top of my head bumps a woman’s rack…it is SO embarrassing, so if Miss History is stacked I think you’re going to have to pull that train alone. And the only thrusting I’ll be doing is with Mrs. P.,…if you catch my drift. And if you want to talk about terrorists… (turning up the volume on the Furs)…what about this crap pop-culture you’ve smothered the world with…hmm, not bad lyrics though.

BHO: I see we’re going to get a lot accomplished this afternoon.

VP: Don’t get sarcastic. When you’re sarcastic your ears stick out more, makes you look like Mickey Mouse…a mixed Mickey Mouse ha ha…sorry (looking sheepish), I must still be thinking about that Disney Vacations rip-off…

BHO: Well, what are we going to tell the global media?

VP: I don’t know…(beep!…beep!)(VP answers his cell)…Damn…what?…they’ve been using insider info?…taking bribes?…corruption…scandal…Frig, there goes another shitload of foreign reserves…

BHO: What is it?…The Duma?…my Congress?…the Russian FIFA? Oh no, where’s Josh Earnest when I need him!

VP (doing a [mc_name name=’Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)’ chamber=’senate’ mcid=’G000359′ ], throwing down the cell phone smashing on the floor): Wauggh!

BHO (fishing in his pocket): Here, I’ve got a Nicorette, this will calm your nerves.

VP: It’s my fantasy football account…I’ve lost the dacha mad money, my wife will kill me!…You!…You!…Your corrupt capitalistski con games…Auggh! Auggh!

BHO (backing away, arms out): Now calm down Vladimir…stop taking your shirt off, I know your biceps are bigger than mine!

VP: Aa-aa-auggh!!!!!

BHO (taking out a Snickers and throwing it to the advancing Putin): Here, eat this, you know you’re not yourself when you’re hungry!

(5 minutes pass…)

BHO (lifting a gurgling Putin under his arms): Come on, let’s freshen you up, we have to go out and…Meet The Press…here, let me straighten your tie…then we’ll go to the Red Rooster, have some drinks, some laughs…(taking out a handkerchief to mop his forehead, talking to himself)…no wonder Hillary wanted to keep those emails confidential…if the world only knew what we all really talk about…sheesh!