Diary

Dangerous Satire: The Bidens at the Naval Observatory

Joe and Jill Biden dropped in on Dick and Lynn Cheney today at the U.S. Naval Observatory on Thursday. I could argue that the following transcript accurately reflects what was said, and it just might in a parallel universe, but, alas, this is satire.

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DOORMAN: Mr. Vice President, Mrs. Cheney, the Bidens are here for the tour of the Naval Observatory.

LYNN CHENEY: Show them in, jeeves.

JOE BIDEN: Pardon me, but Jilly and I have taken the liberty of letting ourselves in.

JILL BIDEN: I don’t much like these drapes.

JOE BIDEN: I’m a working class guy, Jill. We’ll buy new ones at Scranton Draperies & Curtains, where I was born, in Scranton, PeeAy.

JILL BIDEN: Don’t much care for Scranton, PeeAy.

JOE BIDEN: The people of Scranton, bless their little hearts, are all morons. Like the vice president, most dangerous people in the history of American history.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: The campaign’s over, Joe.

JOE BIDEN: Oh, I meant what I said, alright. You’re a dangerous man, Dick Cheney. I’m carrying Red Peas and a Crucifix. I’m Roman Catholic, you know, just like the Pope, bless his heart, who doesn’t know historical church doctrine on dangerous men, bless his heart.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You’re here to see the living quarters. Lynn and I…

JOE BIDEN: I guarantee you, Barack Obama ain’t taking my Dunkin Donuts, so don’t buy that malarkey. They’re going to start peddling that to you. If he tries to fool with my Krispy Kreme, he’s got a problem. I like that little coffee and donut holes, you know? I’m not bad with it. So give me a break. Give me a break. I buy ’em from Indians.

VP CHENEY: Which tribe?

JOE BIDEN: Which Tribe? Bless your heart.

VP CHENEY: Do you want to see the living…

JOE BIDEN: Living room? I don’t much care for those new-fangled high definition TVs. You know, when President Roosevelt, bless his heart, got on the tube and talked about things other than the princes of greed after the market crash of ’29…

JILL BIDEN: Joseph, Hoover was President when the market crashed in 1929 and there were no televisions.

JOE BIDEN: Do you want to take an IQ test? We’ll sit down and take an IQ test and compare the results, because I think I have an IQ higher than anyone in this room.

JILL BIDEN: I’ve a PhD in education.

JOE BIDEN: Why is it that Joe Biden is the first in his family ever to go a university? Why is it that my wife is the first in her family to ever go to college? Is it because our fathers and mothers were not bright?

NEIL KINNOCK: Where have I heard that before?

JOE BIDEN: Bless Neil Kinnock’s heart.

DICK CHENEY: I want to know if he thinks he’s smarter than Obama.

JOE BIDEN: I guarantee you, Barack Obama ain’t taking no IQ test. Bless his heart.

LYNN CHENEY: I think we should take a look at the living…

JOE BIDEN: You are an awful person, bless your heart, Dick Cheney.

VP CHENEY: Look, you’ve been standing in our entry way for ten minutes. Do you want to see the living quarters or not?

JOE BIDEN: Don’t need to, Mr. Evil. Jill and I are going to divide the house into three autonomous parts overseen by three independent, warring staffs.

VP CHENEY: Fine. Whatever floats your boat.

JOE BIDEN: I like sailing. Sort of. But not wind surfing. You know, Delaware was a slave State.

LYNN CHENEY: That’s not an appropriate…

VP CHENEY: Sometimes I just want to let him talk, dear.

JOE BIDEN: But I’m not dangerous. Honest. Bless your heart.