Please Put My Dog on the Ballot

It is axiomatic to say that candidates will be “vetted” in a primary. But someone will have to explain to me how using demagoguery, half-truths employed to disguise ones own tom-foolery and adaptation of our Democrat opponents other methods (which revolve around using blatant mendacity), help that process? That’s not vetting. It is self-destruction.

Let’s face it; Bachmann has no accomplishments to suggest she has the shoes to be President. She tries way too hard to quote history (and usually gets it wrong). It reminds me of a middle-schooler who just discovered 18th century history. It looks foolish, amateurish and condescending. It is as if the Tea Party is easily convinced by mere mention of Jefferson or the constitution. Yeah. Right. Keep that up. Maybe you will break 8% and get 8.2% or something.

Santorum appears to be an unhinged single-issue social conservative who couldn’t even get reelected in Pennsylvania. He has neither the character nor temperament to be President. But he HAS been to the border! Seen it, got the t-shirt and everything! Why he is running nobody knows. Maybe it was a beer pong bet?

Ron Paul is a kook whose followers religiously freep every poll known to man- making them worthless. They cheerlead at every event and debate to provide the appearance of rampant popularity. They cheer others positions when they align with Dr. Kooky Pants. I keep waiting for his head to pop off and one of those little aliens from “Men in Black” to jump out.

Johnson? Who the hell is that dude anyway. He deserves a spot because- what, he smoked a bone with Bob Marley once or something?

Huntsman. Oh boy, Huntsman; where do you start with someone who actually worked for Obama? Oh yeah, Ambassador to China- there’s a “cred”. If he quotes or mentions Reagan one more time the gipper is going to rise up and smack him in the head. NEWSFLASH; you are not Reagan. Somebody please tell him. By the way,  nobody cares your wife is from Florida. Could you be any more patronizing?  And Herman Munster called. He wants his suit jacket back. Ditto the Four Seasons- they know you took the towels. Sleaze.

Newt Gingrich. The guy puts out good proposals faster than the rate at which a fly drools. Too bad  “right wing social engineering” wasn’t one of them. Yeah, that comment represented grace under pressure. But you can’t help liking the guy. He is articulate and cute like a cherub. I don’t know whether to pinch his cheek or ask him what Robert Morris wore to the Constitutional convention- because I won’t be asking him for marriage advice. The same way he shouldn’t be asking me for my vote. Newt is solid on the issues, articulate and knowledgable. But when he screws-up, it is usually like the Titanic, beyond repair.

Perry? I keep waiting for the guy that helped build Texas into the great job machine, low tax, bastion of freedom it unquestionably is. Anybody seen him? Because it sure doesn’t seem like he showed up at any of the a debates. Perry has been more tongue-tied than Porky Pig and less articulate than Ron Paul.  Yes, that’s an insult. This is the great savior? Hardly. Oh yeah, it’s “no fair”- right? Wait till Obama starts spending his billion dollars in campaign stash he received from global “admirers” (wink, wink). What will he do then, cry foul? Ask the referees for a replay? Please, man-up and get your head out of your behind. Borrow Trigger from the Roy Rodgers museum and get a white hat dammit. Otherwise you will end up like the Sundance Kid. Whatever did happen to him anyway?

Romney, ah yes, Romney. The guy who was governor of one of this nations bluest states. Home of the Kennedy’s. The guy who couldn’t get reelected and now cites his lack of experience as a positive. Well, at least when he compares himself to Rick Perry anyway. The guy whose socialization of heath care was cited as the model for Obamacare in “Confidence Men”.  The guy who has more positions than Jenna Jameson. Flipper? That’s an insult to the entire cetacean order.  More like Skywarp. Only faster.

And to answer your burning question; yes, anybody is better than Obama. But I just asked my dog and she is not running. However, maybe with some extra treats I can turn that around. Anybody familiar with canis lupis election law?