Diary

Eliot Spitzer Seeks Redemption; Buys a Brothel

In an attempt move to restore some semblance of his public life, Eliot Spitzer has decided to pursue a future in real estate. However, the initial target of his new endeavor contains irony only previously equaled by Lieutenant Noonan eating the murder weapon in Alfred Hitchcock’s “Lamb to the Slaughter”. Mr. Spitzer’s first acquisition will be- a functioning brothel. Asked directly about the curious nature of his purchase, Mr. Spitzer provided the following insight;

 “Well, it really will now become my first love, something I can wrap my arms around. Aw cripes, strike that part- can we consider it off the record? Let’s start again- it just came naturally to me, like a primal passionate urge. Oh Geez- one more time guys, this is friggin going nowhere good. Can I just say real estate is an obvious choice these days for anyone looking to pursue government subsidized business opportunities? Plus the underlying business paradigm is something I am completely familiar with and ultimately benefits the public good.”

 Mr. Spitzer made the announcement surrounded by family, friends, acquaintances, prostitutes, government officials and parolees from his former exploits. The overall atmosphere seemed clearly arranged to ease Mr. Spitzer’s guilt about his previous pursuits, and as the press conference continued his level of apprehension decreased. However, when Spitzer spoke again it was clear there was a secondary purpose;

 “The entire American attitude about prostitution is purely prudish stigmatism. I mean, if you didn’t know who these people were who could tell the government officials from call girls or parolees? They are all just ordinary, everyday folks out there day after day humping their butts off and trying to serve the public. The fact we want to categorize everybody is frankly divisive and exclusive. It smacks of an arrogant, un-American approach typified by the former Bush administration and schlepped by Republican water carriers like Rush Limbaugh.”

 Asked by a Fox News representative what Bush or Limbaugh had to do with prostitution, Mr. Spitzer demurred and dissembled.

 “Err, well, everybody knows that Bush lied about the whole weapons of mass destruction thing and Limbaugh is a shill for the conservative prudes. I mean crimeny, where have you been for the last eight years- hiding out at the RNC Headquarters? Oh, and Michael Steeele? How’s that working out for you guys? Sure, pick on the Democrat who is down on his luck to distract from your own misery. Honestly, it just lends credence to the fact Republicans are mean spirited social malcontents. Oh and Foxnewwss? Independent journalism has surely died with the loss of The Rocky Mountain News and Baltimore Examiner.”

The irony was further compounded by Mr. Spitzer’s purchase being located only two blocks from the Mayflower Hotel, site of his career ending trysts with a call girl. However, when asked about the proximity Mr. Spitzer said he had “no apprehensions about the location”. But “retrospectively felt it may have been  motivated by a deep seated psychological need for redemption”. Pressed further on how he defined redemption, Mr. Spitzer offered the following;

“Geez, I don’t know. Lately, I have been caught up in the whole “change” theme started by Mr. Obama. What I have learned from him is that “change” is so ethereal it can mean anything. It’s like any other marketing campaign- “we can do it, you can help” or more apropos in this case, “have it your way”. So I decided, why not start with prostitution and real estate? Two issues so far apart, yet so closely related. Cripes, on either one you seem to get screwed” he said, chortling at the analogy- “that last comment is off the record, of course.”

 Asked about any future ventures, Mr. Spitzer hesitated for a moment. He then stated- “digital converter boxes. I hear there is a big provision in the stimulus bill for that and it will stay with our investment theme of removing all the artificial social barriers. We start with the boxes and then move towards free 24 hour smut. Geez, I AM the man- Eliot is baaack.”