Breaking News: Another Palin Scandal. Two words, it’s over.

Given the lightweight, topical nature of American journalists, I decided to conduct some private research on Sarah Palin. I was concerned and frankly prompted to action by Kathleen Parker and David Brooks recent opines. Their credible, steady support of conservative causes and position as standard bearers are well documented. Yet, Ms. Parker and Mr. Brooks criticisms of Governor Palin have made them subject of considerable ire from Republicans across the political spectrum. I dare say the results of my investigation now find them due a very contrite apology.

Comprehensively, my curiosity further immersed me in deep cogitative thought about the qualifications of Sarah Palin for Vice President. It is a thought that escapes us often in the partisan allure of our political endeavors. How could we support and elect such a person without first personally vetting her qualifications? Surely, such a person, a politician, could not be pure as the Alaskan snow. Evil lurks in the hearts of all men; but a woman? The possibility must never have occurred to Frank Readick Jr. Yet, I was on to something. It was a dangerous yet necessary journey driven by a personal desire for righteousness and protection of my fellow citizens. Nonetheless, I trudged on like a forlorn researcher on quest for some new discovery. Honesty and intellectual observation were my only constant companions on this pilgrimage towards what would become a philosophical epiphany.

It was a lonely journey which took me to the often desolate, cold and barren stretches of Alaska. However, I kept myself warm from the burning fires of self righteousness and nourished by personal philosophical paramountcy. “It certainly was worth the cost”; I kept repeating that phrase in my head until it became an instinctual mantra. Together these thoughts, these well founded beliefs formed the predicate and basis for my investigation. It was an abyss which would later leave me vexed and confused. Had I embarked down the dutiful path- exposing the grotesque, palpable flaws of our candidate? This thought only provided momentary intellectual pause.

My first encounter was with in the Umnak Islands, one of many in Alaska’s remote Aleutian chain. Certainly, if I started this far away from Fairbanks the locals would be much more willing and gullible. They were, after all, small town people with little knowledge, concern or let’s be frank, political acuity. I was not to be disappointed and at once came across a researcher who spent most of her time on the island. When told of my quest, to get the real story on their governor, she just stared straight ahead. It was almost as if she did not hear my questions. I paused momentarily, thinking perhaps I should ask the question again, but then she spoke. They were words which haunt me to this day; and I quote;

“It was one of my favorite spots…Alaska, It turned from this heaven on Earth with beautiful tundra flowers and a waterfall to this black, devastated gates-of-hell kind of place.”

I sat in stunned silences, yet my curiosity and mantra- there it was again, “It certainly was worth the cost”, playing over and over again in my head finally forced me to ask the next question. “What did she do”? I asked, not quite sure my soul was ready for the answer. The response did not disappoint my curiosity, but stung my integrity;

It’s exciting, and at the same time it’s surprisingly difficult” she said of the occurrence on Umnak. I waited with bated breath as the next words painfully drifted passed her lips ““I’ve been on that island so much, and had my favorite places on there, but now it’s totally different.”

I could not ask any additional questions as she became increasingly upset. It was an interview that continued over several sessions to ease the pain and guilt of this ruinous event. But I did get more information and was pointed to an article which was the basis for such a sad, what in Latin is called parodia. I encourage you to read this for yourself since I now leave it up to you, fellow citizens, and a much more capable media to finish the investigation. However, I will point out there are two final rumors which provide the bulk of evidence the Palin’s had something to do with this catastrophe. First, it is said that Governor Palin and her husband made an unplanned flight in their Piper Cub near the island, and that Todd has often been seen fishing in the area. While I leave it to your own good judgment to really determine who his responsible for this terrible event, just remember that the Governor and her family also pray to God. I am sure you can connect the dots.

As is this case with most Aristolean stories, there is a lesson in all this. Most of us thought liberals did not want to see a minivan pull up at the White House for soccer practice, smell odiferous diapers wafting through the West Wing, hear clatter from a helicopter taking a real working man to the North Slope or have their hidden misogynistic fears realized (Hillary for President, yeah, sure. You guys are soo clever). However now we find the media’s unceasing personal attacks on Governor Palin were cover for their real October surprise. A true tragedy in the making.

I am therefore so ashamed, having fallen for her small town charm, integrity, extemporaneous speech, compassion, competent, anti big government smokescreen. I count myself now amongst the unwashed masses, a castaway rebuked by his own poor judgment. I hear the laughter of those on faraway blogs- fool! They cry. I am so ashamed. I am so ashamed. Let that be our lesson.

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