The Obligatory 'Political Advice to Losers' Column

I’m quite embarrassed and dismayed at the right side of the aisle and at conservative commentators.  They have rudely neglected to give the left and the Democratic Party tips on how to win the next election.  The Democratic and collectivist press and commentators were so generous and helpful with their advice following 2008, we really should return the favor.  After all, if we’d only followed their advice, we would have won so much more than we did, right?

Following the historic 2008 election when we elected our very first Socialist as president, the professional Left was telling us just what we needed to do to get back into power.  They told us to join them in centralizing the command and control of our country and society in Washington.  If only we became collectivists too, we’d be provided for.  We’d get rations at least two times a day.  We’d have extra time out in the exercise yard.  If we just sat down and shut up, we’d even get an invite up to the Big House once and a while.  They wouldn’t let us in, but we could just gaze up at the majesty of it.  All we needed to do were a few small things and the Left would be gracious.

First, we just needed to get rid of Rush.  Just ignore him.  He’s nothing but trouble.  Hannity?  He needs to be frog marched out to the gulag.  That man’s nothing but heartache. Put a gag order on Fox News.  Shut those internet sites down.  Follow us.  We’ll show you the way.  Give up your freedom and your money.  You don’t need it now.  We’ll take care of you.  We swear.  Just buckle and throw away your perverted philosophy of liberty and limited government.  The era of limited government is over.

But, we didn’t listen.  With bitterness and greed, we stood up to them and said no.  Look what it got us.  We didn’t win the Senate because we just wouldn’t listen to them.  

Well, we did win everything else so perhaps we can give them a few pointers.  These are real, genuine tips I hope the Democrats follow because they did so much right and so little wrong.  Just a few tweaks here and there and they should have a winning year in 2012.

It’s just about the message, the optics, and the atmopherics.  That’s all.  Really.  Trust me.

The Message

President Obama recently said that they didn’t sell Obamacare like they should have.  You see, the people are just too darn stupid to understand something as sophisticated and intricate a healthcare deform.  Sen. John Kerry said it most succinctly, “We have an electorate that doesn’t always pay that much attention to what’s going on so people are influenced by a simple slogan rather than the facts or the truth or what’s happening,” Kerry told reporters after touring the Boston Medical Center yesterday.”  Boston Herald, September 25, 2010 Hillary Chabot.

You are right.  You didn’t tell the American people how dumb they are quite enough.  You must stand on every street corner and tell all the voters how completely clueless they really are.  You must talk down to the people because they are very, very dense.  Break it into small sentences and use small words in the most condescending tones possible.  I mean really, these voters are completely daft.  Bill Clinton had it right.  When people are scared, they just don’t think.  I really think you’re onto a winning message if you just point out all the flaws in people’s beliefs and tell them they are idiots.  Sounds like a path to victory to me.

The Optics

I don’t think President Obama was on enough talk shows and comedy central channels.  Our leader needs to make sure he debases his office and caters to the lowest common denominator.  Obama should get into a debate with Snookie on Jersey Shore on why taxing tanning salons is a great policy initiative.  Your leaders are the face of your movement.  Make sure you keep Harry Reid as Senate leader.  He’s quite the looker as well as a moral example of how pure and complete your corruption really is.  Not every political leader can amass as big a fortune on the public dime as Harry Reid.  He definitely wins the hearts of the ladies and the moderates.

Pelosi should definitely continue as leader of the House Democrats.  She is clearly a politial asset to all Democratic officeholders.  Let her keep the plane.  That way she can get Botox in the morning and jet off to a campaign event in Texas in the evening.  Pelosi is one of the most recognizable faces in politics today and she’s spent a lot of money on it.  Let her show it off in Iowa and Michigan.  You really have to keep her out there as a comparison to Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann.  Pelosi makes the young GOP studs go crazy.


I think President Obama and Michelle Antoinette have been working hard on the placement of the president in world affairs.  They are collectively keeping chic shops and restaurants viable in this economy.  The president taking an expensive, pointless trip to India is a good start.  Perhaps they can be photographed in throngs of people in business suits sucking on the hind teat of government.  Maybe you can get the president milling amongst young communists and anarchists at comedy rallies thrown by Comedy Central greats.  We need to see more gala balls and lavious parties that have prominent ambulance chasers, union thugs, bureaucrats, and fat cat Wall Street bailout conferees.  There just hasn’t been enough spectacular events at this White House. 

Maybe we need more Little Red Books of Mao handing on the Christmas, er Holiday Tree.  Besides, Obama hasn’t bowed to a foreign leader in a while.  Maybe he could have another expensive and expansive apology tour to Venezuela and Cuba.  He could  participate in the French riots against moving the retirement age from 60 to 62 years of age.  That is just outlandish.  How do people expect their government employees to endure two whole years of ridiculous benefits, high pay, and extended holidays?  It’s quite absurd and Obama should demonstrate to his base, the government class, that he won’t stand for having to work so long into dotage. 

It’s quite simple.  Keep the message loud and clear.  The voters are morons.  Keep the optics positive.  The president is selling soap and bikini bottoms, not policy.  Let the atmospherics do their own work.  Show the Democrats in their true, far Left, wacky glory.  This will definitely lead to a winning combination come November, 2012. 

Just trust me.