Dear Crabby; The Backsliding Democrats

Dear Crabby,

I am a little concerned and somewhat surprised that Senator John Kerry, our nominee for president in 2004 and dedicated liberal, has docked his boat in a Rhode Island slip instead of in his native Massachusetts.  This seems to be a little troubling especially given those horrible Republicans are saying he’s a tax dodging hypocrite.  What do I say to them?

Sadie Sadsack, 49 of Midland TX

Dear Sadie,

I cannot believe you are listening to the vile lies being perpetrated by Fox News.  Poor John Kerry is so misunderstood.  Ever since all those Swift boats voted against him, he hasn’t been the same, but don’t worry.  He’s on our side.  You see, Senator Kerry is just helping out the boat docking industry in Rhode Island.  That poor state has such a terrible economy and unemployment is so high.  He’s just trying to give them a little revenue.  He certainly wouldn’t attempt to avoid any Massachusetts taxes since he’s so patriotic.  Remember, Uncle Joe told us that to be patriotic, we must pay our taxes.  Senator Kerry is certainly patriotic.  I mean, he threw away his medals so they could be melted down and used for the war effort, remember?  Sounds to me like you’ve been listening to Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh or something.  Thinking that a nice old liberal warrior like that could be running from his tax bill.  That’s insane.  Anyway, you tell those mean, greedy Republican friends of yours that making such an accusation is just plain wrong.  When Democrats try to cut down on their tax bill, it’s tax avoidance, which is legal and ethical.  [Just look at that sweet Timmy Geitner and majestic Charlie Rangel]  When Republicans try to pay less tax, it’s tax evasion which is wrong and evil.  Just remind them of that.  That’ll get their goats.

Dear Crabby,

All these deficits and debt that are piling up are making me nervous.  How can we afford to keep spending money we don’t have?  I’m afraid I’m going to have to vote for a Republican to stop the spending madness.  I’m so frustrated.

Delbert Downer, 31 Flushing, NY

Dear Delbert,

I don’t think you mean what you say.  I’m going to have to send the Purple Shirts to get your thinking right.  Haha, just kidding.  Poor President Obama is trying to curb the out-of-control spending in the budget.  But, you have to realize, it was those corrupt, greedy, evil Republicans that got this spending spree going.  They were so busy paying off defense contractors and big business, as well as getting us into all these wars, they busted the budget.  Now, what are the Democrats supposed to do?  We are the party of big spending and generosity with other people’s money.  If we don’t outspend those terrible Republicans, then how can we hold our heads up high.  What are our union friends gonna think of us if we don’t give them a bump?  What are our environmentalist allies going to say if we don’t show them the money?  For heaven’s sake, you have to realize that to keep the Democratic Party viable, we have got to take from the middle class, er rich, and give to our poor activists.  Just keep voting for Democrats because we know better how to handle your money.  Trust us, we’ll treat you right. 

By the way, your return address was a little smudged.  Can you send me a clearer copy so I can have my friends in SEIU drop by, just to say ‘hi’?  They’re such nice people.

Dear Crabby,

First, that nice Charlie Rangel and then the sweet, adorable Maxine Waters are being persecuted by the mean, old GOP.  It makes me so mad.  But, I really worry that the far right teabaggers and conservative pundits will make political hay out of these cases of simple oversight.  What can we do to ‘push the narrative’ as Joy Behar suggested so kindly to the president.  (She really is one together woman)

 Rosa Codius, 68 Huntington Beach, CA

Dear Rosa,

Now you’ve got the right idea.  Those mean, vicious Republicans are scandalizing the names of those poor congresspeople who have given so much of their lives to public service.  I think they must be racists.  We need to remind everyone that the Congressional Black Caucus cannot cheat on their taxes because they are Democrats.  By definition, Democrats cannot cheat on taxes since they are so patriotic.  Therefore, if you are a Democrat, you must be overcharged for your taxes because Republicans are the ones who don’t pay their fair share. 

Besides, keep in mind the narrative when speaking with our backsliding friends.  George W. Bush and Sarah Palin are working together to keep this recession going.  They are working with the banks to get them bailed out, wait, no that’s Barney Frank and Chris Dodd.  Okay, I’ve got it right here, they are funneling funds to their banker friends.  Gosh darnit, that’s Maxine Waters.  Bush and Palin are taking up several rent control apartments in New York and failing to claim overseas income from rental property.  No, that’s not right.  Rangel’s doing that. 

I know.  Palin’s got the missing jobs, the missing Gulf oil, and the missing prosperity locked in her fruit cellar in Wasilla, Alaska.  Yeah, that’s the answer.  Just blame Bush and Palin.  They’re the real enemies of the state.