A Modest Health Reform Proposal

Note* This piece is based on an essay written by Jonathan Swift about eating the poor as a way to make them contribute fairly to society. It was a satire that pointed out the absurdity of the argument that the poor were a drain on scant resources and could be made more useful as meat than as workers. This satirical work attempts to demonstrate the Democratic health care proposals are essentially based on the same kind of argument.

It has been noted in recent weeks that eighty percent of the health care in this country is used by only twenty percent of the population; those that are sick. This is clearly an exploitation of our resources by a clear minority. It is an issue that must be addressed. It is criminal for only the sick of this country to demand an overwhelming amount of the health care dollar. Greedy old people are the demographic most to blame for this inequity. But, they are not the only ones sopping up most of our expenditures. The children of our society are also selfishly capturing more health care than is their fair share. People, in their twenties and thirties, are getting almost no health care. This in spite of the fact they contribute far more to the economy. This inequality must be addressed. We must be more egalitarian with our health care programs. Here’s how we can do this.

First, the elderly are the biggest villains in this situation. They are more likely to need and demand medical and hospital attention. Clearly this is wrong. Furthermore, these people are less likely to be contributing to our gross domestic product. They are only wasting health care resources while giving almost nothing back. So, we must limit their health care needs to a fair and equitable portion. Each and every person in the United States should get an equal portion of health care in the form of Obama Bucks. If they need more, they must work and earn more. We can have them collectively work in Obama Knitting Bees making socks and mittens for sale. They can earn Obama Bucks that will be good for such things as statins and pacemakers.

Another idea is to decide on an age for ‘decommission’. At the age of 78, for example, they can go to their nearest decommissioning station and ‘check out’ of society. Certainly, that is a ripe old age. They will not be worth much past that age. They will have poor eyesight and will be too weak to work at the Obama Knitting Bees, so they will have outlived their usefulness. Never mind these are people who have contributed mightily to society in their salad days. Those days are over. We need to have the infirm step aside and let the rest of us get some health care. No more greedy old people soaking up all the health benefits.

Babies are takers too. They have the bad habit of getting sick and needing more medical attention than is their due. Enough of that garbage. We need those babies producing more than they take. They too will get an equal portion of health care dollars. That is fair and equitable. If a baby needs more care, they can step up and contribute stem cells or participate in medical experiments. They too can earn Obama Bucks to spend on extra care. If the parents don’t want to accede to this modest request, the baby will have to wait for more health care to accrue as they get older. After all, we can’t have just the sick and disabled taking all our health care. It must be parsed out evenly and fairly.

Speaking of disabled, we must also make sure they too are contributing. The children with special needs can also help out by handing out Obama campaign literature and contributing kidneys for Obama Bucks. We cannot let these people take more than their due. That wouldn’t be fair. We need health care for all, not just those needing it.

Finally, we really must take into account those demanding, needy cancer patients. They are truly the worst of all. Cancer patients obviously led a lifestyle that led to their disease, otherwise they would never have gotten sick. This is a clear case of just desserts. They must have smoked or drank or eaten the wrong things or exercised too little. They pretty much asked for an illness. All the studies show this to be true, don’t they? Since these people were asking for it, we should immediately stop treating cancer. We should probably stop treating heart disease too since most heart disease is due to an inappropriate lifestyle. That’s what all the studies show. Eating meat and butter are obviously what caused heart problems for these people. They also are just getting what’s coming to them.

There. That is certainly a fairer plan. We can all get an equal portion of health care and an equal amount of society’s attention. We should contact our representatives and senators and let them our ideas for rationing board criteria. This will make our system fairer. Now, don’t you feel better?