Who is the Fairest of Them All?

Czar Omar Flagrant

by Lance Thompson

Washington–December 2009

Once the Democrats had control of the White House and Congress, they found it surprisingly easy to pass legislation reinstating the “Fairness Doctrine,” which mandated that no conservative thought or utterance could go unchallenged or unpunished. At first, this was applied only to the last bastions of free market principles in media–Fox News and talk radio. But the new regulations were so effective in silencing conservatives that follow-on legislation found countless new means of expression in which to quash conservative voices.

This also gave liberals an opportunity to create a new bureaucracy to administer and enforce the oppressive measures. During preliminary discussions over what to call this new department, such non-starters as “Bureau of Cognitive Control” and “National Thought Police” were suggested and just as quickly discarded after disastrous poll results. Ultimately, the Chairman of the Committee to Name Committees settled upon “Supreme Directorate of Fairness and Reason.” Due to the many cases brought before the Supreme Directorate by the Secretary of Torts (the most recently-created cabinet post) and the ACLU, every municipality was compelled to appoint local Czars of Fairness and Reason.

These public servants put in long hours, deciding whose ideas must be suppressed and whose should be forced upon the public. Often, they must make snap decisions in order to keep the backlog of cases at a manageable level. Yet, since all their deliberations are required to be carried on in secret, as mandated in the Pelosi Need to Know Acts of 2009, we offer this rare glimpse into the workings of the Czar of Fairness and Reason of an average-size city–Centerville, Colorado.

Omar Flagrant, the Centerville Czar, is a 29 year-old male vegan with a master’s degree in women’s studies and three years’ experience in crisis escalation. He arrives tardily at his charming craftsman-style office in a government-subsidized hybrid vehicle. The building that houses the Centerville Directorate of Fairness and Reason was seized without compensation from a private citizen under eminent domain rules expanded under the Harry Reid Property Reform Act.

The Czar is greeted by his aide, Lionel, with a stack of new cases. “Czar Flagrant, a citizen was spotted last night with a McCain/Palin bumper sticker still affixed to her large American SUV, flouting the United Attitude law that stipulates complete eradication of non-Obama expressions.”

The Czar adjudicates his first case before he sits down. “The citizen must completely cover the offensive sticker with a “Conservatives For Obama” sticker within 24 hours or face forfeiture of vehicle.”

The Czar takes his place at his “green” desk, made entirely of recycled hard-hats (plentiful since the massive construction layoffs of the summer), and asks for the next case. “It’s on the monitor–video evidence.” The Czar scrutinizes his monitor, showing a local female college student on the lake shore with an “I Love the USA” tattoo on her thigh. “A clear violation of the World Consciousness Bodily Expression guidelines,” pronounced the Czar. “She must have the tattoo removed or modified to read, ‘I Love Being a Citizen of the World.’ Additionally, she will attend two years of Nationalist Intervention classes at the Hugo Chavez Center in Denver.”

Lionel hands the Czar a thick dossier. “This one is really outrageous, sir. One of the local stations is televising reruns of the old Andy Griffith Show. On Tuesday last, a character in the show uttered the line, “Gee, Opie!” The Czar, perhaps overwhelmed by the sheer volume of cases, shook his head, failing to grasp the severity of the situation. “Gee, Opie,” repeated the aide. “Sir, it’s clearly a clandestine effort to brainwash the audience.” The Czar stares at him blankly. “Gee, Opie. G. O. P. It’s obviously a subliminal endorsement of Republicans.”

The Czar nods. “Yes. Diabolically clever.”

“The entire show is loaded with dangerous messages,” the aide continues, paging through the dossier. “The male child is not enrolled in day care, is allowed to conduct himself in public without ADHD medication, and is often shown wearing a gunbelt with a realistic-looking toy firearm.”

The Czar grabs the dossier. “Clearly an attempt at indoctrination.”

Lionel points out a crucial passage. “The episode also contains scenes showing both the exterior and interior of a church, which the family attends, in clear violation of the Public Worship Expungement Codes. Additionally, the father is an authority figure whose workplace displays loaded firearms, and the child is permitted not only to see these dangerous weapons, but is never exposed to lectures about the evil and wickedness of gun ownership, as required in the Domestic Disarmament Act of 2009.”

The Czar is overwhelmed by the list of charges. “This station must immediately cancel further episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. In order to avoid loss of license, it must replace the reruns with the new public affairs program, Weighty Issues with Rosie O’Donnell. In addition, the station must schedule a three-hour bloc of Sunday programming featuring prominent atheists. I also want them to produce, at their own expense, a series of public service announcements encouraging recycling of firearms into useful products like plowshares and paperweights.”

“Just one more, sir.” Lionel opens a digital file on the computer and stands back. “It has been reported that there is a resident of this town who is an Abraham Lincoln impersonator. As you know, Lincoln was the first Republican president. His occupation is thus a capital offense.”

The Czar sighs in exasperation. “It’s fortunate for this scofflaw that we rescinded capital punishment.” Lionel nods solemnly.