"Cash For Codgers" -- The President Lays Out New Universal Healthcare Program

Originally Published at The Minority Report

By Ima Tuele
of the New York Times News Service

Due to the extreme popularity of the “Cash for Clunkers” auto rebate program, whereby new car buyers may obtain up to $4500 in federal government rebates by turning in older, less efficient vehicles, the president has decided to announce a new wrinkle in his Universal Healthcare proposals.

During a Townhall Meeting in Ottumwa, Iowa, President Obama unveiled an innovative proposal to cut healthcare costs, to be called “Cash for Codgers**.” Young, uninsured Americans may receive up to a $5000 healthcare voucher for medical treatment, if they turn in for exchange an older, unhealthy relative.

The older relative must be between the ages of 65 and 90, and preferable should be suffering from some debilitating or expensive to treat disease. Relatively healthy old people will be considered for the program, the president explained, but preference would be given to those “on their last legs.”

“I believe this can be a teachable moment,” the president told the handpicked crowd of under thirty-year-olds. “We know that over half of all healthcare costs are incurred in a persons final year of life. What we need to do, to hold down government sponsored healthcare costs, is to simply eliminate that final year,” he explained.

Certain criteria would have to be met, the president explained. The old person must have been a continuous relative for at least the prior ten year — to prevent conflicts surrounding ex-inlaws — and must not have suffered a coma in the last five years.

When asked about the presidents revolutionary proposal, Vice President Joe the Biden said that he thought that, if successful, the program might be expanded to include any old person, not merely relatives. “Why do we want to make the program so narrow?” he asked.

Sitting with friends at Katie’s Diner in Wilmington, the Vice President suggested, “Any young person, looking for an opportunity to pick up quality government healthcare, could bring in an old homeless person — or one of those guys sitting on the side of the road with the ‘Will work for food’ signs.”

“You know that’s not true…they won’t really work,” the Vice President added.

White House Press Secretary Andy Gibb deflected the Vice President’s statements, suggesting that it might be time to investigate regulating Biden’s meds.

Not all Congressional Democrats were willing to offer support for the president’s plan. Senators Tim Johnson and Edward Kennedy both expressed reservations, unless there were ironclad guarantees that Congress would be exempt from the program.

**Special thanks for the caller to Lou Dobbs Radio Program